


If Skyrim Had Chatrooms...

by SoulStealer1987



Category: Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Genre: And Now It's My Most Popular Fic, Angst and Humor, Beyond the Grave Texting, Chatlogs, Chatting & Messaging, College, Crack, Dick Jokes, Drunk Texting, Embarrassment, Fluff and Humor, Ghosts, Harassment, I Guess Y'all Really Love Chatfics, I Literally Wrote This As A Joke, Inappropriate Humor, Magic, Magical Accidents, Multi, Not That I Blame You, Not That I Mind Of Course But Woah, Past Relationship(s), Pranks and Practical Jokes, Racist Language, Second-Hand Embarrassment, Tags will be added as characters appear, Texting, They're One Of My Guilty Pleasures, Way of the Voice-To-Text
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-03
Updated: 2018-07-10
Packaged: 2019-04-17 17:34:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 51
Words: 26,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14194119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SoulStealer1987/pseuds/SoulStealer1987
Summary: dont_vex_me:were not adopting a kid bryn get ur shit togetherWelcome to the AU where literally everything is the same except for one crucial difference: chatrooms are (ab)used by the members of the four main factions. Chapters will rotate between the Thieves Guild, the Companions, the Dark Brotherhood, and the College of Winterhold, and it'll be great I promise. Possibly there will be others too, don't count on it.Warning: Do not, and I repeat, donotdrink anything while reading this unless you want whatever you're drinking to end up all over your fic-reading device of choice. Many readers can attest to this.





	1. We Are Number One

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Overwatch Emergency Communication Channel (I Swear, It's Emergency Only)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7324573) by [ArcaneAdagio](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArcaneAdagio/pseuds/ArcaneAdagio). 



**_We Are Number One_ **

**< redhead>** logged on  
  
**redhead:** _@all_  
  
**redhead:** i found this kid in the market  
  
**dont_vex_me:** were not adopting a kid bryn get ur shit together  
  
**redhead:** ...okay maybe kid isn't the right word  
  
**redhead:** anyway i got her to steal the ring from madesi's strongbox  
  
**dont_vex_me:** are u sure this isnt an actual legit child  
  
**dont_vex_me:** because i could pull off that shit in my fkn sleep  
  
**xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** didn't you mean to say...  
  
**dont_vex_me:** fkn dont delvin  
  
**xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** it would be child's play?  
  
**dont_vex_me:** i will fkn stab you  
  
**redhead:** ...this lass also planted it on brand-shei. successfully  
  
**dont_vex_me:** so  
  
**redhead:** so i invited her to join the guild  
  
**redhead:** she makes it through the ratway, she's in  
  
**dont_vex_me:** thats it  
  
**dont_vex_me:** dont you have to get permission from mercer or something  
  
**redhead:** why do you think i'm posting in here?  
  
**xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** you do know he has notifications off right  
  
**redhead:** fuck really  
  
**xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** he always has notifications off Bryn  
  
**redhead:** how about direct notifications?  
  
**xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** those can't be turned off.  
  
**xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** you know this.  
  
**redhead:** aight  
  
**redhead:** _@MercerTheFrey_ can i let this new kid into the guild  
  
**< MercerTheFrey>** logged on  
  
**MercerTheFrey:** No.  
  
**< MercerTheFrey>** logged off  
  
**redhead:** **  
****  
****redhead:** are you shitting me  
  
**xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** the Guildmaster has spoken.  
  
**xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** sorry Bryn.  
  
**redhead:** ok but none of you get it  
  
**redhead:** the lass is a natural thief  
  
**redhead:** _@MercerTheFrey_ what if I sent her to Goldenglow and she succeeded  
**  
****< MercerTheFrey>** logged on  
  
**MercerTheFrey:** She's not going to succeed.  
  
**MercerTheFrey:** But on the off chance this mysterious protege of yours does, in fact, succeed?  
  
**MercerTheFrey:** Yes.  
****

**< MercerTheFrey>** logged off  
  
**xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** Bryn.  
  
**xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** you just sent this girl to her death.  
  
**redhead:** no i didnt  
  
**dont_vex_me:** bitch i barely made it out alive how is some kid going to pull off fkn goldenglow  
  
**redhead:** i'll give her the details and see what she thinks  
  
**redhead:** if she doesn't think she can do it she can walk away  
  
**redhead:** i think she can do it tho  
  
**dont_vex_me:** u kno what i think delvin  
  
**xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** probably, what?  
  
**dont_vex_me:** i think bryn has a crush  
  
**dont_vex_me:** its fkn adorable  
  
**redhead:** fuck you no I don't

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **redhead** = Brynjolf
> 
>  **dont_vex_me** = Vex
> 
>  **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx** = Delvin Mallory
> 
>  **Mercer_The_Frey** = Mercer Frey


	2. Companions of Jorrvaskr

**_Companions of Jorrvaskr_ **

**< The_Huntress>** logged on   
  
**< FARKLE>** logged on   
  
**< ikilledabearyesterday>** logged on   
  
**The_Huntress:** yo we killed the giant   
  
**The_Huntress:** ria nearly died but thats normal   
  
**ikilledabearyesterday:** HEY!   
  
**badass:** This is true   
  
**ikilledabearyesterday:** VILKAS WTF I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS

**badass:** You thought wrong   
  
**FARKLE:** also some kid helped us too   
  
**The_Huntress:** oh yeah, not all that impressive but she did have courage   
  
**The_Huntress:** i told her to come to Jorrvaskr if she was interested

**The_Huntress:** maybe have Kodlak take a look at her or something   
  
**LoneWolf:** wow you were that impressed?   
  
**LoneWolf:** i wont be   
  
**The_Huntress:** fuck off Skjor that's Kodlak's decision   
  
**maneofwhite:** My decision right now is to take a nap.   
  
**maneofwhite:** I’m turning my notifications off for the moment.

**maneofwhite:** Don't interrupt me.   
  
**badass:** But I need to talk to you asap   
  
**maneofwhite:** Is it more important than my nap?   
  
**badass:** Yes   
  
**maneofwhite:** Ugh, fine. Get down here before I fall asleep.  
  
**< maneofwhite>** logged off

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **The_Huntress** = Aela the Huntress
> 
>  **FARKLE** = Farkas
> 
>  **ikilledabearyesterday** = Ria
> 
>  **badass** = Vilkas
> 
>  **LoneWolf** = Skjor
> 
>  **maneofwhite** = Kodlak Whitemane


	3. Y'all Need Sithis

**_Y’all Need Sithis_ **

**the.astrid:** ok so one last thing before I add Cicero

 **the.astrid:** he is fucking insane and that’s by our standards

 **the.astrid:** so try not to piss him off I’d like to keep all of you in one piece

 **wolfy:** Astrid, I think I can handle a lunatic

 **the.astrid:** oh I know you can

 **the.astrid:** but it gets worse

 **FutureVision:** he sent nudes?

 **the.astrid:** no thank Sithis

 **the.astrid:** I bet his dick is tiny

 **BABS:** hOLY SHIT ASTRID

 **wolfy:** This is why I married you  <3

 **shadowScale:** fucking rOASTED

 **the.astrid:** he sent selfies

 **the.astrid:** [hi!!!!!!!!!.jpg](https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/elderscrolls/images/f/fd/Cicerio.png)

 **the.astrid:** make sure you’re not drinking anything when you look at it

 **x_WIZARD_x:** Is that… a jester costume?

 **the.astrid:** yep

 **x_WIZARD_x:** By Sithis, he has no taste.

 **FutureVision:** agreed.

 **FutureVision:** Lis agrees too, if anyone was wondering.

 **wolfy:** I can see why

 **wolfy:** This is almost sad

 **BABS:** well idk… aren’t you all being just a little bit unfair?

 **wolfy:** No

 **BABS:** true, he does spend all his time around a dead body…

 **BABS:** willingly! Haha

 **shadowScale:** ok but real talk, how small do you think his dick is

 **the.astrid:** fucking microscopic

 **the.astrid:** wait

 **the.astrid:** do Argonians have dicks

 **shadowScale:** wanna find out? ;)

**the.astrid:**

**wolfy:**

**shadowScale:** IM KIDDING IM KIDDING PLEASE DONT KILL ME

 **< Sands_of_the_Alik’r>** logged on

 **Sands_of_the_Alik’r:** ...I should probably scroll up shouldn’t I

 **BABS:** ye

 **the.astrid:** yeah you know what I’m not adding Cicero today I don’t have the patience

 **the.astrid:** so Nazir how did the orphanage contract go

 **Sands_of_the_Alik’r:** Terrible, someone else got the old hag before I could

 **the.astrid:** WHAT

 **BABS:** lol are they trying to get killed or something?

 **Sands_of_the_Alik’r:** I got the false assassin’s information if you feel like teaching her a lesson

 **the.astrid:** hm

 **the.astrid:** tempting

 **BABS:** wait guys, we could recruit her!

 **the.astrid:** true that

 **the.astrid:** ok so I could teach this wannabe assassin a lesson

 **the.astrid:** or I could recruit her

 **the.astrid:** I’m gonna do both brb

 **< the.astrid>** logged off

 **Sands_of_the_Alik’r:** ...and she’s gone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **the.astrid** = Astrid
> 
>  **wolfy** = Arnbjorn
> 
>  **FutureVision** = Gabriella
> 
>  **BABS** = Babette
> 
>  **shadowScale** = Veezara
> 
>  **x_WIZARD_x** = Festus Krex
> 
>  **Sands_of_the_Alik'r** = Nazir


	4. Class of '201

**_Class of ‘201_ **

**The_Only_Nord:** so is anyone else going to Tolfdir’s lecture today or…?

 **meow:** lol nah just u

 **The_Only_Nord:** fuck.

 **meow:** kidding, j’zargo is going

 **meow:** _@ConjurationYes_ u awake

 **< ConjurationYes>** logged on

 **ConjurationYes:** Awake and waiting for you in the Hall of Elements

 **ConjurationYes:** You two should hurry, I can only stall Tolfdir for so long

 **meow:** fuck ok j’zargo is coming

 **The_Only_Nord:** me too!

 **ConjurationYes:** ...quick question

 **ConjurationYes:** Which one of you was that crashing noise

 **The_Only_Nord:** J’zargo.

 **meow:** j’zargo

 **meow:** this one might be a moment

 **ConjurationYes:** Dammit J’zargo even Onmund’s here

 **meow:** so is this one

 **< The_Only_Nord>** logged off

 **< ConjurationYes>** logged off

 **meow:** no really j’zargo is here

 **< meow>** logged off

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **The_Only_Nord** = Onmund
> 
>  **meow** = J'zargo
> 
>  **ConjurationYes** = Brelyna Maryon


	5. Lost: Cynric's Pants

**_Lost: Cynric’s Pants_ **

**< redhead>** logged on

**redhead:** do I want to know what’s going on here

**Jewel_Thief:** probably not

**redhead:** aight

**redhead:** anyway  _ @all _ we have a new guild member

**< redhead>** added  **< TheLegend27>** to  **_[Lost: Cynric’s Pants]_ **

**< TheLegend27>** logged on

**TheLegend27:** hi

**Marksman:** I’m not impressed

**TheLegend27:** i did the goldenglow job

**dont_vex_me:** wut

**dont_vex_me:** fkn how

**TheLegend27:** mostly luck tbh

**Marksman:** I’m still not impressed

**Jewel_Thief:** fuck off Niruin nobody asked you

**Marksman:** Ladies first

**Jewel_Thief:** go die in a skeever-hole

**TheLegend27:** um two questions

**redhead:** ye?

**TheLegend27:** who is cynric and are his pants the ones someone stuffed inside the adept-locked chest in the training room

**redhead:** _@jailbreak_ scroll up

**< jailbreak>** logged on

**jailbreak:** mY PANTS

**jailbreak:** HOLY SHIT HOW DID THEY GET THERE

**_Chatroom renamed to [Found: Cynric’s Pants]_ **

**TheLegend27:** idk but it wasnt me i just got here

**dont_vex_me:** i have better things to do than steal ur pants

**Jewel_Thief:** agreed

**xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** I didn’t know my name was things

**Jewel_Thief:** disagreed

**dont_vex_me** : delvin i have a lockpick in my hand rn dont fkn make me walk over there and stab you with it

**xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** weird kink, but ok.

**dont_vex_me:** thats it im fkn done

**< dont_vex_me>** logged off

**xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** oh FUCK

**< xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx>** logged off

**redhead:** _ @TheLegend27 _ a word of advice, lass: do yourself a favor and ignore the unholy screaming coming from the Flagon. they’ll work things out eventually.

**TheLegend27:** does this happen a lot

**Jewel_Thief:** do I steal a lot of jewelry?

**redhead:** that’s a yes to both

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **redhead** = Brynjolf
> 
>  **Jewel_Thief** = Sapphire
> 
>  **TheLegend27** = Dragonborn
> 
>  **Marksman** = Niruin
> 
>  **dont_vex_me** = Vex
> 
>  **jailbreak** = Cynric Endell
> 
>  **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx** = Delvin Mallory


	6. Werewolves All Are We

**_Werewolves All Are We_ **

**< maneofwhite> **logged on

 **maneofwhite:** Who renamed the chatroom again.

 **maneofwhite:** _@all_

 **badass:** Not me

 **badass:** Don’t think it was Farkas either, but he’s still off with the whelp on their trial

 **maneofwhite:** …

 **maneofwhite:** _@The_Huntress @LoneWolf_

 **< LoneWolf> **logged on

 **LoneWolf:** it was aela

 **< The_Huntress>** logged on

 **The_Huntress:** lies! also fuck you

 **maneofwhite:** You know what, I don’t even care anymore.

 **< maneofwhite> **logged off

 **LoneWolf:** ok but seriously it wasnt me

 **The_Huntress:** it wasn’t me either, Skjor!

 **badass:** ;)

 **< badass>** logged off

 **The_Huntress:** this is why he never gets laid

**Chatroom renamed to [The Circle]**

* * *

  ** _New Chatroom 178296_ **

**< maneofwhite>** created a new chatroom

**Chatroom renamed to [Sane People]**

**< maneofwhite>** added **< badass>**

 **< maneofwhite>** added **< FARKLE>**

 **< badass>** logged on

 **badass:** You do know it wasn’t actually either of them, right

 **maneofwhite:** ...how do you know that?

 **badass:** It was Farkas

 **maneofwhite:** Oh, good. He finally figured it out.

 **badass:** Um yes he did

 **badass:** So… any luck with the cure or what

 **maneofwhite:** Yes, actually. We’ve still got a long way to go, but there is a cure.

 **maneofwhite:** We’ll see Sovngarde yet, my boy.

 **badass:** Great

 **< FARKLE>** logged on

 **badass:** What’s up

 **FARKLE:** the silver hand were there

 **maneofwhite:** What? They shouldn’t have known!

 **badass:** Agreed

 **badass:** Are you okay

 **FARKLE:** uh yes but

 **badass:** But

 **FARKLE:** i had to shift in front of our newest shield-sister

 **FARKLE:** she took it remarkably well

 **badass:** Gods damn it Farkas, you had one job

 **badass:** One job

 **FARKLE:** i didnt shift because i had a choice

 **maneofwhite:** Enough about that. As long as she keeps it a secret, we should be fine.

 **maneofwhite:** Am I to assume she behaved honorably on her trial?

 **FARKLE:** yeah she did good

 **maneofwhite:** Good. Both of you, meet me out back with her.

 **maneofwhite:** It’s time she became a full Companion.

 **< maneofwhite>** logged off


	7. Y'all Need Sithis

**_Y’all Need Sithis_ **

**< the.astrid>** logged on

 **< the.astrid>** added **< TheLegend27>** to **_[Y’all Need Sithis]_ **

**the.astrid:** this is the new kid so be nice

 **the.astrid:** or don’t

 **the.astrid:** I don’t really care

 **< TheLegend27>** logged on

 **TheLegend27:** hi

 **BABS:** hello! Are you on your way yet

 **TheLegend27:** on my way yes

 **TheLegend27:** might be lost

 **BABS:** you need someone to come find you or something?

 **TheLegend27:** nope this is fine

 **TheLegend27:** wait yeah i found the door

 **TheLegend27:** _@the.astrid_ what was the password again

 **the.astrid:** …

 **the.astrid:** I’m having second thoughts

 **TheLegend27:** wait nvm i remembered

 **TheLegend27:** so where is everyone

 **the.astrid:** I was talking with Babette from my room

 **TheLegend27:** whos babette

 **BABS:** *cough* me *cough*

 **BABS:** and yes the kid is supposed to be here, she’s me. Hello

 **TheLegend27:** fuckin sweet are you a vampire or something

 **BABS:** actually yes

 **BABS:** problem?

 **TheLegend27:** nope vampires are great

 **the.astrid:** unfortunately none of the others will be getting back for some time

 **BABS:** arnbjorn probably’ll be getting back first seeing as he had a contract pretty close by

 **TheLegend27:** whos arnbjorn

 **the.astrid:** my husband

 **BABS:** her husband

 **TheLegend27:** you have a husband

 **TheLegend27:** i thought you were gay

 **the.astrid:** what

 **BABS:** PFFT SITHIS IS THIS GONNA BE GOOD

 **the.astrid:** um no

 **the.astrid:** not that I’m against pretending to be when it’s beneficial

 **the.astrid:** and Babette be quiet

 **BABS:** lol nah

 **TheLegend27:** ok noted

 **TheLegend27:** that explains all the flirting

 **BABS:** lol what

 **BABS:** astrid!!!

 **the.astrid:** what

 **BABS:** nothing :]

 **the.astrid:** as I said I’m not against pretending to be when it’s beneficial

 **BABS:** haha alright

 **< BABS>** logged off

* * *

  ** _Private Conversation between <BABS> and <TheLegend27>_ **

**BABS:** hi me again, and while Astrid clearly isn’t gay, she certainly isn’t straight either :]

 **BABS:** I’ve caught her reading copies of The Lusty Argonian Maid on multiple occasions

 **BABS:** The Lusty Argonian Maid

 **TheLegend27:** and

 **BABS:** THE LUSTY ARGONIAN MAID

 **TheLegend27:** i mean its a good book

 **BABS:** ok, i just lost all respect for you, not that i had much or really any in the first place

 **BABS:** grownups are fucking disgusting

 **TheLegend27:** i wont argue with that

 **TheLegend27:** but any reason youre telling me this

 **BABS:** everyone else is killing people and I’m bored :(

 **TheLegend27:** hi bored im tired

 **BABS:** ...you didn’t.

 **TheLegend27:** well i am actually really fucking tired i havent slept in days

 **TheLegend27:** is there anywhere i can go pass out where i wont get stabbed

 **BABS:** if the bed has anything personal nearby, don’t sleep in it.

 **BABS:** otherwise good luck

 **TheLegend27:** does a frostbite spider count as personal

 **BABS:** yep, that’s Lis.


	8. College Main Chat

**_College Main Chat_ **

**Light_It_Up:** gods I hate gatekeeper duty

 **Light_It_Up:** _@Mira-Bell_ there’s a new apprentice coming through I sent her your way

 **< Mira-Bell>** logged on

 **Mira-Bell:** Another one? Huh

 **Light_It_Up:** don’t you just love it when we get no new apprentices for months on end and then four show up within days of each other

 **Mira-Bell:** Yes

 **Mira-Bell:** I’m guessing the new student is the confused-looking girl in some sort of armor

 **Mira-Bell:** I don’t recognize the armor

 **Light_It_Up:** that would be her

 **Mira-Bell:** Alright, give me a moment

 **< Mira-Bell>** logged off

 **Light_It_Up:** and back to gatekeeper duty it is

 **Light_It_Up:** how delightful

 **invisibleman:** _@all_ can someone help me with something?

 **Light_It_Up:** yes please im on my way

 **Light_It_Up:** where are you actually

 **invisibleman:** hall of countenance.

 **Light_It_Up:** ok

 **Light_It_Up:** seriously drevis where are you

 **invisibleman:** :O IT WORKED!

 **Light_It_Up:** wait there you are

 **invisibleman:** :’(

 **Light_It_Up:** wait

 **Light_It_Up:** you look different

 **invisibleman:** really? how so?

 **Light_It_Up:** um

 **Light_It_Up:** _@Mira-Bell_ drevis turned his arms invisible but the rest of him is still very visible

 **< Mira-Bell>** logged on

 **Mira-Bell:** Oh dear

 **invisibleman:** what? Faralda!

 **Light_It_Up:** how in oblivion did you not notice that your arms are invisible

 **invisibleman:** excuse you I did notice that my arms are invisible!

 **invisibleman:** I just… thought that the rest of me was invisible too.

 **Mira-Bell:** Before we panic: Drevis, can you dispel it or not

 **invisibleman:** certainly, just a moment.

 **Light_It_Up:** it doesnt look very dispelled to me

 **invisibleman:** IT’S NOT DISPELLING D:

 **Mira-Bell:** Wonderful

 **Mira-Bell:** _@YouNeedHealing_ Colette, we might need your expertise

 **invisibleman:** on second thought, I’m fine!

 **Light_It_Up:** i just watched you smack your arms into the wall you are not fine

 **< YouNeedHealing>** logged in

 **YouNeedHealing:** Well. This is a situation.

 **< invisibleman> **logged off

 **Light_It_Up:** update hes crying in the corner

 **Light_It_Up:** _@invisibleman_ burying your face in your hands doesnt work when your arms are invisible your hands are invisible too

 **Mira-Bell:** Faralda, tell him to try waiting, to see if it wears off naturally

 **Mira-Bell:** I’ll see if the Arch-Mage has any insight into this

 **< Mira-Bell>** logged off

* * *

**_Private Conversation between <Mira-Bell> and <mmmmmagic>_ **

**Mira-Bell:** Savos, do you by any chance have any experience with disappearing body parts

 **mmmmmagic:** Ah, no. Sorry.

 **mmmmmagic:** Anything I should know about?

 **Mira-Bell:** Not yet, I don’t think. I’ll let you know if it escalates

 **Mira-Bell:** Well, actually, Ancano is being a royal pain in the behind, as usual

 **Mira-Bell:** He’s quite lucky you don’t want him incinerated, because most of the College would gladly do so at this point

 **Mira-Bell:** Myself included

 **mmmmmagic:** Oh, I would love to have him incinerated, but I fear the backlash from the Thalmor.

 **mmmmmagic:** It’s only a matter of time until he interferes in something he shouldn’t, and perishes as a result.

 **Mira-Bell:** I wish I shared your optimism

 **mmmmmagic:** Anything else?

 **Mira-Bell:** Yes, actually

 **Mira-Bell:** It took me several tries to get your username right

 **Mira-Bell:** Are you certain there’s no way to change it

 **mmmmmagic:** Positive, I’m afraid.

 **mmmmmagic:** If it helps any, there are five m’s, just like there are five letters in Savos.

 **Mira-Bell:** That… helps a little. Thank you

 **Mira-Bell:** I’d better check on Drevis

 **mmmmmagic:** Ah, he finally succeeded in his invisibility endeavors?

 **Mira-Bell:** Only partially, and last I heard he couldn’t dispel it

 **mmmmmagic:** That does not sound good.

 **Mira-Bell:** Don’t worry, I’ve got it

 **Mira-Bell:** I’ll let you know if the situation changes  
****

**< Mira-Bell>** logged off

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Light_It_Up** = Faralda
> 
>  **Mira-Bell** = Mirabelle Ervine
> 
>  **invisibleman** = Drevis Neloren
> 
>  **YouNeedHealing** = Colette Marence
> 
>  **mmmmmagic** = Savos Aren


	9. The Master Race

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slight tw for a couple of Thalmor agents being incredibly racist towards Bretons and Mirabelle Ervine in particular. You'll know which ones.

**_The Master Race_ **

**< Natural_Selection>** logged on

 **Natural_Selection:** _@ARCANO_ Report.

 **< ARCANO> **logged on

 **ARCANO:** With every day I spend at this pathetic excuse for a magical institution, I am less and less impressed.

 **ARCANO:** The “Arch-Mage” does nothing but remain in his quarters all day. He is not truly in charge of this College.

 **Natural_Selection:** I cannot say I am surprised, he is a dark elf after all. Who is truly in charge?

 **ARCANO:** Their Master Wizard is Mirabelle Ervine, a Breton who I suspect would pose a significant threat if we moved to secure this College. While their Arch-Mage would not be an issue, this Breton is well-respected here and has significant magical ability for a half-breed.

 **Natural_Selection:** A half-breed? Well respected? This is worse than I thought. Anything else?

 **ARCANO:** Despite their best efforts to conceal it, I have discovered a group chat with the entirety of the College within. I am in the process of gaining access.

 **Natural_Selection:** Continue doing so. You are dismissed.

 **< ARCANO>** logged off

 **Natural_Selection:** _@interrogator_ Report.

 **< interrogator> **logged on

 **interrogator:** The thief has not broken yet, although I am quite confident he will soon.

 **interrogator:** What are your orders for when he does?

 **Natural_Selection:** Once you have ensured he has nothing left to give us: eliminate him.

 **interrogator:** I, ah… are you certain?

 **Natural_Selection:** Are you questioning my judgment, Third Emissary? This _is_ a half-breed we are referring to.

 **interrogator:** No, ma’am. It shall be done.

 **Natural_Selection:** Dismissed.

 **< interrogator>** logged off

 **Natural_Selection:** _@JusticiarOndolemar_ Report.

 **< JusticiarOndolemar>** logged on

 **JusticiarOndolemar:** As it happens, it’s remarkably easy to catch visiting Talos worshippers when there is an open Shrine of Talos.

 **Natural_Selection:** Really? They don't even ask the locals?

 **JusticiarOndolemar:** The locals know better, now that we’ve finally arrested that old skald for attempting to. That, and he was a Talos worshipper himself.

 **Natural_Selection:** How surprising. Now, are you almost here?

 **JusticiarOndolemar:** Not quite yet. Due to some inclement weather, our patrol was forced to stop overnight in Dragon Bridge. The locals are understandably wary. I suspect Talos worship.

 **Natural_Selection:** I’ll send someone to look into that within the week. Will you be here in time for the party?

 **JusticiarOndolemar:** Yes. Remind me why this… party is necessary?

 **Natural_Selection:** I'll choose to ignore your insubordination this time, although I will not be so lenient again. It is a way of reminding the Empire that it is us in charge, and that we will win the next war. Understood?

 **JusticiarOndolemar:** Understood. On a different note, the rain outside has stopped, and I believe we can reach the Embassy before sunset if we leave now. Permission to do so?

 **Natural_Selection:** Permission granted. Dismissed.

 **< JusticiarOndolemar> **logged off

 **< Natural_Selection> **logged off

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Natural_Selection** = Elenwen
> 
>  **ARCANO** = Ancano
> 
>  **interrogator** = Rulindil
> 
>  **JusticiarOndolemar** = Ondolemar


	10. Taking Bets On How Fucked Delvin Is On A Scale Of Literal To Stabbed With A Pick In The Dick

**Taking Bets On How Fucked Delvin Is On A Scale Of Literal To Stabbed With A Pick In The Dick**

**< redhead> ** logged on

**redhead:** two things.

**redhead:** first

**redhead:** why did i think giving all of you chatroom naming privileges was a good idea?

**redhead:** second

**redhead:** who’s taking bets?

**RUNE:** me

**redhead:** beware the quiet ones i see

**TheLegend27:** oh hey look what i found and definitely didnt steal from delvin

**TheLegend27:** [warning.jpg](https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/elderscrolls/images/4/4e/A_warning.png/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/350?cb=20130120202321)

**redhead:** well lass, you still can’t lie for shit but you’ve got balls.

**redhead:** metaphorically speaking.

**TheLegend27:** i was wondering

**TheLegend27:** and anyway i didnt actually steal it i left it right where he left it and took a picture

**RUNE:** you do realize i might have to start taking bets on how fucked you are next, right

**TheLegend27:** pssssh itll be fine

**TheLegend27:** anyway rune ill put ten septims on pick in the dick

**redhead:** same.

**RUNE:** alright, come by at some point to put down said septims

**redhead:** i’ll be right there

**TheLegend27:** can i give them to you tomorrow morning im out on a job in markarth

**TheLegend27:** markarth sucks by the way

**RUNE:** nobody’s arguing that

**RUNE:** cynric could go on for days about cidhna mine

**RUNE:** and has

**< dontvexme>** logged on

**RUNE:** and that’s my cue to leave

**< RUNE>** logged off

**dontvexme:** im not sure whether to laugh or stab someone 

**redhead:** how about neither for now

**redhead:** but have you stabbed delvin with a pick in the dick yet or no?

**dontvexme:** no

**TheLegend27:** my septims

**TheLegend27:** noooooo

**dontvexme:** not yet

**dontvexme:** ill gladly do so if i can actually find the man

**< xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx>** logged on

**xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** Vex why

**dontvexme:** scroll up

**dontvexme:** new kid found the warning

**dontvexme:** now if you can stay well out of my way for the next couple days i might reconsider

**TheLegend27:** please dont i have ten septims on you stabbing him in the pick with a dick

**TheLegend27:** i mean stabbing him in the dick with a pick

**TheLegend27:** ughhh

**xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** Personally I'd rather have neither

**TheLegend27:** id rather have pick in the dick i have money on that

**TheLegend27:** nothing personal tho

**redhead:** lass, you have no shame. at all.   
****

**TheLegend27:** well yeah **  
**

**TheLegend27:** youre just now figuring this out

**< MercerTheFrey>** logged on

**MercerTheFrey:** ...

**redhead:** so I know this doesnt look good

**MercerTheFrey:** Save it.

**MercerTheFrey:** Fifty on stabbed with a pick in the dick.

**< MercerTheFrey>** logged off

**xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** Oh come on

**xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** Does no one have faith in my romancing ability

**dontvexme:** nope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **redhead** = Brynjolf
> 
> **RUNE** = Rune
> 
> **TheLegend27** = Dragonborn
> 
> **dontvexme** = Vex
> 
> **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx** = Delvin Mallory
> 
> **MercerTheFrey** = Mercer Frey


	11. Ria, We Know You Killed A Bear Yesterday

**_Ria, We Know You Killed A Bear Yesterday_ **

**< TheLegend27>** logged on

 **TheLegend27:** isnt that her username

 **badass:** Yes, unfortunately

 **The_Huntress:** we killed one on the way back to jorrvaskr yesterday and she hasn’t shut up since

 **TheLegend27:** rip

 **< ikilledabearyesterday> **logged on

 **badass:** Oh no

 **The_Huntress:** end me now plz

 **badass:** Gladly

 **The_Huntress:** i wasn't talking to you bitch

 **ikilledabearyesterday:** hey _@TheLegend27_ I killed a bear yesterday

 **badass:** Oh gods here she goes again

 **TheLegend27:** dont worry i got this

 **ikilledabearyesterday:** did you kill anything?

 **TheLegend27:** i killed a dragon

 **The_Huntress:** you what now

 **TheLegend27:** a dragon

 **TheLegend27:** i killed it

 **badass:** You’re the Dragonborn

 **TheLegend27:** well yeah

 **TheLegend27:** i thought this had already been established

 **The_Huntress:** no but im really not surprised

 **badass:** Honestly, me neither

 **TheLegend27:** but yeah i killed a dragon yesterday

 **The_Huntress:** niiiiiice

 **TheLegend27:** it was trying to eat me as usual

 **TheLegend27:** _@ikilledabearyesterday_ you still here or no

 **< stone-arm>** logged on

 **stone-arm:** thought you all might like to know that Ria is currently staring at her phone in shock

 **< ikilledabearyesterday>** logged off

 **stone-arm:** and she dropped it

 **badass:** I probably should be sympathetic but I’m really not

 **badass:** She did kinda have this coming

 **The_Huntress:** lol since when have you ever been sympathetic Vilkas

 **badass:** When have I not been

 **The_Huntress:** the time you changed the name of the circle group chat and blamed Skjor and i

 **The_Huntress:** the time you took one look at the dragonborn here and decided she looked like a milk-drinker because she happened to prefer a bow

 **TheLegend27:** bows are great

 **The_Huntress:** a-fucking-greed

 **The_Huntress:** would you like me to continue

 **< badass>** logged off

 **The_Huntress:** thats a no

 **stone-arm:** i should really log on more often this is great

 **The_Huntress:** fuck yeah girls club

 **TheLegend27:** what about ria

 **The_Huntress:** she can come if she doesn’t go on about how she killed a bear yesterday

* * *

**_Private Conversation between [ikilledabearyesterday] and [badass]_ **

**ikilledabearyesterday:** can you change my username?

 **badass:** Don't you think that if I could have, I would have changed my brother's

 **ikilledabearyesterday:** ...fuck

 **badass:** So yeah you're stuck with it. Have fun

 **< badass>** logged off

 **ikilledabearyesterday:** FUCK


	12. The Dark Brotherhood Forever

**_The Dark Brotherhood Forever_ **

**TheLegend27:** so was it really necessary to make an entirely new chatroom for the new guy

 **TheLegend27:** he cant be that bad can he

 **the.astrid:** you haven't seen his selfies

 **TheLegend27:** theyre that bad

 **wolfy:** yes

 **x_WIZARD_x:** He has no taste in dress, let's put it that way.

 **Sands_of_the_Alik’r:** He’s a jester

 **Sands_of_the_Alik’r:** Do I really have to explain why I don't like him

 **TheLegend27:** i know you hate jesters

 **Sands_of_the_Alik’r:** Good. You’re learning

 **TheLegend27:** btw i did the narfi contract on my way to do the ennodius papius one

 **Sands_of_the_Alik’r:** Congratulations, you killed an emaciated beggar in cold blood

 **Sands_of_the_Alik’r:** Truly, you are an opponent to be feared

 **BABS:** lol, savage

 **TheLegend27:** i did say im on my way to do the other ones right

 **the.astrid:** you did

 **the.astrid:** anyway I’m still not sure if Cicero will be able to see past messages when I add him so I’m going to make another chatroom

 **the.astrid:** again

 **the.astrid:** he’s arriving tomorrow so unfortunately I can't procrastinate this anymore

 **the.astrid:** for the love of Sithis don't say anything until I've added everyone

 **< the.astrid>** logged off

 **TheLegend27:** wait his names cicero

 **FutureVision:** ye.

 **TheLegend27:** and hes wearing a jester costume

 **wolfy:** [hi!!!!!!!!!.jpg](https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/elderscrolls/images/f/fd/Cicerio.png)

 **TheLegend27:** well fuck he might want to stab me

* * *

**_New Chatroom 178307_ **

**< the.astrid>** created a new chatroom

**Chatroom renamed to [Hail Sithis]**

**< the.astrid>** added **< wolfy>**

 **< wolfy>** logged on

 **< the.astrid>** added **< Sands_of_the_Alik’r>**

 **< the.astrid>** added **< BABS>**

 **< BABS> **logged on

 **< Sands_of_the_Alik'r>** logged on

 **< the.astrid>** added **< FutureVision>**

 **< the.astrid>** added **< x_WIZARD_x>**

 **< x_WIZARD_x> **logged on

 **< the.astrid>** added **< shadowScale>**

 **< the.astrid>** added **< TheLegend27>**

 **the.astrid:** let’s do this

 **< the.astrid>** added **< stabbystab>**

 **< stabbystab>** logged on

 **stabbystab:** hi!!!!! Cicero is pleased to meet you all!!!! :D

 **the.astrid:** _@all_ get in here dammit

 **< TheLegend27>** logged on

 **TheLegend27:** um hi

 **TheLegend27:** look im really sorry about what went down at the loreius farm but i needed them dead and i couldnt kill them myself

 **stabbystab:** ...well. no hard feelings here!!! Cicero understands, you did what you had to!!!!

 **the.astrid:** wait, you two know each other

 **TheLegend27:** does accidentally reporting someone to the local guard count as knowing them

 **stabbystab:** Cicero thinks so!!!

 **TheLegend27:** then yes

 **TheLegend27:** really sorry about that btw

 **stabbystab:** ;)

 **the.astrid:** how the fuck do you do that accidentally

 **TheLegend27:** this was one of my several failed attempts to get you guys to recruit me ok

 **the.astrid:** seriously

 **TheLegend27:** well what was i supposed to do

 **TheLegend27:** there isnt exactly a manual for how to join the dark brotherhood going around

 **TheLegend27:** or if there is i never found it

 **x_WIZARD_x:** There isn’t one.

 **TheLegend27:** ok good

 **TheLegend27:** wait we should make one

 **wolfy:** Why though

 **BABS:** y not tho?

 **stabbystab:** Cicero thinks a manual on how to join the Brotherhood would be a great idea!!!

 **TheLegend27:** step one steal one of their contracts

 **the.astrid:** dammit no, that's how you get yourself killed

 **the.astrid:** do you realize how close we were to just offing you ourselves

 **TheLegend27:** no

 **the.astrid:** this is going to be a long night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TheLegend27** = Dragonborn
> 
>  **the.astrid** = Astrid
> 
>  **wolfy** = Arnbjorn
> 
>  **x_WIZARD_x** = Festus Krex
> 
>  **Sands_of_the_Alik'r** = Nazir
> 
>  **BABS** = Babette
> 
>  **FutureVision** = Gabriella
> 
>  **shadowScale** = Veezara
> 
>  **stabbystab** = Cicero


	13. Winterhold Faculty & Staff

**_Winterhold Faculty & Staff_ **

**Mira-Bell:** _@all_ So, remember to not post in the main chat unless absolutely necessary. You all know why

 **< Questionable>** logged on

 **Questionable:** yep, ancano the thalmor bitch

 **Mira-Bell:** While your language is not appreciated, Enthir, the sentiment I can agree with

 **Questionable:** i know im

 **Questionable:** <<<

 **Mira-Bell:** Enthir, please

 **Questionable:** hey mirabelle can i have permission to post in the main chat to mess with the thalmor bitch

 **Mira-Bell:** If I say no, you’re going to do it regardless

 **Mira-Bell:** So no

 **Questionable:** imma do it anyway

 **Mira-Bell:** However, just between you and me, your punishment will be significantly more lenient than if you were caught doing anything else

 **Questionable:** sweet

 **Questionable:** bye

 **< Questionable>** logged off

 **mmmmmagic:** This is going to be good.

 **Mira-Bell:** ...Savos, you really aren’t supposed to be encouraging this kind of behavior

 **mmmmmagic:** Who said I was encouraging it?

 **Mira-Bell:** Never mind

 **mmmmmagic:** If you’re interested, I have sweetrolls.

 **Mira-Bell:** You… always have sweetrolls

 **mmmmmagic:** We could eat them while we watch what Enthir gets up to?

 **Mira-Bell:** Okay…? What are you getting at

 **mmmmmagic:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **Mira-Bell:** Oh. Alright. That was a little unnecessary, but I’m on my way

 **< Mira-Bell>** logged off

 **< mmmmmagic>** logged off

 **Light_It_Up:** dont you just love it when they forget theyre in a group chat

 **invisibleman:** yep.

 **Light_It_Up:** drevis quick question

 **Light_It_Up:** are your arms still invisible

 **invisibleman:**...maybe.

* * *

**_College Main Chat_ **

**< Questionable>** logged on

 **Questionable:** _@ARCANO_ waddup my hot piece of altmer meat

 **ARCANO:**...what is the meaning of this?

 **Questionable:** i want to do things to you that you wont want to report back ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **Questionable:** i want you to put the high in high elf

 **Questionable:** and in me

 **Questionable:** especially in me i want that hot altmer dick in my nether regions

 **ARCANO:** Who is this???

 **Questionable:** the one from your erotic wet dreams

 **ARCANO:** Stop this. Now.

 **ARCANO:** I don’t have erotic wet dreams.

 **Questionable:** everyone has erotic wet dreams

 **Questionable:** even _@Mira-Bell_ has erotic wet dreams

 **Mira-Bell:** Don’t bring me into this

 **ARCANO:** I demand you remove this… this imbecile at once!

 **Mira-Bell:**  I’m afraid your level of access does not extend to ordering me or any other member of the College around

 **ARCANO:** SHE IS HARASSING ME.

 **Mira-Bell:** She? You might be mistaken

 **Questionable:** um yeah no

 **ARCANO:** REMOVE HIM AT ONCE.

 **Mira-Bell:** I’m sorry, but it’s not my business as Master WIzard what members of the College get up to in their free time, or in this chatroom

 **Questionable:** lol

 **ARCANO:** YOU’RE RIGHT HERE.

 **Mira-Bell:** Actually, I’m afraid my signal is breaking up

 **Mira-Bell:** It looks like I conveniently won’t be able to post anything for several hours but will just be forced to watch and suffer in agony

 **Mira-Bell:** What a tragedy

 **ARCANO:** WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.

 **Questionable:** wanna pick up where we left off, hot stuff

 **ARCANO:** I AM A THALMOR JUSTICIAR, AND MORE IMPORTANTLY I DO NOT BOTHER MYSELF WITH RELATIONSHIPS OF ANY KIND.

 **Questionable:** oh so ure shutting me down because i’m gay

 **Questionable:** homophobe

 **ARCANO:** NO! I JUST SAID WHY.

 **Questionable:** i see where this is going

 **Questionable:** shame on u

 **Questionable:** how could u not want some of this hot bosmer dick

 **ARCANO:** I WOULD RATHER FUCK MIRABELLE THAN YOU!

 **mmmmmagic:** Really.

 **mmmmmagic:** I would choose your next words very carefully if I were you.

 **< TheLegend27>** logged on

 **< meow>** logged on

 **< ConjurationYes>** logged on

 **< The_Only_Nord>** logged on

 **TheLegend27:** hey we all survived saarthal

 **The_Only_Nord:** holy shit, what did we miss?

 **ConjurationYes:** We missed the fun stuff

 **ARCANO:** I WAS AND AM BEING HARASSED HOW WAS THIS FUN STUFF???

 **meow:** _@Questionable_ j’zargo’s respect for u just dramatically increased

 **Questionable:** glad i could be of service ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **meow:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **Questionable:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **ConjurationYes:** Don’t fucking start

 **meow:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **Questionable:** ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **The_Only_Nord:**  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) mine too

 **ConjurationYes:** Dammit, you too? I didn’t get enough sleep for this shit

 **TheLegend27:** oh btw _@mmmmmagic_ tolfdir and i found some weird orb thing underneath saarthal

 **TheLegend27:** he stayed behind to stare at it i shit you not

 **mmmmmagic:** Hm. Interesting. That does sound like Tolfdir.

 **< Mira-Bell>** logged off

* * *

**_Winterhold Faculty & Staff_ **

**< Mira-Bell>** logged on

 **Mira-Bell:** _@myalembic_ What exactly did you find

 **< myalembic>** logged on

 **myalembic:** would you believe me if I said I had no clue?

 **Mira-Bell:** Yes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Mira-Bell** = Mirabelle Ervine
> 
>  **Questionable** = Enthir
> 
>  **mmmmmagic** = Savos Aren
> 
>  **Light_It_Up** = Faralda
> 
>  **invisibleman** = Drevis Neloren
> 
>  **ARCANO** = Ancano
> 
>  **TheLegend27** = Dragonborn
> 
>  **meow** = J'zargo
> 
>  **ConjurationYes** = Brelyna
> 
>  **The_Only_Nord** = Onmund
> 
>  **myalembic** = Tolfdir


	14. Skyrim Sucks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Psst this is your friendly neighborhood author here... if you liked this, why not check out some of my other stuff? I can't guarantee it'll be as laugh-inducing as this, but if you're bored and need Skyrim content...

**_Skyrim Sucks_ **

**< ARCANO>** logged on

**ARCANO:** _@all_ I hate this College.

**< JusticiarOndolemar>** logged on

**JusticiarOndolemar:** You think that’s bad? Try Markarth.

**JusticarOndolemar:** It was built by the Dwemer.

**ARCANO:** Good point. However, I sincerely doubt the Dwemer have sent a gay Bosmer to mess with you every single time you so much as log in to their group chat.

**JusticiarOndolemar:** ...what happened?

**ARCANO:** Exactly what I just said.

**ARCANO:** How’s the Embassy?

**JusticiarOndolemar:** Not great. You heard what happened. Rulindil was killed, and he wasn’t the only one. While I personally did not see anything, I did see the aftermath.

**ARCANO:** Wait, Rulindil DIED?

**ARCANO:** _@interrogator_ You're not dead, right? Please log on...

**JusticiarOndolemar:** Did I stutter? Yes. He died. No point in tagging him.

**ARCANO:**  How? When? What happened?

**JusticiarOndolemar:** You mean Elenwen didn’t bitch at you about it, too?

**ARCANO:** Not at me. I’m all the way in Winterhold, unfortunately.

**JusticiarOndolemar:** Not unfortunately. You were lucky to miss it. A Blades agent somehow got an invitation to Elenwen’s party, got into the Embassy, slaughtered every one of us in her path, and escaped with valuable intelligence.

**ARCANO:** Wait… so how did you survive if the Blade slaughtered everyone in her path?

**JusticiarOndolemar:** I was at the party, remember? The Blade only slaughtered everyone behind the scenes, minus the prisoners she freed and a former employee working with her. Wood elf.

**ARCANO:** And you have no idea who this even was?

**ARCANO:** Ondolemar?

**JusticiarOndolemar:** No, unfortunately. My apologies for the delay, a citizen just had the bright idea to attempt flirting with me. Charmed, but no thank you.

**ARCANO:** What is it with Skyrim and flirting? You should see some of the things this damned Bosmer has said!

**JusticiarOndolemar:** That bad, huh?

**ARCANO:** He said, and I quote, that “he was the one from my erotic wet dreams.”

**JusticiarOndolemar:** You have erotic wet dreams?

**ARCANO:** NO!

**ARCANO:** AND IF I DID, THIS DAMNED BOSMER WOULDN’T BE IN THEM!

**JusticiarOndolemar:** Touchy subject, I see, but understood.

**JusticiarOndolemar:** Say, Ancano. Want to come to Markarth for a change? Root out Talos worshippers, not be up in the freezing north of the freezing north?

**ARCANO:** And who would be stationed at the College?

**JusticiarOndolemar:** We could switch places, if you wanted. And if we could get Elenwen to agree.

**ARCANO:** As tempting as that is, no. Even if Elenwen agreed, which she wouldn’t, this is my job and I must complete it.

**JusticiarOndolemar:** ...right. What are you doing up there, again?

**ARCANO:** Ensuring that the College does not pose a threat to the Dominion, and taking or destroying any magical artifacts they might happen to acquire while I am here.

**JusticiarOndolemar:** Noted. Alright. Good luck with the gay Bosmer.

**< JusticiarOndolemar>** logged off

**ARCANO:** DON’T LEAVE ME!

**ARCANO:** ...oh well. It’s fine. This is fine. I’m fine.

**ARCANO:** Goodbye, my friend.

**< ARCANO>** logged off

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **ARCANO** = Ancano
> 
> **JusticiarOndolemar** = Ondolemar
> 
> **interrogator** = Rulindil


	15. (The) Castle (is) Dour

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, a Stormcloak chatroom is in the works. The Dragonborn in this will not be picking a side, and I'll keep putting up both Imperial and Stormcloak chatrooms as long as this goes for. Which probably will be a while.
> 
> A lot of the shenanigans in the Imperial chatroom currently and a lot of the ones planned (especially the bit about spiking tea with dubiously legal drugs) were inspired by the shenanigans of [Ask General Tullius](http://askgeneraltullius.tumblr.com/).

**_(The) Castle (is) Dour_ **

**GENERAL:** _@all_ any luck recruiting the dragonborn so far

 **honor:** we’re working on it, general

 **< Just-a-Nord>** logged on

 **Just-a-Nord:** I still can’t get over how informal you are in here…

 **honor:** pfft what you thought we were serious all the time

 **honor:** well the general is but he just doesn’t bother with punctuation… or capitalization…

 **honor:** but really, you should see him when he’s drunk.

 **Just-a-Nord:** um.

 **GENERAL:** rikke

 **honor:** yes?

 **GENERAL:** i didnt sign off on this chatroom so you could tell every random soldier all my embarrassing secrets

 **honor:** oh i know.

 **GENERAL:** i could send you off on a suicide mission right now

 **honor:** and i could spike your tea with dubiously legal drugs again so we’re even.

 **Just-a-Nord:** um… I might be able to get in touch with the Dragonborn…

 **honor:** really? nice. you know her?

 **Just-a-Nord:** I… know of her. She was at Helgen, and she’s good friends with a lot of the people in my hometown. Including my uncle.

 **GENERAL:** the dragonborn was at helgen

 **Just-a-Nord:** Yes, sir. She was a prisoner. Was not on the list, but the captain decided to execute her regardless.

 **GENERAL:** without any proof

 **Just-a-Nord:** um… yes, sir. The captain in charge at the moment might have believed her to be a Stormcloak spy.

 **honor:** general, the captain in question died at helgen

 **GENERAL:** well if she hadnt i would have her courtmartialed for that

 **Just-a-Nord:** out of curiosity, sir… would you have had her courtmartialed if the prisoner in question wasn’t the Dragonborn?

 **GENERAL:** what do you take me for of course i would have

 **honor:** coughhedoesn’tbelieveinallthisNordnonsenseanywaycough

 **GENERAL:** rikke by the eight

 **honor:** only stating the facts, general. :)

 **Just-a-Nord:** ...I still can’t believe how informal this is. And why is nobody else talking?

 **honor:** haven’t set up their accounts yet?

 **GENERAL:** sounds reasonable

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **GENERAL** = General Tullius
> 
>  **honor** = Legate Rikke
> 
>  **Just-a-Nord** = Hadvar


	16. TALOS YO!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Up to you guys to decide who the Dragonborn went with at Helgen. :)

**_TALOS YO!_ **

**FUSRODIE:** _@all_ any luck recruiting the Dragonborn yet?

 **Fearless:** um… i might have run into her in Helgen

 **FUSRODIE:** really? she was at Helgen too?

 **Fearless:** yesss

 **stone-fist:** Question: was anyone NOT at Helgen besides me?

 **Fearless:** i dont think so

 **FUSRODIE:** ...Rikke wasn’t.

 **stone-fist:** And Tullius was? Huh.

 **Fearless:** wait, Rikke? as in the Imperial second-in-command? you knew her?

 **FUSRODIE:** can we not talk about this right now

 **stone-fist:** Aye. She and Ulfric were fucking.

 **FUSRODIE:** Galmar!

 **stone-fist:** What? You two made it obvious.

 **Fearless:** you were fucking the Imperial second-in-command?

 **FUSRODIE:** ...well, she wasn’t the Imperial second-in-command then.

 **stone-fist:** And you could argue that it was her that was fucking Ulfric!

 **FUSRODIE:** GALMAR!

 **stone-fist:**  THIS IS PAYBACK FOR ALL THOSE TIMES, ULFRIC.

 **stone-fist:** THE TWO OF YOU WERE SO LOUD NOT EVEN A MUFFLE SPELL WOULD HAVE HELPED.

 **Fearless:** um… weren’t we talking about the Dragonborn

 **FUSRODIE:** YES.

 **stone-fist:** Nah, we’re talking about Ulfric’s complete lack of a love life after the Great War.

 **stone-fist:** Payback. :)

 **FUSRODIE:** GALMAR I SWEAR I WILL SHOUT YOU INTO THE SEA OF GHOSTS.

 **stone-fist:** I can swim. :)

 **< Fearless>** logged off

* * *

**_Private Conversation between <Fearless> and <Just-a-Nord>_ **

**Fearless:** hey hadvar idk if you changed your username or not

 **Just-a-Nord:** I didn’t. Not even sure if it’s possible.

 **Fearless:** oh. ok.

 **Just-a-Nord:** What the fuck do you want, Ralof?

 **Fearless:** fine no time for pleasantries it is

 **Just-a-Nord:** WE ARE ON DIFFERENT SIDES OF A WAR, RALOF.

 **Just-a-Nord:** FOR FUCK’S SAKE WHAT DO YOU WANT.

 **Fearless:** you know rikke right?

 **Just-a-Nord:** ...kind of. If you mean Legate Rikke.

 **Fearless:** i mean legate rikke

 **Just-a-Nord:** Then yes. Kind of. What of it?

 **Fearless:** she and jarl ulfric were fucking ;)

 **Just-a-Nord:** WHAT

 **< Fearless>** logged off

 **Just-a-Nord:** WHAT THE FUCK

 **Just-a-Nord:** RALOF YOU CAN’T DROP SOMETHING LIKE THAT AND LEAVE

 **Just-a-Nord:** FUCKING WHEN

 **Just-a-Nord:** _@Fearless_ GET BACK IN HERE YOU MILK-DRINKER.

 **< Fearless>** logged on

 **Fearless:** fine, fine, no need to make it personal

 **Fearless:** i didn’t ask when, but i’m assuming during the great war.

 **Fearless:** now if you’ll excuse me i’d like to get back to the stormcloak group chat jarl ulfric just threatened to shout galmar stone-fist into the sea of ghosts if he keeps bringing up rikke

 **Just-a-Nord:** ...I wish I could say the Legion’s group chat was more professional than that.

 **Fearless:** you mean it’s not???

 **Just-a-Nord:** My thoughts exactly. When I left, Legate Rikke was threatening to spike General Tullius’s tea with, and I quote, “dubiously legal drugs”.

 **Fearless:** omfg that’s beautiful

 **Fearless:** well i gotta go

 **Fearless:** see you hadvar

 **Just-a-Nord:** ...you do know this is only going to make it harder when we inevitably meet on the battlefield, right?

 **Fearless:** can’t be any harder than helgen.

 **< Fearless>** logged off

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **FUSRODIE** = Ulfric Stormcloak
> 
>  **Fearless** = Ralof
> 
>  **stone-fist** = Galmar Stone-Fist
> 
>  **Just-a-Nord** = Hadvar


	17. Petition to Kick Niruin Out (Talk to Sapphire)

**_Petition to Kick Niruin Out (Talk to Sapphire)_ **

**< TheLegend27>** logged on

 **TheLegend27:** who the fuck is niruin and why the fuck is he getting kicked out

 **redhead:** he’s not getting kicked out, if we kicked people out on things like that we wouldn’t have anyone, lass

 **redhead:** so how did the honningbrew job go?

 **TheLegend27:** psssh honningbrew who the fuck are they

 **redhead:** guessing that means it went well

 **TheLegend27:** yep although it would have been nice to know that poisoning the whiterun captain of the guard wasn’t going to kill him beforehand

 **TheLegend27:** you have to have a certain frame of mind to kill people and it tends to fuck everything up if you don’t actually kill anyone

 **TheLegend27:** fortunately there was a crazy skeever hobo living in the basement

 **redhead:** fortunately?

 **Jewel_Thief:** “you have to have a certain frame of mind to kill people” girl wtf

 **Jewel_Thief:** also brynjolf it’s only a matter of time until niruin goes the same way karliah did

 **Marksman:** _I am right here, bitch._

 **Marksman:** _Don’t you dare compare me to her._

 **TheLegend27:** who the fuck is karliah

 **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** that’s… not an easy topic for any of us, you know.

 **TheLegend27:** i didnt but im still curious who the fuck is karliah

 **dont_vex_me:** she was the bitch that murdered our last guildmaster

 **TheLegend27:** what

 **dont_vex_me:** before my time but i heard a lot about him from the older members

 **redhead:** yes… it’s even worse when you take into account that karliah and gallus were… involved, if you get what i mean.

 **Jewel_Thief:** Brynjolf we’re thieves you can say they were fucking

 **redhead:** fine. they were fucking.

 **redhead:** she murdered gallus, tried to murder mercer, and fled.

 **< nighteyes> **logged on

 **redhead:** speak of the devil

 **redhead:** delvin i thought you removed her

 **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** I thought you did

 **nighteyes:** look you have to believe me

 **nighteyes:** i

 **nighteyes:** did not

 **redhead:** nice try lass, we know what you did

 **< nighteyes>** was removed from **_[Petition to Kick Niruin Out (Talk to Sapphire)]_ **

**TheLegend27:** im guessing that was karliah

 **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** sure was. fortunately, we won’t have to deal with her anymore.

 **redhead:** wait did we remove her from the other chats

 **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** I’m pretty sure Mercer did but I’ll check

 **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** Also, speaking of Mercer

 **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** _@TheLegend27_ he was looking for you

 **TheLegend27:** well that cant be good but fine ill go find him

 **< TheLegend27> **logged off

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TheLegend27** = Dragonborn
> 
>  **redhead** = Brynjolf
> 
>  **Jewel_Thief** = Sapphire
> 
>  **Marksman** = Niruin
> 
>  **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx** = Delvin Mallory
> 
>  **dont_vex_me** = Vex
> 
>  **nighteyes** = Karliah


	18. Werewolves All Are We

**_Werewolves All Are We_ **

**< The_Huntress>** added **< TheLegend27>** to **_[Werewolves All Are We]_ **

**mane_of_white:** Aela, please tell me you didn’t do what I think you did.

 **The_Huntress:** aight I won’t

 **mane_of_white:** Aela…

 **The_Huntress:** anyway it wasn’t me, it was Skjor. I just helped. also dragged our newest werewolf out of the city before shit could happen.

 **The_Huntress:** _@TheLegend27_ you’re fucking heavy you know

 **mane_of_white:** Language.

 **The_Huntress:** sorry

 **< TheLegend27>** logged on

 **TheLegend27:** my head hurts so fucking much right now but hey am i a werewolf now

 **The_Huntress:** yeah!

 **mane_of_white:** Yes, unfortunately. Welcome to the curse.

 **mane_of_white:** Also, language.

 **The_Huntress:** look Kodlak we know you want a cure but I don’t! neither does Skjor!

 **mane_of_white:** You’ve told me, at least fifty-three times in the last week. I’ve been counting.

 **mane_of_white:** Not to intrude, but where is Skjor? Is he with you?

 **The_Huntress:** um… we might be right outside a Silver Hand stronghold. and Skjor might have gone in ahead of us. hey _@TheLegend27_ you want to murder some evil bastards

 **TheLegend27:** fuck yeah

 **mane_of_white:** Aela, just because they’re werewolf hunters does not make them evil.

 **The_Huntress:** they’re basically bandits ok

 **TheLegend27:** that i can see but um aela quick question

 **The_Huntress:** yeah?

 **TheLegend27:** were two feet away from each other why are we talking in the chatroom

 **The_Huntress:** ...good point.

 **The_Huntress:** hey _@LoneWolf_ everything ok in there?

 **< LoneWolf>** logged on

 **LoneWolf:** yeah if you dont hurry i might not leave anything for you guys

 **mane_of_white:** ...you can’t see me but I’m currently giving my phone a very disappointed look.

 **LoneWolf:** were being careful

 **mane_of_white:** That’s not what I’m afraid of.

 **mane_of_white:** Also, stop texting while fighting. Focus on fighting.

 **LoneWolf:** right now im not fighting though

 **LoneWolf:** will be in aaaaaaaaa

 **LoneWolf:** asdjfahs

 **mane_of_white:** ...Skjor, are you alright?

 **< LoneWolf>** logged off

 **The_Huntress:** Skjor???

 **The_Huntress:** fuck.

 **mane_of_white:** I think this should go without saying, but now would be a good time to get in there.

 **< The_Huntress> **logged off

 **TheLegend27:** she just turned into a werewolf and ran inside

 **TheLegend27:** should i be worried

 **mane_of_white:** About her, no, just stay close. About Skjor… I have a bad feeling about this.

 **TheLegend27:** got it

 **TheLegend27:** brb

 **< TheLegend27>** logged off

* * *

**_Companions of Jorrvaskr_ **

**< The_Huntress>** logged on

 **The_Huntress:** _@all_ ...Skjor’s dead.

 **ikilledabearyesterday:** wait WHAT THE FUCK

 **< TheLegend27>** logged on

 **< mane_of_white>** logged on

 **mane_of_white:** ...I was afraid this might happen.

 **mane_of_white:** _@The_Huntress @TheLegend27_ Did you at least avenge him?

 **The_Huntress:** who the fuck do you take me for of course we avenged him!

 **badass:** Skjor? you’re sure…?

 **The_Huntress:** YES I’M SURE WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO SEND YOU A PICTURE OF HIS LIFELESS CORPSE TO PROVE IT

 **badass:** no.

 **The_Huntress:** _@mane_of_white_ i'm sending _@TheLegend27_ back, i... need some time.

 **mane_of_white:** Take as long as you need, Aela.

 **The_Huntress:** thank you

 **< The_Huntress> **logged off

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **The_Huntress** = Aela the Huntress
> 
>  **TheLegend27** = Dragonborn
> 
>  **mane_of_white** = Kodlak Whitemane
> 
>  **LoneWolf** = Skjor
> 
>  **ikilledabearyesterday** = Ria
> 
>  **badass** = Vilkas


	19. Hail Sithis

**_Hail Sithis_ **

**< the.astrid>** logged on

 **the.astrid:** _@all_ who made a manual on how to join us and put it under my bed last night

 **shadowScale:** Arnbjorn, there’s like ten copies

 **wolfy:** Traitor

 **shadowScale:** but seriously nobody else would even go in your room

 **the.astrid:** true…

 **wolfy:** I can burn it

 **the.astrid:** no, i think i’ll keep it, perhaps with a few revisions

 **shadowScale:** how come when I do something I always get in trouble

 **shadowScale:** but when Arnbjorn does something he doesn’t

 **BABS:** because they’re married and they do gross adult things in that room

 **shadowScale:** Babette

 **shadowScale:** Babette you are hundreds of years older than me

 **BABS:** how do you know it’s not thousands? :]

 **< TheLegend27>** logged on

 **TheLegend27:** oh shit someone actually made that manual

 **the.astrid:** unfortunately, yes

 **TheLegend27:** can i have a copy

 **the.astrid:** definitely not

 **TheLegend27:** aww

 **FutureVision:** so what have you been up to?

 **TheLegend27:** oh right

 **TheLegend27:** finished up my contracts

 **TheLegend27:** and _@wolfy_ you are no longer the only werewolf :)

 **wolfy:** What

 **TheLegend27:** imma werewolf now and its great i can tear people to pieces without being armed

 **TheLegend27:** being naked when you transform back isnt fun but what can you do

 **BABS:** PFFT WHAT

* * *

**_Private Conversation Between <wolfy> and <TheLegend27>_ **

**wolfy:** Look I don’t know where you got lycanthropy from and I don’t care but can you not

 **TheLegend27:** can i not what

 **wolfy:** Astrid is now concerned that I transform back in the middle of town, which I wouldn’t do anyway, and I obviously love her but can you not spread any more of the specifics

 **TheLegend27:** yeah sure ok

 **TheLegend27:** youre not at all curious where i got it from

 **wolfy:** I’m going to go ahead and guess the Circle

 **TheLegend27:** actually yes

 **TheLegend27:** you were a companion

 **wolfy:** I left a long time ago, and I would never have met Astrid if I hadn’t

 **wolfy:** So I’ll never regret it  <3

 **TheLegend27:** thats fair but you do realize im in like a billion things including the companions and the dark brotherhood at the same time

 **wolfy:** You do you, and I’ll do me

 **TheLegend27:** or you might do astrid

 **wolfy:** Yeah, can’t deny that

 **wolfy:** What else are you in

 **TheLegend27:** thieves guild and college of winterhold

 **TheLegend27:** both sides of the civil war are dumb so im joining neither thanks

 **TheLegend27:** but as if those four wasnt enough im also the dragonborn

 **wolfy:** You’re the Dragonborn

 **TheLegend27:** shit i keep forgetting to mention that dont i

 **TheLegend27:** yeah i can shout and shit its great

 **TheLegend27:** like i can demonstrate if you want

 **wolfy:** What the fuck was that

 **TheLegend27:** shout called aura whisper that lets me see people through walls and shit

 **TheLegend27:** babettes making potions and gabriella’s chatting with her

 **TheLegend27:** festus and veezara are passed out

 **TheLegend27:** i dont even want to know what ciceros doing over there

 **TheLegend27:** i cant see nazir hes still out on his contract

 **TheLegend27:** hey wait

 **TheLegend27:** what the fuck are you and astrid doing

 **TheLegend27:** no texting while fucking

 **wolfy:** Says who

 **wolfy:** Anyway she says hello

 **wolfy:** Well actually, she says to stop peeping or she will stab you, but she means hello

 **TheLegend27:** hi astrid

 **TheLegend27:** im gonna go sleep now bye

 **< TheLegend27>** logged off

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **the.astrid** = Astrid
> 
>  **shadowScale** = Veezara
> 
>  **wolfy** = Arnbjorn
> 
>  **BABS** = Babette
> 
>  **TheLegend27** = Dragonborn
> 
>  **FutureVision** = Gabriella


	20. Class of '201

**_Class of ‘201_ **

**< TheLegend27>** logged on

 **TheLegend27:** hey _@all_ who wants to go steal some books back for urag

 **meow:** ill come

 **TheLegend27:** jzargo

 **TheLegend27:** jzargo you know i love you but i still havent forgiven you for those scrolls

 **meow:** they werent supposed to explode

 **TheLegend27:** i know but

 **TheLegend27:** _@ConjurationYes_ _@The_Only_Nord_ where are you guys

 **< ConjurationYes> **logged on

 **ConjurationYes:** I can’t come, I promised Arniel I’d take a look at more of his dwarven things and I have so many regrets

 **TheLegend27:** rip

 **< The_Only_Nord>** logged on

 **The_Only_Nord:** sorry, I can’t either

 **meow:** fuck yes

 **TheLegend27:** why not

 **The_Only_Nord:** I have to… talk to Enthir

 **TheLegend27:** again

 **The_Only_Nord:** yes.

 **< The_Only_Nord>** logged off

 **TheLegend27:** brelyna are you sure you cant come

 **ConjurationYes:** Positive, I’m afraid

 **ConjurationYes:** Arniel may be oblivious enough for me to be in here, but he’ll notice if I leave

 **ConjurationYes:** Good luck, you two

 **< ConjurationYes>** logged off

 **meow:** so where r we going

 **TheLegend27:** were gonna fuck up some rogue mages

 **meow:** fkn sweet lets goooo ive been wanting to practice my destruction

 **TheLegend27:** you and me both

* * *

**_Private Conversation Between <The_Only_Nord> and <ConjurationYes>_ **

**The_Only_Nord:** just giving you a heads up, I’m going to come in and distract Arniel in a few seconds

 **ConjurationYes:** Alright…? Why

 **The_Only_Nord:** this is an intervention, nobody should have to listen to that guy ramble for hours on end

 **ConjurationYes:** Oh

 **ConjurationYes:** Thanks

 **The_Only_Nord:** get ready

 **ConjurationYes:** Wait, don’t you have to talk to Enthir

 **The_Only_Nord:** of course not, I got my amulet back weeks ago

 **The_Only_Nord:** I just didn’t feel like leaving the College today

 **ConjurationYes:** ...but you feel like bailing me out, for some reason

 **The_Only_Nord:** um… yes? why wouldn’t I? you’d do the same for me

 **ConjurationYes:** I would?

 **ConjurationYes:** um… I mean yeah, I would

 **The_Only_Nord:** ;) intervention coming in five

 **ConjurationYes:** Onmund, a countdown really isn’t necessary

 **The_Only_Nord:** four

 **ConjurationYes:** That was five seconds already, Onmund

 **The_Only_Nord:** three

 **ConjurationYes:** Onmund, please

 **The_Only_Nord:** zero hERE I GO

 **ConjurationYes:** ONMUND NO

* * *

**_College Main Chat_ **

**< Mira-Bell>** logged on

 **Mira-Bell:** _@ConjurationYes @The_Only_Nord_

 **Mira-Bell:** Would the two of you care to explain why I’m getting complaints from Arniel about how disrespectful you are

 **< ConjurationYes> **logged on

 **< The_Only_Nord>** logged on

 **ConjurationYes:** In my defense, I didn’t actually do anything

 **The_Only_Nord:** in my defense, Arniel was going on and on about Dwemer artefacts again and someone had to bail Brelyna out of there

 **ConjurationYes:** *artifacts

 **The_Only_Nord:** what even is the difference?

 **ConjurationYes:** Um… it’s something

 **Mira-Bell:** An artifact is an object. An artefact is an artificial product or effect. You’re welcome

 **ConjurationYes:** Thanks…?

 **Mira-Bell:** And while Arniel’s complaints, if true, do not actually warrant any disciplinary action, may I offer some advice?

 **The_Only_Nord:** sure

 **Mira-Bell:** Brelyna, if you don’t know anything about what Arniel is talking about, please tell him that before he gets going

 **ConjurationYes:** I’ll try

 **Mira-Bell:** Onmund, while your intentions in helping your friend were noble, I would recommend avoiding Arniel for the next several weeks

 **The_Only_Nord:** oh gods, he hates me that much

 **Mira-Bell:** If it makes you feel any better, he’s still annoyed at me for something I did as an apprentice

 **The_Only_Nord:** IT DOESN’T BUT THANKS

 **< The_Only_Nord>** logged off

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TheLegend27** = Dragonborn
> 
>  **meow** = J'zargo
> 
>  **ConjurationYes** = Brelyna Maryon
> 
>  **The_Only_Nord** = Onmund
> 
>  **Mira-Bell** = Mirabelle Ervine


	21. Take A Shot For Every Time A Guard Said "Wait, I Know You..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are they all drunk? Quite possibly. Clearly some sort of drinking game was going on...
> 
> This chapter was partially inspired by the comments section, partially inspired by that one Game of War commercial (you all know the one, it's where I got the Dragonborn's username from), and partially inspired by this gem I found while browsing the Bryn x Dragonborn tag: [Liquid Confidence.](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7738528) Needless to say, this chapter was extremely fun to write.

**_Take A Shot For Every Time A Guard Said “Wait, I Know You…”_ **

**Chatroom renamed to [Let’s Talk About The Dragonborn]**

**redhead:** ok sure but why

 **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** It’s getting slow in here

 **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** Would you prefer this

**Chatroom renamed to [The Dragonborn Cums]**

**redhead:** not really but ok

 **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** _@all_ I heard the Dragonborn can hurl a boulder further than a catapult

 **MercerTheFrey:** Do you seriously think we’re that juvenile?

 **redhead:** oh hey boss, you’re here?

 **< dontvexme>** logged on

 **dontvexme:** i heard the dragonborn fingered a girl once

 **dontvexme:** funerals coming up

 **MercerTheFrey:** Not anymore, I’m not.

 **< MercerTheFrey> **logged off

 **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** VEX I LOVE YOU

 **dontvexme:** see my username

 **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** Ok

 **dontvexme:** dont push your luck

 **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** Ok

 **redhead:** wait, isn’t the Dragonborn a girl?

 **dontvexme:** exactly

 **< Ton>** logged on

 **Ton:** I heard the Dragonborn once defeated an entire army with a single blow

 **redhead:** Tonilia...

 **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** I’ll do you one better, I heard the Dragonborn once defeated an entire army of dragons with a single blow

 **redhead:** Delvin...

 **Ton:** I bet you’d like her to slay your dragon ;)

 **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** I’d prefer Vex but I’ll take what I can get

 **dontvexme:** do u realize how close i am to coming over there and kicking ur ass

 **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** Nope

 **redhead:** Delvin, please, you know we’re better than this...

 **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** Oh come on, you know you want to get in on this too

 **redhead:** irrelevant, but continue, I’m listening

 **RUNE:** i heard the dragonborn is the secret granddaughter of martin septim and the hero of kvatch

 **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** I thought that guy died a virgin

 **RUNE:** are you kidding he and the hero of kvatch were definitely fucking

 **RUNE:** but anyway

 **Jewel_Thief:** i heard the dragonborn once challenged the sun to a staring contest

 **Jewel_Thief:** that’s why we have night

 **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** That’s good, we like the night

 **dontvexme:** u wouldnt get anything done if there wasnt night

 **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** Neither would you, try again

 **< jailbreak>** logged on

 **dontvexme:** well unlike this so called master of stealth i can actually do jobs in the daytime

 **jailbreak:** hA ROASTED

 **jailbreak:** anyway i heard the dragonborn was born of fire, and shes favored by the gods

 **dontvexme:** well duh shes dragonborn

 **the-man:** I heard the Dragonborn can down fifty flagons of ale in a single sitting

 **Ton:** I heard the Dragonborn did that and then proceeded to kill a dragon

 **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** I heard the Dragonborn did just that and killed two more dragons

 **< bandicoot>** logged on

 **bandicoot:** I was on a job in Whiterun when a dragon attacked once

 **bandicoot:** that dragon didn’t stand a chance once the Dragonborn arrived on the scene

 **jailbreak:** how long did it take the dragonborn to arrive on the scene?

 **bandicoot:** two seconds

 **< Marksman>** logged on

 **Marksman:** This is foolish.

 **< Marksman>** logged off

 **sneakthief:** his loss

 **sneakthief:** i heard the dragonborn stopped a waterfall with a teacup

 **sneakthief:** twice

 **sneakthief:** she also saved my life that one time when the thalmor kidnapped me <3

 **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** I heard the Dragonborn is Thane in all nine holds

 **bandicoot:** I heard the Dragonborn is Jarl in all nine holds

 **jailbreak:** i heard the dragonborn is the new high king

 **Ton:** You mean High Queen

 **jailbreak:** no i mean high king she can be a king if she wants to

 **the-man:** I heard she’s next in line to be the next Emperor

 **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** I heard she is the Emperor

 **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** Hey Bryn, you still here or what

 **redhead:** oh I’m here

 **redhead:** I feel like the Dragonborn would be cracking up if she was in this chat

 **dontvexme:** obv shes not tho

 **redhead:** true, true. but one can dream.

 **redhead:** so, tell me the truth: how many of you would fuck the Dragonborn right here, right now, if she asked you to

 **< TheLegend27>** logged on

 **TheLegend27:** what the fuck

 **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** Me

 **dontvexme:** me

 **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** Threesome

 **dontvexme:** not a chance and if u say another word abt that tonight i will end u

 **Jewel_Thief:** me

 **jailbreak:** me

 **bandicoot:** me

 **RUNE:** possibly

 **redhead:** I’m with you there, lad

 **sneakthief:** sure

 **TheLegend27:** as i said

 **TheLegend27:** what the fuck did i miss

 **redhead:** nothing much, lass. most people here would fuck the dragonborn though

 **TheLegend27:** good to know

* * *

**_Private Conversation Between <sneakthief> and <TheLegend27>  
_ **

**TheLegend27:** none of them know do they

 **sneakthief:** nope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **redhead** = Brynjolf
> 
>  **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx** = Delvin Mallory
> 
>  **MercerTheFrey** = Mercer Frey
> 
>  **dontvexme** = Vex
> 
>  **Ton** = Tonilia
> 
>  **RUNE** = Rune
> 
>  **Jewel_Thief** = Sapphire
> 
>  **jailbreak** = Cynric Endell
> 
>  **the-man** = Vekel the Man
> 
>  **bandicoot** = Thrynn
> 
>  **Marksman** = Niruin
> 
>  **sneakthief** = Etienne Rarnis
> 
>  **TheLegend27** = Dragonborn


	22. Did Ysgramor Is Gay

**_Did Ysgramor Is Gay_ **

**< TheLegend27>** logged on

 **TheLegend27:** whats up

 **FARKLE:** the sky i think

 **FARKLE:** wait thats not what you meant

 **TheLegend27:** holy shit farkas you made a pun im so proud

 **TheLegend27:** _@badass_ your brother made a pun

 **badass:** I know, I’m literally right here

 **TheLegend27:** oh

 **M-E-A-D:** hYEEEYYYyyyyyy

 **TheLegend27:** hi torvar

 **TheLegend27:** youre drunk arent you

 **M-E-A-D:** yes and YSE

 **M-E-A-D:** *YEES

 **M-E-A-D:** colse enough

 **TheLegend27:** i only asked one question though

 **badass:** We’ve been dealing with this for hours

 **TheLegend27:** you have my sympathy

 **badass:** Thanks

 **TheLegend27:** i was talking to farkas

 **FARKLE:** thanks

 **TheLegend27:** anyway whats up with the chat name

 **M-E-A-D:** this gyu I met inna bar th other day swears he found YESGMAMOR’S DIARY

 **TheLegend27:** who the fuck is yesgmamor

 **M-E-A-D:** YEESGRAMOR

 **M-E-A-D:** YEASTGRAMOR

 **TheLegend27:** who the fuck is yeastgramor

 **badass:** He means Ysgramor

 **M-E-A-D:** yEAh YEASTGRAOR

 **M-E-A-D:** he GYAAAAAAAAA

 **TheLegend27:** you mean gay

 **TheLegend27:** fucking sweet i knew there was something i liked about the guy

 **M-E-A-D:** yaaaa

 **M-E-A-D:** sooo wahtve yuo been up to lately?

 **TheLegend27:** you know

 **TheLegend27:** stuff

 **TheLegend27:** i found a shard of wuuthrad tho

 **M-E-A-D:** RELLY

 **TheLegend27:** yes relly

 **badass:** ...this is physically painful to read I swear

 **TheLegend27:** then dont

 **badass:** ok

 **< badass>** logged off

 **M-E-A-D:** I CNAT BELIVEE YOU FUOND WUTHRAUD

 **M-E-A-D:** THE ULTMATE SXE TOY

 **TheLegend27:** i found a piece of it

 **TheLegend27:** and its a battleaxe

 **TheLegend27:** i think nobody was ever really clear on that

 **FARKLE:** its a battleaxe

 **TheLegend27:** k got it

 **TheLegend27:** look torvar i dont really want to know how you would use a battleaxe as a sex toy

 **M-E-A-D:** ist simple

 **TheLegend27:** im too sober for this

 **< TheLegend27>** logged off

 **M-E-A-D:** aWWh

* * *

**_Private Conversation Between <mane_of_white> and <The_Huntress>_ **

**mane_of_white:** So, Aela. What have you been up to lately?

 **The_Huntress:** with all due respect kodlak, see my name

 **mane_of_white:** What for?

 **The_Huntress:** stuff?

 **mane_of_white:** Alright. What’s the Dragonborn up to?

 **The_Huntress:** killing dragons I guess

* * *

**_Private Conversation Between <mane_of_white> and <TheLegend27>_ **

**mane_of_white:** So… what have you been up to lately?

 **TheLegend27:** stuff

 **mane_of_white:** What kind of stuff?

 **TheLegend27:** killing dragons

 **mane_of_white:** And a dragon had a shard of Wuuthrad?

 **TheLegend27:** no some bandits did

 **mane_of_white:** Really. These bandits didn’t happen to be the Silver Hand, did they?

 **< TheLegend27> **logged off

 **< TheLegend27>** logged on

 **TheLegend27:** um no of course not

 **TheLegend27:** sorry tripped

 **mane_of_white:** Are you sure about that?

 **TheLegend27:** yeah i definitely tripped scraped my knees too they kinda hurt a lot

 **mane_of_white:** …

 **TheLegend27:** ok maybe i was going to take down some bandits and then realized too late they were silver hand

 **mane_of_white:** …

 **TheLegend27:** ok maybe i didnt realize too late but they were still bandits

 **mane_of_white:** …

 **TheLegend27:** ok maybe i wanted to avenge skjor

 **mane_of_white:** Skjor has long since been avenged. Attacking the Silver Hand at this point will only cause a vicious cycle of retaliation between us until both are destroyed

 **TheLegend27:** fuck thats deep

 **mane_of_white:** …

 **TheLegend27:** sorry

 **mane_of_white:** Listen. I understand that you, like Aela, take to the beast blood quite deeply.

 **TheLegend27:** actually i just like being more powerful

 **TheLegend27:** not quite a dragon but they tend to be a bit more intimidated by a werewolf than just me

 **mane_of_white:** That’s fine. However, I seek a cure. So do Farkas and Vilkas.

 **TheLegend27:** i mean ill help you out but this is legit only for you and farkas vilkas is a lil bitch

 **mane_of_white:** Will you stop interrupting me.

 **TheLegend27:** sorry what do you need me to do

 **mane_of_white:** Meet me downstairs. I really don’t feel like typing out the whole thing tonight.

 **TheLegend27:** sounds good

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TheLegend27** = Dragonborn
> 
>  **FARKLE** = Farkas
> 
>  **badass** = Vilkas
> 
>  **M-E-A-D** = Torvar
> 
>  **mane_of_white** = Kodlak Whitemane
> 
>  **The_Huntress** = Aela the Huntress


	23. Hail Sithis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only our buddy the Dragonborn and Listener can hear the Night Mother. This applies to chatrooms as well. Please... don't question how the Night Mother can get into a chatroom. _Please._

**_Hail Sithis_ **

**< the.astrid>** logged on

**< stabbystab>** logged on

**Chatroom renamed to [we have a listener!!! :D]**

**BABS:** what the fuck

**the.astrid:** for fuck’s sake if you’re going to do that at least do it right

**Chatroom renamed to [We Have A Listener Apparently]**

**BABS:** WHAT THE FUCK

**Chatroom renamed to [we have a listener!!! :D]**

**stabbystab:** it stays!!! :^)

**the.astrid:** someone remind me why I thought giving Cicero moderator privileges was a good idea again

**wolfy:** Because if he’s stayed alive this long, clearly he’s more than just an annoying jester

**the.astrid:** somehow I doubt that was my initial reasoning but ok

**BABS:** OK SURE BUT STILL CAN SOMEONE EXPLAIN

**BABS:** WE HAVE A LISTENER??? WHO???

**BABS:** IS IT GABRIELLA I COULD SEE THE LISTENER BEING GABRIELLA

**FutureVision:** Babette, you flatter me, but I think not

**the.astrid:** _@all_ get in here dammit I have an important announcement to make

**stabbystab:** its not Gabriella oh no ;^)

**< x_WIZARD_x>** logged on

**x_WIZARD_x:** Cicero, are the emojis really necessary?

**stabbystab:** yes!!!  >:^)

**x_WIZARD_x:** Don’t worry, I understand perfectly.

**the.astrid:** Festus that’s not a good thing

**x_WIZARD_x:** What’s this about a Listener?

**the.astrid:** I’ll explain once everyone’s here

**the.astrid:** where the fuck is everyone

**x_WIZARD_x:** Contracts, mostly. I’m fairly sure I saw  _ @TheLegend27 _ recently.

**the.astrid:** so did I

**the.astrid:** _@TheLegend27_ get in here or so help me Sithis you’re getting that contract with the bard

**< TheLegend27>** logged in

**TheLegend27:** im here

**TheLegend27:** im also very fucking confused

**the.astrid:** I’ll keep it short: we have a listener and it’s this idiot

**TheLegend27:** still dont know what a listener is but i can agree on the idiot part

**BABS:** WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT

**x_WIZARD_x:** A Listener? I can hardly believe it…

**FutureVision:** me either, Krex. and I’ve been here longer than you.

**stabbystab:** :^)

**the.astrid:** stop that

**stabbystab:** { >:^)

**TheLegend27:** what the fuck is that supposed to be

**stabbystab:** a jester hat!!! like cicero’s!!! {:^)

**TheLegend27:** noted

**< mother-of-night>** logged on

**TheLegend27:** whoa what the fuck

**x_WIZARD_x:** What?

**TheLegend27:** did none of you see that

**wolfy:** See what

**TheLegend27:** you know what nvm

**TheLegend27:** hey babette can you take a look at the chat real quick on my screen

**BABS:** ya sure why

**TheLegend27:** whos that person that just logged in

**BABS:** ...are you talking about Festus

**TheLegend27:** no like look where im pointing

**BABS:** you’re pointing at your text saying “whoa what the fuck”

**BABS:** r u ok

**TheLegend27:** i might be on stolen skooma but thats irrelevant

**mother-of-night:** they cannot here me my child ;)

**mother-of-night:** *hear

**mother-of-night:** fuck

**TheLegend27:** ok so this might be the skooma talking but i think the night mother is in the chat

**TheLegend27:** someone remind me who that is again please

**FutureVision:** woman who murdered her kids and was blessed by Sithis as a result

**TheLegend27:** awesome **  
**

**mother-of-night:** its not the skooma talking ;)

**TheLegend27:** she says its not the skooma talking ok what the fuck is going on

**stabbystab:** you’re the listener!!! {:^)

**TheLegend27:** really i never would have noticed

**the.astrid:** fine. What does she say about me?

**mother-of-night:** that harlot will die a harlto’s death

**mother-of-night:** *horlot

**mother-of-night:** FUCK *harlot

**TheLegend27:** um

**TheLegend27:** she says you have bad breath

**mother-of-night:** well she does but that’s irrelevant

**TheLegend27:** it smells like onions

**the.astrid:** what

**< Sands_of_the_Alik’r>** logged on

**Sands_of_the_Alik’r:** HA it does I can smell it from here

**the.astrid:** Nazir, why

**mother-of-night:** LMAO

**Sands_of_the Alik’r:** wait what are we talking about

**BABS:** we have a listener it’s  _ @TheLegend27 _ and she’s on skooma

**Sands_of_the_Alik’r:** so nothing new ok

**x_WIZARD_x:** Actually...

**Sands_of_the_Alik’r:** wait WHAT

**x_WIZARD_x:** We have a Listener.

**Sands_of_the_Alik'r:** SHE'S ON SKOOMA WHAT WOULD YOUR MOTHER SAY

**TheLegend27:** no fucking idea

**mother-of-night:** im so proud

**TheLegend27:** nvm shes proud neat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **the.astrid** = Astrid
> 
> **stabbystab** = Cicero
> 
> **BABS** = Babette
> 
> **wolfy** = Arnbjorn
> 
> **FutureVision** = Gabriella
> 
> **x_WIZARD_x** = Festus Krex
> 
> **TheLegend27** = Dragonborn
> 
> **mother-of-night** = Night Mother
> 
> **Sands_of_the_Alik'r** = Nazir


	24. And The Best Septim Is...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was completely inspired by the comments section! You'd be surprised how fun it is to write about fictional characters having fandom discourse on other fictional things. It's actually really fun~

**_And The Best Septim Is…_ **

**< TheLegend27>** logged on

**TheLegend27:** whoa someone changed the chat name i didnt think it was allowed

**mmmmmagic:** It’s allowed when I do it. :)

**TheLegend27:** wait holy shit youre the arch mage

**TheLegend27:** hi

**mmmmmagic:** Hello.

**TheLegend27:** so whats going on

**Mira-Bell:** Discourse

**TheLegend27:** what

**The_Only_Nord:** OK LISTEN

**Mira-Bell:** You’ll figure it out

**The_Only_Nord:** TIBER SEPTIM WAS BEST SEPTIM AND I WILL FIGHT ANYONE AND EVERYONE ON THIS

**myalembic:** seconded

**Mira-Bell:** _@mmmmmagic_ I still think this is a bad idea but anyway

**mmmmmagic:** Don’t worry, it’s a great idea

**Mira-Bell:** Are we really just ignoring the fact that Martin Septim quite literally sacrificed himself to stop the Oblivion Crisis here

**ARCANO:** The Thalmor stopped the Oblivion Crisis.

**The_Only_Nord:** right and the Thalmor are in Skyrim to ”””"keep the peace””””

**Mira-Bell:** Ancano, you don't seriously think anyone here believes that political propaganda, do you? This is a place of learning, and I will not allow the facts to be skewed

**ARCANO:** …

**< ARCANO>** logged off

**Mira-Bell:** Good riddance

**myalembic:** agreed

**myalembic:** and Edmund, my boy, it doesn’t matter what they think. Tiber Septim was and is the best Septim. stick to your beliefs.

**TheLegend27:** who the fuck is edmund

**The_Only_Nord:** wait do you mean me?

**The_Only_Nord:** it’s Onmund but thanks

**< ConjurationYes>** logged on

**ConjurationYes:** Hello! Why are we not talking about Katariah Septim

**mmmmmagic:** You’re completely right. Apologies, Mirabelle, but I’m afraid I must agree with this apprentice.

**Mira-Bell:** Traitor

**The_Only_Nord:** look, Katariah was pretty awesome, but Tiber Septim was better. besides, she married in

**ConjurationYes:** Which is what makes her the BEST. People looked down on her because she was a Dunmer, but she went on to be the best leader the Empire has ever seen

**The_Only_Nord:** okay but she’s still not the best

**ConjurationYes:** If you don’t believe me, answer this: what is Emperor Mede's ship called?

**The_Only_Nord:** how would I know?

**TheLegend27:** the katariah septim

**ConjurationYes:** Thanks

**The_Only_Nord:** how do you even know that???

**TheLegend27:** reasons

**ConjurationYes:** Now do you see? Even the Empire agrees with me. So does the Arch-Mage himself  


**mmmmmagic:** Yes.

**The_Only_Nord:** the ship’s only named that because the Empire renounced Tiber Septim

**ConjurationYes:** THE SHIP’S ONLY NAMED THAT BECAUSE KATARIAH SEPTIM IS THE BEST SEPTIM. END OF STORY

**TheLegend27:** hey you know what i think

**TheLegend27:** i think the dragonborn is the best septim

**meow:** but the dragonborn isnt a septim

**TheLegend27:** you never know she might be

**myalembic:** excuse me, Brenna, as much as I’d like to agree with you, did Katariah Septim become a god?

**meow:** who

**ConjurationYes:** It’s Brelyna and no

**myalembic:** my point exactly.

**ConjurationYes:** BUT the Empire renounced Tiber Septim’s godhood, and Katariah Septim is still the best Septim

**Mira-Bell:** But come on

**Mira-Bell:** You’re all forgetting the Oblivion Crisis

**Mira-Bell:** Martin Septim

**Mira-Bell:** He turned into a dragon, alright

**< MAD_CHEESE> ** logged on

**MAD_CHEESE:** AHAHAHA HE SURE DID

**TheLegend27:** what the fuck

**The_Only_Nord:** who the fuck

**Mira-Bell:** Language

**The_Only_Nord:** whom the fuck

**Mira-Bell:** No

**Mira-Bell:** Why does everyone answer like that

**The_Only_Nord:** how would I know? :)

**Mira-Bell:** Now  _ @MAD_CHEESE _ who are you and what are you doing in this chatroom?

**MAD_CHEESE:** OH I HEARD YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT MY OLD FRIEND MARTIN

**MAD_CHEESE:** OF COURSE FRIEND IS A BIT OF AN UNDERSTATEMENT

**MAD_CHEESE:** IT WAS MORE LIKE FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS ;)

**Mira-Bell:** Alright, that’s enough from you

**< MAD_CHEESE>** was removed from **_[And The Best Septim Is…]_**

**< MAD_CHEESE>** logged in

**MAD_CHEESE:** NICE TRY

**MAD_CHEESE:** ANYWAY IM JUST HERE TO SAY

 **MAD_CHEESE:** MARTIN WAS OBVIOUSLY THE BEST SEPTIM

 **MAD_CHEESE:** OF COURSE HE DID TURN INTO A DRAGON AND THATS HARDLY SPORTING BUT WHAT CAN YOU DO

**< MAD_CHEESE>** logged off

**Questionable:** what the fuck was that

**Mira-Bell:** I would say language, but I’ve given up at this point

**Questionable:** ur learning ;)

**TheLegend27:** i have no idea what that was tbh  


**TheLegend27:** clearly had no regard for chatroom etiquette tho

**The_Only_Nord:** wait… isn’t Sheogorath associated with cheese?

**meow:** THE SKOOMA CAT :D

 **TheLegend27:** ok i need more sleep for this shit

 **Mira-Bell:** It's probably a bad thing that Sheogorath agreed with me, if in fact that's Sheogorath

 **TheLegend27:** yeah probably

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TheLegend27** = Dragonborn
> 
>  **mmmmmagic** = Savos Aren
> 
>  **Mira-Bell** = Mirabelle Ervine
> 
>  **The_Only_Nord** = Onmund
> 
>  **myalembic** = Tolfdir
> 
>  **ARCANO** = Ancano
> 
>  **ConjurationYes** = Brelyna Maryon
> 
>  **meow** = J'zargo
> 
>  **MAD_CHEESE** = Sheogorath (Hero of Kvatch)
> 
>  **Questionable** = Enthir


	25. Go Forth And Steal Shit

**_Go Forth And Steal Shit_ **

**redhead:** so what you’re saying is that it’s Karliah who’s been trying to undermine the Guild here?

 **TheLegend27:** ye

 **redhead:** it’s Karliah who’s been behind Goldenglow, and Honningbrew Meadery?

 **TheLegend27:** ye

 **TheLegend27:** im gonna meet mercer at this one place to bring her down and its gonna be great

 **dontvexme:** give her an extra couple stabs for me plz

 **dontvexme:** goldenglow sucked ass

 **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** You know, I still can’t tell if you mean something’s really good or really bad when you say that

 **dontvexme:** if something sucks ass its bad delvin

 **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** ...oh. That explains a lot

 **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** But really, be careful when you’re fighting Karliah

 **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** And whatever you do, don’t let your guard down

 **TheLegend27:** would you believe me if i said i never do

 **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** Yes

 **TheLegend27:** anyway im almost there

 **TheLegend27:** fuck mercers already here

 **TheLegend27:** bye guys

 **redhead:** see you, lass

 **< TheLegend27>** logged off

* * *

**_Private Conversation between <nighteyes> and <TheLegend27>_ **

**TheLegend27:** i mean i didnt like mercer to begin with the guy is an asshole but theres being an asshole and then theres being a murderer and thats a pretty big difference

 **TheLegend27:** anyway im almost to winterhold ill talk to enthir

 **nighteyes:** good

 **nighteyes:** be careful mercer has eyes everywhere

 **TheLegend27:** oh come on im always careful

 **nighteyes:** the amount of traps you triggered on your way through snow veil sanctum would disagree with you

 **TheLegend27:** ok that was mercer

 **TheLegend27:** he kept shit talking me the entire time telling me that for a thief i wasnt remotely stealthy and all that

 **TheLegend27:** and yet when draugr showed up it wasnt me running at them screaming bloody murder

 **nighteyes:** he does that

 **nighteyes:** and for what its worth im sorry you had to get wrapped up in this

 **TheLegend27:** yo its cool

 **TheLegend27:** were going to get that translation get back to the guild and make that son of a bitch pay for murdering your

 **TheLegend27:** uh

 **TheLegend27:** boyfriend maybe

 **nighteyes:** is it really that obvious

 **TheLegend27:** well yes but also i asked around after you tried to get into the chat

 **TheLegend27:** only adds to my motivation that mercer is a despicable waste of space not worth two septims

 **nighteyes:** you wouldnt be wrong

 **nighteyes:** i would have disagreed once

 **nighteyes:** but that was before he murdered gallus and framed me for it

 **TheLegend27:** you seem remarkably not broken up about that

 **nighteyes:** ive had twenty-five years

 **nighteyes:** and what makes you think im not broken up about it

 **TheLegend27:** true

 **TheLegend27:** ive only got your typing to go by

 **TheLegend27:** anyway i can see winterhold up ahead

 **nighteyes:** goodbye then

 **TheLegend27:** quick question first

 **TheLegend27:** are you sure i cant go into the thieves guild chat and expose mercer for the sleazy douchebag he is

 **nighteyes:** youre welcome to try but i suspect it would not end well and would only result in mercer being made aware of your survival

 **nighteyes:** we need to catch him unawares

 **TheLegend27:** right

 **TheLegend27:** seeya

 **< TheLegend27>** logged off

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **redhead** = Brynjolf
> 
>  **TheLegend27** = Dragonborn
> 
>  **dontvexme** = Vex
> 
>  **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx** = Delvin Mallory
> 
>  **nighteyes** = Karliah


	26. RIP KODLAK

**_RIP KODLAK_ **

**< TheLegend27>** logged on

 **TheLegend27:** whoa what the fuck

 **badass:** Where the FUCK have you been

 **TheLegend27:** fuck you i nearly died

 **badass:** That’s normal for you. Also not an excuse

 **TheLegend27:** i was heading to markarth to grab something for a friend who legit saved my life

 **TheLegend27:** but i guess im making a detour

 **badass:** Where are you going after Markarth

 **TheLegend27:** um

 **TheLegend27:** winterhold i think

 **badass:** Meet me there. The Silver Hand are going to pay

 **< badass>** logged off

 **The_Huntress:** so in case you didn’t figure it out, the Silver Hand attacked Jorrvaskr like yesterday

 **TheLegend27:** i figured it out

 **TheLegend27:** kodlaks dead

 **The_Huntress:** Kodlak’s dead

 **TheLegend27:** well fuck

 **TheLegend27:** vilkas does know its going to be a few days until i get to winterhold right

 **The_Huntress:** probably not, he took off running out of Jorrvaskr a couple of minutes ago

 **The_Huntress:** pretty sure he shifted to get there faster

 **TheLegend27:** hes going to be waiting a while

 **The_Huntress:** so… what were you doing?

 **TheLegend27:** its a long fucking story but ive got a long ride to markarth so i might as well tell someone

* * *

**_Private Conversation Between <TheLegend27> and <The_Huntress>_ **

**The_Huntress:** well I can’t say I’m surprised that you’re a member of the Thieves Guild but damn that’s rough

 **TheLegend27:** yeah for a group of thieves theyre really cool

 **TheLegend27:** i mean so are you guys of course

 **The_Huntress:** well of course we are this is me we’re talking about

 **The_Huntress:** but damn, the Thieves Guild and the Companions… what else are you in, the Dark Brotherhood?

 **TheLegend27:** um about that

 **The_Huntress:** WHAT THE FUCK I WASN'T BEING SERIOUS

 **TheLegend27:** while were at it im also a member of the college of winterhold

 **< TheLegend27>** logged off

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TheLegend27** = Dragonborn
> 
>  **badass** = Vilkas
> 
>  **The_Huntress** = Aela the Huntress


	27. The Dark Brotherhood Forever

**_The Dark Brotherhood Forever_ **

**< TheLegend27>** logged in

 **TheLegend27:** hey _@the.astrid_ is it at all possible for you to send someone else to assassinate the emperor literally everything is going to shit for me right now

 **the.astrid:** no

 **wolfy:** I’ll go

 **the.astrid:** definitely not

 **wolfy:** Aww

 **the.astrid:** you’d better be there, or you can consider yourself unwelcome in my Sanctuary from now on, “Listener”

 **TheLegend27:** what why

 **the.astrid:** because we have been planning this for weeks, because nobody else can get to Solitude in time, because this is our big chance… do I need to continue?

 **TheLegend27:** are you absolutely sure i cant take a sick day

 **the.astrid:** this is the Dark Brotherhood dammit, we don’t take sick days

 **TheLegend27:** aight aight fine

 **TheLegend27:** if one of my prior commitments kills me im blaming you

 **the.astrid:** we’ve been planning this for weeks, you should not have made any prior commitments

 **TheLegend27:** fine ill be there

 **TheLegend27:** considering that the actual gourmet was an orc i dont think theyd bat an eye if one of you guys went though

 **the.astrid:** do I need to make myself any more clear

 **TheLegend27:** nope

 **TheLegend27:** bye arnbjorn

 **wolfy:** see you

 ****< TheLegend27>** ** logged off  **_  
_ **

* * *

**_FUCK FUCK FUCK_ **

**< TheLegend27>** logged on

 **TheLegend27:** _@all_ whos not dead i just got here

 **wolfy:** Not me yet

 **< wolfy>** logged off

 **TheLegend27:** thats encouraging

 **TheLegend27:** oh fuck

 **TheLegend27:** well that was not a pleasant sight to arrive to

 **TheLegend27:** im gonna stab that backstabbing son of a bitch

 **TheLegend27:** poor festus

 **TheLegend27:** oh fuck

 **TheLegend27:** fuck veezara too

 **TheLegend27:** fuck

 **< TheLegend27>** logged off

 **< TheLegend27>** logged on

 **TheLegend27:** well i know that arnbjorn veezara and festus are dead

 **TheLegend27:** if youre not dead and not fighting for your life say something plz

 **TheLegend27:** please

 **BABS:** they took me prisoner

 **BABS:** and by that I mean they “”””rescued”””” the little girl that the Dark Brotherhood was keeping captive

 **BABS:** I’m ok until they figure out imma vampire but I’m pretty sure that Gabriella’s dead

 **TheLegend27:** fuck

 **TheLegend27:** how about astrid and nazir

 **BABS:** Astrid I haven’t seen, but last I saw Nazir he was still fighting

 **TheLegend27:** hold on I think I found him

 **< TheLegend27>** logged off

 **BABS:** well shit

 **< TheLegend27>** logged on

 **< Sands_of_the_Alik’r>** logged on

 **TheLegend27:** sorry but someone i was working with a while back died because he tried to text while fighting so i dont text while fighting anymore

 **Sands_of_the_Alik’r:** That’s oddly responsible of you.

 **TheLegend27:** im gonna take that as a compliment

 **BABS:** so you guys are ok? imma come find you

 **TheLegend27:** maybe stay where you are for now we might be about to be explodinated but no sweat

 **Sands_of_the_Alik’r:** Explodinated is not a word.

 **TheLegend27:** i dont care at this point but we might be fucked

 **TheLegend27:** hey babette if we dont make it out theres a sanctuary near dawnstar

 **TheLegend27:** go there

 **TheLegend27:** the passphrase is innocence my brother

 **TheLegend27:** ciceros there i might have been too lazy to actually kill him

 **Sands_of_the_Alik’r:** Really.

 **TheLegend27:** that and the spectral assassin kept going on about how sithis didnt want me to kill him so i was eventually like fine

 **BABS:** ...spectral assassin?

 **TheLegend27:** holy shit you guys dont know about him

 **TheLegend27:**  after the wedding contract astrid gave me this cool spell to summon the ghost of some dark brotherhood legend or something idk

 **TheLegend27:** if we survive this ill introduce you guys to him i definitely wouldnt have made it out of solitude alive without his help

 **TheLegend27:** of course thats assuming we actually survive this

 **Sands_of_the_Alik’r:** Well, unless you have two extremely potent flame resistance potions on you right now...

 **TheLegend27:** well i do but theyre not potent and not good against explosions

 **< mother-of-night>** logged in

 **TheLegend27:** good timing mom do you have any advice

 **Sands_of_the_Alik’r:** ???

 **mother-of-night:** you haven’t forgotten that the others can’t hear me, have yuo

 **mother-of-night:** *you

 **TheLegend27:** night mother just logged in

 **TheLegend27:** hey any advice on not dying right now maybe those flames are getting awfully close

 **mother-of-night:** embrace me my child ;)

 **TheLegend27:** what

 **TheLegend27:** oh fuck no im not getting in there again

 **Sands_of_the_Alik’r:** Whatever she wants would probably be a good idea, I don’t think we have time to argue. Or should argue regardless.

 **mother-of-night:** ;) i like him

 **TheLegend27:** aight fine time to hug a corpse again

 **BABS:** again???

 **TheLegend27:** long story rip me bye

 **< TheLegend27>** logged off

 **< mother-of-night>** logged off

 **Sands_of_the_Alik’r:** ...should I be worried about the fact that the Listener just jumped into the Night Mother’s coffin?

 **BABS:** nah

 **Sands_of_the_Alik’r:** Should I be worried about the fact that the doors of said coffin just closed behind her?

 **BABS:** nah

 **Sands_of_the_Alik’r:** Should I be worried about the fact that the coffin is airtight, and therefore our Listener is not going to be able to breathe?

 **BABS:** nah

 **BABS:** well maybe

 **Sands_of_the_Alik’r:** Anyway, I think this might be it for me.

 **Sands_of_the_Alik’r:** Kill lots of Penitus Oculatus for me, Babette.

 **BABS:** WHAT NO

 **< Sands_of_the_Alik’r>** logged off

 **BABS:** YOU KNOW WHAT

 **BABS:** NO MORE HARMLESS HOSTAGE KID FOR YOU

 **< BABS>** logged off

* * *

**_New Chatroom 217659_ **

**< TheLegend27>** created a new chatroom

**Chatroom renamed to [Stayin’ Alive (FUCK YOU MARO)]**

**< TheLegend27>** added **< Sands_of_the_Alik’r>**

 **< TheLegend27>** added **< BABS>**

 **< Sands_of_the_Alik’r>** logged on

 **< BABS>** logged on

 **TheLegend27:** so that was a hot mess

 **Sands_of_the_Alik’r:** That’s really not funny.

 **TheLegend27:** i know im sorry

 **TheLegend27:** but anyway heres my spectral assassin friend

 **< TheLegend27>** added **< death_comes>**

 **< death_comes>** logged in

 **death_comes:** We are not friends.

 **BABS:** lol I like him already

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TheLegend27** = Dragonborn
> 
>  **the.astrid** = Astrid
> 
>  **wolfy** = Arnbjorn
> 
>  **BABS** = Babette
> 
>  **Sands_of_the_Alik'r** = Nazir
> 
>  **mother-of-night** = Night Mother
> 
>  **death_comes** = Spectral Assassin (Lucien Lachance)


	28. Class of '201

**_Class of ‘201_ **

**< TheLegend27>** logged in

 **TheLegend27:** hey shit doesnt happen to be going down here by any chance right

 **meow:** lol nah

 **meow:** y do u ask

 **TheLegend27:** so i do a lot of shit right

 **TheLegend27:** shit is going down everywhere right now

 **TheLegend27:** a bunch of my friends got murdered

 **meow:** but jzargo thought he was ur friend :(

 **TheLegend27:** a bunch of other friends not you

 **TheLegend27:** i nearly got murdered by some bastard who thought he could just leave me to die

 **TheLegend27:** he almost succeeded but thats irrelevant

 **TheLegend27:** and im meeting someone else to avenge this old guy who i kind of looked up to and shit

 **meow:** well urag is still waiting for u

 **TheLegend27:** to do what

 **meow:** to get his books

 **TheLegend27:** shit i completely forgot about that ill go do that eventually

 **TheLegend27:** whats brelyna and onmund doing

 **meow:** probs each other

 **TheLegend27:** wait what

 **TheLegend27:** what the fuck i wasnt gone that long

 **meow:** kidding they r helping enthir with something

* * *

_**Questionable Business** _

**< Questionable> **added  **< The_Only_Nord>**

 **< Questionable>** added  **< ConjurationYes>**

 **Questionable:** so you both know why youre here

 **The_Only_Nord:** yeah

 **ConjurationYes:** Unfortunately, yes

 **ConjurationYes:** Remind me why I agreed to this again

 **Questionable:** because ancano is a little bitch and because mirabelle said shed look the other way if he were to have an accident

 **The_Only_Nord:** we're going to get in so much trouble for this but it'll be so worth it

 **ConjurationYes:** ...fine, I'll distract him while the two of you set the runes

 **ConjurationYes:**  Onmund

 **The_Only_Nord:** yeah?

 **ConjurationYes:**  If this doesn't go well, you owe me all those Void Salts you were saving to pawn off at the store down in town

 **The_Only_Nord:** that's fair

 **Questionable:** ah young love so beautiful you two are making me sick lets get to it already

* * *

_**College Main Chat** _

**ARCANO:** WHO IN OBLIVION SET FROST RUNES ALL OVER MY ROOM

 **Mira-Bell:** Perhaps you did it in your sleep

 **ARCANO:** ...

 **< ARCANO>** logged off

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TheLegend27** = Dragonborn
> 
>  **meow** = J'zargo
> 
>  **Questionable** = Enthir
> 
>  **The_Only_Nord** = Onmund
> 
>  **ConjurationYes** = Brelyna Maryon
> 
>  **ARCANO** = Ancano
> 
>  **Mira-Bell** = Mirabelle Ervine


	29. So We're All Fucked

**_So We’re All Fucked_ **

**< TheLegend27>** logged on

 **redhead:** lass what the fuck, we thought you died

 **TheLegend27:** yeah so did i

 **dontvexme:** well considering who ur working with now it wouldve been better if u had

 **TheLegend27:** ok now thats cold

 **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** Well, let’s see

 **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** You and Mercer disappear, and you turn up again with Karliah

 **redhead:** I thought you were better than this, lass

 **TheLegend27:** ok fuck this

 **< TheLegend27>** logged off

* * *

**_New Chatroom 217991_ **

**< TheLegend27>** created a new chatroom

**Chatroom renamed to [Can You Guys Please Listen For Five Damn Seconds]**

**< TheLegend27>** added **< nighteyes>**

 **nighteyes:** are you sure this is going to work

 **TheLegend27:** well if it doesnt well be a lot less likely to get stabbed

 **nighteyes:** fair enough

 **nighteyes:** are you ready for this

 **TheLegend27:** i mean they all just called me a traitor so i think i know how you feel now

 **TheLegend27:** so hell yes lets clear our names

 **< nighteyes> ** was elevated to **[Moderator]**

 **< TheLegend27>** added **< redhead>**

 **< nighteyes>** added **< xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx>**

 **< TheLegend27>** added **< dontvexme>**

 **TheLegend27:** look i know things seem pretty damning but consider this

 **TheLegend27:** mercer tried to kill me

 **TheLegend27:** i wouldnt be alive if it wasnt for karliah

 **nighteyes:** and for the last damn time i did not kill gallus

 **nighteyes:** why would i

 **redhead:** why would Mercer, then?

 **nighteyes:** because he was stealing from the guild for years and gallus was looking into it before he died

 **nighteyes:** he likely still is doing so

 **dontvexme:** fk u both im not listening to this bs

 **< dontvexme>** left **[Can You Guys Please Listen For Five Damn Seconds]**

 **nighteyes:** shes charming

 **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** Look, I want to believe you, but believing you means believing that Mercer has been lying to us all for decades

 **nighteyes:** which he has been

 **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** Do you have any proof

 **TheLegend27:** actually yes but um

 **nighteyes:** i told you it was a better idea to meet them in person

 **TheLegend27:** that would be because youve never met vex in person

 **redhead:** true. she would stab you both on the spot. I’m still deciding on that myself.

 **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** As am I

 **nighteyes:** if you dont believe us then believe gallus

 **nighteyes:** well his journal

 **nighteyes:** journaltranslation.pdf

 **nighteyes:** theres the original thing the translation notes from enthir and the translated version

 **TheLegend27:** still trying to figure out why the fuck gallus thought it was a good idea to write his journal in falmer

 **redhead:** well if nothing else that does sound like something Gallus would have done.

 **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** True that. I’m going to go check something, I’ll be back

 **< xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx>** logged off

 **TheLegend27:** thats because it is for fucks sake

 **TheLegend27:** mercer frey is a traitorous son of a hagraven who deserves to rot in the depths of oblivion

 **nighteyes:** thats a new one

 **TheLegend27:** im pissed ok

 **TheLegend27:** like you guys thought i was dead and then wish i was when it turns out im not

 **TheLegend27:** thats fucked up

 **< xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx>** logged on

 **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** Brynjolf

 **redhead:** what

 **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** We fucked up

 **redhead:**  what

 **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** We fucked up bad

 **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** _@TheLegend27 @nighteyes_ For what it's worth, I’m sorry we didn’t believe you

 **nighteyes:** thanks delvin means a lot

 **redhead:**  ok but delvin what the fuck did you find

 **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** It’s more what I didn’t find

 **redhead:** lad you lost me.

 **nighteyes:** oh no

 **nighteyes:** please tell me mercer didnt

 **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** Mercer did

 **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** As if we weren’t fucked enough already, the vault is completely cleaned out. Not a septim left to spare

 **redhead:** well fuck

 **TheLegend27:** wait what the fuck we had a vault

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TheLegend27** = Dragonborn
> 
>  **redhead** = Brynjolf
> 
>  **dontvexme** = Vex
> 
>  **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx** = Delvin Mallory
> 
>  **nighteyes** = Karliah


	30. WHAT IN OBLIVOIN ARE WE GOING TO DO???

**_WHAT IN OBLIVOIN ARE WE GOING TO DO???_ **

**< TheLegend27>** logged on

 **TheLegend27:** oblivions spelled wrong

 **badass:** Wait WHAT

 **badass:** WHY DID NONE OF YOU MENTION THIS

**Chatroom renamed to _[WHAT IN OBLIVION ARE WE GOING TO DO???]_**

**The_Huntress:** because i wanted to see the look on your face when you realized you fucked up

 **The_Huntress:** that was glorious

 **TheLegend27:** lol

 **badass:** Okay sure but really WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE GOING TO DO

 **TheLegend27:** well i mean you could do ria i have like fifty septims on that

 **The_Huntress:** holy shit i think you broke him, i didn’t think anyone could break him

 **FARKLE:** me either

 **badass:** Just for the record, I hate you all

 **TheLegend27:** the feelings mutual

 **FARKLE:** you dont mean that

 **FARKLE:** um

 **FARKLE:** ok then

 **FARKLE:** :(

 **The_Huntress:** we’re getting off-topic again. what are we doing now? we need a new harbinger, and kodlak…

 **badass:** Even if you and Skjor didn’t want a cure, Kodlak did. And he didn’t get it

 **TheLegend27:** neither do i actually i kinda like being able to tear my foes to pieces

 **The_Huntress:** now THIS is what i’m talking about!

 **badass:** We’re here to pay our respects to Kodlak dammit

 **TheLegend27:** ok but really there has to be some way to make sure he gets to sovngarde right

 **TheLegend27:** theres always a way

 **The_Huntress:** i hate to break it to you but real life doesn’t work like that

 **badass:** Well… actually, there was something Kodlak was looking into

 **badass:** You all know the legends of the Tomb of Ysgramor

 **FARKLE:** yep

 **The_Huntress:** right… well we’d have to actually get in there, and we don’t have wuuthrad to do that

 **TheLegend27:** hold on youve been collecting shards of that wuuthrad thing to go graverobbing

 **badass:** OF COURSE THE FUCK NOT

 **TheLegend27:** to quote kodlak

 **TheLegend27:** language

 **< skyforge-smith>** logged in

 **The_Huntress:** EORLUND???

 **skyforge-smith:** yep that’s me

 **skyforge-smith:** and yep i’ve been a part of this chatroom for… a while

 **skyforge-smith:** thought you all might like to know that i fixed wuuthrad

 **badass:** HOLY SON OF A SKEEVER’S WIFE

 **TheLegend27:** well thats one of the more creative curses ive heard in a while

 **TheLegend27:** but quick question

 **TheLegend27:** wuuthrads an axe right

 **skyforge-smith:** battleaxe, yes. what else would it be?

 **TheLegend27:** well torvar seemed to think it was a sex toy so i wasnt sure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TheLegend27** = Dragonborn
> 
>  **badass** = Vilkas
> 
>  **The_Huntress** = Aela the Huntress
> 
>  **FARKLE** = Farkas
> 
>  **skyforge-smith** = Eorlund Gray-Mane


	31. Stayin' Alive (FUCK YOU MARO)

**_Stayin’ Alive (FUCK YOU MARO)_ **

**< TheLegend27> ** logged on

**Chatroom renamed to** **_[Ding Dong, The Emperor’s Dead]_ **

**TheLegend27:** _@all_ its done and i have a very important question

**death_comes:** You do realize the answer’s most likely no?

**TheLegend27:** you think thatll stop me

**death_comes:** No, not really.

**< Sands_of_the_Alik’r>** logged on

**Sands_of_the_Alik’r:** Good job. What’s the question?

**TheLegend27:** are we allowed to kill people who took contracts after the contracts done

**Sands_of_the_Alik’r:** I’d… really rather you didn’t.

**TheLegend27:** awww please the guys an asshole

**Sands_of_the_Alik’r:** However, there is no rule against it.

**< BABS>** logged on

**BABS:** what does mom say?

**Sands_of_the_Alik’r:** *Night Mother

**< mother-of-night>** logged on

**mother-of-night:** mmo is fine ;)

**mother-of-night:** fuck *mom

**TheLegend27:** she says mom is fine

**BABS:** FUCK YES LOVE YOU MOM

**mother-of-night:** <3 you know, I might have selected babette as listener. she was my third choice.

**TheLegend27:** wait third

**BABS:** ???

**TheLegend27:** talking to mom

**mother-of-night:** yes. the one you called gabriella was my second choice.

**TheLegend27:** oh rip

**TheLegend27:** anyway mom can i murder armaund motierre

**mother-of-night:** well, you could… or you could also expose his involvement with us. i know you’re more than just an assassin.

**TheLegend27:** holy shit mom youre brilliant

**TheLegend27:** aight ill be back guys ive got a payment to get and an asshole to frame

**< TheLegend27>** logged out

**BABS:** are you as confused as I am?

**Sands_of_the_Alik’r:** Yes.

**death_comes:** If you think this is bad, be glad you aren't cleaning up her messes.  


**Sands_of_the_Alik'r:** ...true. She's a handful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TheLegend27** = Dragonborn
> 
>  **death_comes** = Spectral Assassin (Lucien Lachance)
> 
>  **Sands_of_the_Alik'r** = Nazir
> 
>  **BABS** = Babette
> 
>  **mother-of-night** = Night Mother


	32. College Main Chat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do yourself a favor and pretend the video is an audio clip. Just keep it running on another tab or something... or if you're reading on mobile, listen to it and then go back to reading. Also don't question how the Dragonborn got an audio recording of Brynjolf talking. Also, on a slightly-unrelated note, I am really proud of this chapter. You'll see why.

**_College Main Chat_ **

**< TheLegend27>** logged on

 **TheLegend27:** hey _@The_Librarian_ i got the boobs

 **< The_Librarian>** logged on

 **The_Librarian:** I didn’t need boobs but thanks? What about my books.

 **TheLegend27:** fuck i meant books

 **Questionable:** the b key is nowhere near the k key u know ;)

 **TheLegend27:** theyre only a couple of keys apart and consider this

 **Questionable:** ur gay

 **TheLegend27:** autocorrect

 **TheLegend27:** im pan actually

 **Questionable:** so were all coming out now

 **TheLegend27:** literally just me but sure

 **Questionable:** boys

 **Questionable:** i have a type and its bad boys

 **TheLegend27:** seems legit

 **TheLegend27:** wait

 **Questionable:** what

 **TheLegend27:** holy fucking shit imma go tell karliah

 **Questionable:** what

 **TheLegend27:** only you would become friends with someone who broke into your lab

 **TheLegend27:** or was it something more it was definitely something more haha

 **TheLegend27:** i cant believe you had a crush on him lmao

 **Questionable:** u cant prove anything

 **TheLegend27:** no but i can make you feel very uncomfortable

 **< ARCANO>** logged on

 **ARCANO:** Yes. YES. KARMA.

 **TheLegend27:** on second thought ill pass ancanos more fun to fuck with

 **TheLegend27:** _@all_ the rumor come out does ancano is gay

 **ARCANO:** ...what.

 **Questionable:** hes gay for my hot bosmer dick ;)

 **ARCANO:** No. No, I am NOT dealing with this again.

 **< ARCANO>** logged off

 **< Mira-Bell>** logged on

 **Mira-Bell:** I don’t think so, or at least not exclusively so. Sometimes, I can’t tell if he’s hitting on me or insulting me, but he clearly thinks something is there. I’ll put it out there now that if he tries anything, he’s taking a Firebolt to the face.

 **TheLegend27:** youre an inspiration to us all

 **Questionable:** truly

 **Mira-Bell:** I would say thanks, but considering that there’s rumors you both are involved with the Thieves Guild…

 **Questionable:** oh theyre just rumors

 **Questionable:** i must be getting better

 **TheLegend27:** is it against the rules

 **Mira-Bell:** Technically, no, but stealing from the College is.

 **TheLegend27:** then im in the thieves guild

 **Mira-Bell:** You know, you’re really not supposed to tell people that…

 **TheLegend27:** can you blame me when theres people like this in it

 **TheLegend27:** [lookatthisguyandtellmeheisntsexyasfuck.jpg](http://images.uesp.net//thumb/d/de/SR-npc-Brynjolf.jpg/180px-SR-npc-Brynjolf.jpg)

 **Questionable:** oooo now whos got a crush

 **TheLegend27:** ok but have you talked to brynjolf ever in your life

 **Questionable:** understandable carry on

 **Mira-Bell:** While I will admit he’s quite attractive for a Nord, I have… other preferences.

 **TheLegend27:** we all know youre fucking the archmage

 **Mira-Bell:** Damn it.

 **Questionable:** lol ur not even trying to deny it

 **Mira-Bell:** I’d like to think we’re more subtle than we are. We aren’t.

 **TheLegend27:** wait holy shit mirabelle you cursed

 **Mira-Bell:** I did?

 **TheLegend27:** you typed out damn yes you cursed im so proud

 **Mira-Bell:** The two of you are a bad influence.

 **TheLegend27:** i mean

 **Questionable:** ye

 **TheLegend27:** definitely

 **TheLegend27:** we need jzargo in here lets make the power trio complete

 **TheLegend27:** _@meow_

 **< meow>** logged on

 **meow:** what are we doing

 **TheLegend27:** being a bad influence on mirabelle

 **Questionable:** yep

 **meow:** lit

 **TheLegend27:** where is everybody anyway

 **Mira-Bell:** Making observations on the Eye of Magnus, and by that I mean staring at it. For… some reason. I can’t say I share the fascination with it.

 **meow:** well brelyna and onmund are helping arniel with something to try and make up for the knickers incident

 **Mira-Bell:** We are not calling it the Knickers Incident.

 **TheLegend27:** lol what you cant have a name like that and not explain

 **Mira-Bell:** Yes. We can.

 **meow:** j’zargo will just tell you when she logs off :3

 **Mira-Bell:** You know what? Fine. I don’t know why I haven’t logged off yet.

 **Questionable:** lol why havent you then

 **Mira-Bell:** Because someone has to keep an eye on you and it might as well be me.

 **TheLegend27:** thats fair

 **TheLegend27:** in the meantime have a clip of my friend brynjolfs sexy sexy voice

 **TheLegend27:** [justlistentohim.mp3](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xmRmYxHeyQY)

 **meow:** j’zargo thinks he is sexy for someone who is not j’zargo

 **Mira-Bell:** ...I need a moment.

 **< Mira-Bell>** logged off

 **Questionable:** and it was then that mirabelle ervine discovered she had a thing for redheaded thieves

 **TheLegend27:** brilliant

 **meow:** ok so j’zargo loves you guys but j’zargo also thinks it might be a good idea to make a private chat between the three of us

 **meow:** j’zargo would love to hear more about this brynjolf ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **TheLegend27:** lol ok ill make the group but then i have to go find urag and give him his boobs back

 **meow:** lol what

 **TheLegend27:** i meant books fuck i hate autocorrect

 **Questionable:** wait hasnt urag been here the whole time

 **The_Librarian:** Yes. :) It has been quite entertaining.

 **TheLegend27:** what do you think of my hot friend

 **The_Librarian:** I think that if I saw him on the campus, I would immediately sic angry atronachs on him because he looks and sounds like a thief.

 **TheLegend27:** but im a thief

 **Questionable:** not a smart thing to say my friend

 **meow:** rip

 **The_Librarian:** I’m sorry, what was that? I didn’t quite catch it.

 **TheLegend27:** were literally on chat how did you not catch it

 **The_Librarian:** …

 **TheLegend27:** yeah ok thats fair ill make sure he stays off college campus

 **The_Librarian:** Now bring me my books.

 **TheLegend27:** yes sir

 **< TheLegend27>** logged off

* * *

**_New Chatroom 219071_ **

**< TheLegend27>** created a new chatroom

 **TheLegend27:** ive been doing this a lot lately tbh oh well

 **Chatroom renamed to** **_[The Squad]_ **

**< TheLegend27>** added **< meow>**

 **< TheLegend27>** added **< Questionable>**

 **< Questionable>** logged on

 **Questionable:** wait lets fix that

 **Chatroom renamed to** **_[The Questionable Squad]_ **

**< meow>** logged on

 **TheLegend27:** tbh youre not wrong

 **TheLegend27:** after all im here

 **meow:** j’zargo thinks you cannot possibly be that questionable

 **TheLegend27:** thats where youre wrong my furry feline friend

 **Questionable:** shes in the thieves guild

 **TheLegend27:** im in the thieves guild

 **meow:** lit can j’zargo join

 **TheLegend27:** i mean were having issues rn my friends brynjolf and karliah are still trying to figure out where the fuck the last guildmaster fucked off to with all our shit

 **TheLegend27:** so maybe not right now

 **Questionable:** well if karliah is back with the guild im guessing things went well

 **TheLegend27:** yeee

 **meow:** j’zargo thinks you should add the sexy nord

 **TheLegend27:** nah hes not questionable enough

 **TheLegend27:** maybe delvin

 **Questionable:** do it

 **TheLegend27:** maybe later imma go spy on ancano

 **< TheLegend27>** logged off

 **meow:** literally why

 **Questionable:** idk but sometimes shes more questionable than me

 **Questionable:** im like ninety five percent sure shes with the dark brotherhood

 **< TheLegend27>** logged on

 **TheLegend27:** yep

 **< TheLegend27>** logged off

 ****meow:**** lit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TheLegend27** = Dragonborn
> 
>  **The_Librarian** = Urag gro-Shub
> 
>  **Questionable** = Enthir
> 
>  **ARCANO** = Ancano
> 
>  **Mira-Bell** = Mirabelle Ervine
> 
>  **meow** = J'zargo


	33. Nightingales of Nocturnal

**_Nightingales of Nocturnal_ **

**< nighteyes>** logged on

**< nighteyes>** removed  **< MercerTheFrey>**

**< nighteyes>** added  **< redhead>**

**< redhead>** logged on

**< nighteyes>** added  **< TheLegend27>**

**redhead:** what’s this, lass?

**nighteyes:** the old nightingale group chat

**nighteyes:** i removed mercer

**nighteyes:** and i dont think gallus is going to be logging on anytime soon

**< TheLegend27>** logged on

**TheLegend27:** karliah why are you crying

**nighteyes:** um

**nighteyes:** im not

**nighteyes:** how do you know that anyway youre not even in riften

**TheLegend27:** intuition of a friend

**TheLegend27:** do you need a hug

**nighteyes:** thanks but im fine

**redhead:** lass, are you sure about that

**nighteyes:** honestly no but i can waste time not being fine once were actually on the road

**nighteyes:** ive finally figured out where mercer is

**TheLegend27:** please tell me hes not in riften im in winterhold rn

**nighteyes:** hes not in riften

**redhead:** ok but lass, why in Oblivion are you in Winterhold

**TheLegend27:** because im a student at the college and i was making fun of the thalmor agent stationed there

**TheLegend27:** half the college thinks you have a hot voice now btw

**redhead:** what

**nighteyes:** i mean theyre not wrong but why do you have a recording of brynjolfs voice

**TheLegend27:** because its hot

**redhead:** fuck that was why you wanted me to post a recording of my voice?

**TheLegend27:** yep you have a hot sexy voice

**TheLegend27:** well i mean you both do i could listen to either of you talk all day

**nighteyes:** what

**TheLegend27:** well bryns is more sexy and smooth

**TheLegend27:** yours is just gorgeous

**TheLegend27:** has nobody ever told you that

**nighteyes:** not since gallus died no

**TheLegend27:** oh

**TheLegend27:** shit im sorry

**nighteyes:** its fine really

**TheLegend27:** but yeah you have a really nice voice

**TheLegend27:** so do you bryn

**TheLegend27:** and i dont have a nice voice but i can shout shit with my voice

**redhead:** wait what

**redhead:** WHAT THE FUCK YOU’RE THE DRAGONBORN

**TheLegend27:** um yeah i keep forgetting to mention that dont i

**nighteyes:** im a little lost

**TheLegend27:** im always lost so its cool

**TheLegend27:** but yeah bryn would you like a demonstration

**TheLegend27:** fus ro dah mofos

**redhead:** lass, I don’t hear anything...

**nighteyes:** neither do i

**TheLegend27:** ill give you guys a demonstration when we catch up to mercer

**TheLegend27:** karliah you said you knew where he was

**nighteyes:** ye sorry

**TheLegend27:** its fine

**nighteyes:** hes going after the eyes of the falmer in some dwemer ruin that i definitely cant spell

**TheLegend27:** so not blackreach then

**nighteyes:** nope its something with an i

**redhead:** Irkingthand?

**nighteyes:** close enough

**redhead:** well, I know where that is

**TheLegend27:** me too

**TheLegend27:** its closer to me than you guys so ill head in and scout out the place

**redhead:** I’ll get on the road then

**redhead:** Karliah, I’ll meet you by the stables in a few

**< redhead>** logged off

**TheLegend27:** karliah are you absolutely sure youre fine

**nighteyes:** i will be once mercer is dead

**TheLegend27:** thats fair

**TheLegend27:** but youre definitely getting a hug once you get there

**< TheLegend27>** logged off

**nighteyes:** i

**nighteyes:** ...

**nighteyes:** thank you

**< nighteyes>** logged off

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **nighteyes** = Karliah
> 
>  **MercerTheFrey** = Mercer Frey
> 
>  **redhead** = Brynjolf
> 
>  **TheLegend27** = Dragonborn


	34. ONWARDS!

**_ONWARDS!_ **

**< FARKLE>** logged on

 **badass:** You aren’t texting while fighting, are you

 **FARKLE:** no

 **FARKLE:** im coming back

 **badass:** What why

 **FARKLE:** keep you company

 **badass:** Wait, really

 **badass:** Hold on I need a moment

 **FARKLE:** also spiders

 **badass:** …

 **FARKLE:** what spiders are terrifying

 **badass:** Well they are

 **badass:** But here I was thinking my favorite brother was coming to keep me company out of the goodness of his heart

 **FARKLE:** im your only brother vilkas

 **badass:** I know

 **badass:** So are the others dead yet

 **FARKLE:** dont think so

 **FARKLE:** pretty sure i just heard a fus ro dah so thats a no

 **badass:** Farkas, brother of mine, I heard that from here

 **FARKLE:** true shouts are loud

 **badass:** I mean… they’re called Shouts for a reason

 **< The_Huntress>** logged on

 **The_Huntress:** KODLAK’S GONE TO SOVNGARDE AND WE HAVE A NEW HARBINGER

 **badass:** Is it me

 **FARKLE:** no

 **badass:** Brother you wound me

 **The_Huntress:** it’s not vilkas

 **The_Huntress:** it’s this girl! _@TheLegend27_

 **< TheLegend27>** logged on

 **TheLegend27:** what happened to staying behind and meditating on ysgramors tomb

 **The_Huntress:** oh i still am doing that

 **TheLegend27:** also vilkas when did you become such a drama queen

 **FARKLE:** i dont know what that is but it sounds like my brother

 **badass:** And I’m dead. Killed by my own brother

 **badass:** Someone burn a witch head for me I want to go to Sovngarde

 **< badass>** logged off

 **TheLegend27:** ok but when the fuck did vilkas become such a drama queen

 **FARKLE:** honestly hes always been one

 **The_Huntress:** i think he got it from kodlak

 **TheLegend27:** ok you guys are blowing my mind right now so im just going to

 **TheLegend27:** ok so i might have some business in dawnstar do you all mind if i head there

 **The_Huntress:** vilkas might but he’s not here so sure

 **TheLegend27:** sweet bye

 **< TheLegend27>** logged off

 **< TheLegend27>** logged on

 **TheLegend27:** one last thing

 **Chatroom renamed to** **_[Vilkas the Drama Queen]_ **

**TheLegend27:** much better

 **< TheLegend27>** logged off

* * *

_**Vilkas the Drama** **Queen**_

**< badass>** logged on

 **badass:**  Oh come on

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Vilkas might be exceptionally rude in canon but I accidentally came across the idea of Drama Queen Vilkas and I'm never letting go of that one. (I mean, this is basically crack anyway, so...)


	35. Ding Dong, The Emperor's Dead

**_Ding Dong, The Emperor’s Dead_ **

**< TheLegend27>** logged on

 **TheLegend27:** _@all_ its done and ive never felt more vindicated in my entire life

 **Sands_of_the_Alik’r:** So what exactly did you do? It’s been days.

 **TheLegend27:** ok listen up im the harbinger of the companions

 **TheLegend27:**  a nightingale of nocturnal

 **TheLegend27:**  a member of the thieves guild

 **TheLegend27:**  and a student at the college of winterhold

 **TheLegend27:** literally everything went to shit at once everywhere so cut me some fucking slack

 **Sands_of_the_Alik’r:** …

 **< Sands_of_the_Alik’r>** logged off

 **BABS:** I think you broke him!

 **TheLegend27:** whoops

 **< Sands_of_the_Alik’r>** logged on

 **Sands_of_the_Alik’r:** You didn’t.

 **BABS:** aww

 **Sands_of_the_Alik’r:** Babette, why.

 **BABS:** hey I want to hear how our Listener wound up in so much shit

 **TheLegend27:** oh yeah and im the dragonborn

 **TheLegend27:** i think that covers everything

 **< death_comes>** logged on

 **death_comes:** How hypocritical of you, Nazir.

 **Sands_of_the_Alik’r:** WHAT THE

 **death_comes:** He just looked at his phone and swore out loud.

 **death_comes:** To quote: “By Sithis’ hairy nipples.”

 **Sands_of_the_Alik’r:** Okay that’s not a curse in the sense you’re thinking of and also you’re dead.

 **death_comes:** Indeed I am, and as a matter of fact I can confirm that Sithis does not, in fact, have hairy nipples.

 **death_comes:** They’re actually quite smooth.

 **Sands_of_the_Alik’r:** I did not need to know that.

 **BABS:** ...I’m gonna go do the contract in Morrowind now

 **TheLegend27:** why morrowind

 **BABS:** it’s as far as I can get away from here

 **TheLegend27:** i would say take me with you but im pretty sure im needed elsweyr

 **BABS:** hey if you go to Elsweyr do the contract we have there

 **TheLegend27:** not that elsweyr i meant

 **TheLegend27:** ugh nevermind

 **TheLegend27:** ill be in winterhold if anyone needs me

 **< TheLegend27>** logged off

 **< TheLegend27>** logged on

 **TheLegend27:** hey wait one last thing

 **BABS:** what?

 **TheLegend27:**   _@stabbystab_ hey do you want to stab someone for me

 **stabbystab:** anything for the listener! {:^)

 **TheLegend27:** ok i need you to go to the college of winterhold and stab the thalmor agent named ancano asap

 **stabbystab:** ok!!!!

 **< stabbystab>** logged off

 **BABS:** are you sure this is a good idea

 **Sands_of_the_Alik'r:** Cicero unsupervised or sending him to the College of Winterhold?

 **TheLegend27:** yes

 **< stabbystab>** logged on

 **stabbystab:** they wont let poor cicero in {:^(

 **TheLegend27:** damn

 **TheLegend27:** wait how the fuck did you get there already

 **stabbystab:** cicero borrowed your horse {:^)

 **< Shadowmere>** logged on

 **Shadowmere:** NEIGH.

 **death_comes:**  It's good to see you too, Shadowmere.

 **TheLegend27:** wait

 **TheLegend27:** who the fuck added the horse

 **Shadowmere:** NEIGH.

 **TheLegend27:** not that im complaining but 

 **death_comes:** She says she added herself.

 **TheLegend27:** ok follow up question

 **TheLegend27:** when did you learn to speak horse

 **death_comes:** Sometime after I was brutally murdered for the crimes of another and joined the Dread Father in the Void, why?

 **TheLegend27:** ok this is the first ive heard of how you got killed i want the details

 **death_comes:** No, you don't.

 **BABS:** you definitely don't we heard what happened even in Skyrim

 **BABS:** it was bad even for us

 **death_comes:** "Bad" is putting it lightly.

 **Sands_of_the_Alik'r:** Honestly, I'm surprised you didn't hear about what happened in Cheydinhal.

 **Sands_of_the_Alik'r:**  What happened there... it's one of the reasons we're a lot more selective with members these days.

 **TheLegend27:** ok but what happened there im curious

 **death_comes:** If any of you wish to explain, do so. Summon me if you need me.

 **< death_comes>** logged off

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TheLegend27** = Dragonborn
> 
>  **Sands_of_the_Alik'r** = Nazir
> 
>  **BABS** = Babette
> 
>  **death_comes** = Spectral Assassin (Lucien Lachance)
> 
>  **stabbystab** = Cicero
> 
>  **Shadowmere** = Shadowmere


	36. ANCANO IS A CRAZED BALLSACK OF FERMENTING MOON SUGAR

**_ANCANO IS A CRAZED BALLSACK OF FERMENTING MOON SUGAR_ **

**< TheLegend27>** logged on

 **TheLegend27:** idk who renamed the chat but i agree wholeheartedly

 **meow:** yee

 **Questionable:** but seriously shit is going down

 **Questionable:** i repeat shit is going down

 **TheLegend27:** of course it is

 **TheLegend27:** let me guess its going to end in anyone remotely qualified for the position of arch mage dying and ill somehow get the job because nobody else wants it

 **Questionable:** that was oddly specific are you ok

 **TheLegend27:** define ok

 **Questionable:** i have no idea

 **meow:** oh hang on someones talking in the main chat

 **< meow>** logged off

 **< Questionable>** logged off

 **TheLegend27:** i mean ok

 **TheLegend27:** wait

 **< TheLegend27>** logged off

* * *

**_Private Conversation Between <Mira-Bell> and <TheLegend27>_ **

**Mira-Bell:** Are you back in the College yet

 **TheLegend27:** running through winterhold as we sp

 **< TheLegend27> **logged off

 **Mira-Bell:** Are you kidding me right now

 **< TheLegend27>** logged on

 **TheLegend27:** sorry tripped whats new

 **Mira-Bell:** Get to the Hall of Elements. Now

 **Mira-Bell:** We have a situation

 **TheLegend27:** im gonna take a wild guess its involving ancano

 **Mira-Bell:** Unfortunately, you’re absolutely correct

 **Mira-Bell:** Did you at least find the Synod

 **TheLegend27:** most of them were dead but yeee

 **TheLegend27:** i think i know where the staff of magnus is

 **Mira-Bell:** Where

 **TheLegend27:** somewhere called labyrinthian

 **< TheLegend27>** logged off

* * *

**_ANCANO IS A CRAZED BALLSACK OF FERMENTING MOON SUGAR_ **

**< TheLegend27>** logged on

 **TheLegend27:** yall should come with me to find the staff of magnus

 **meow:** sure jzargo will come lets go where are we going

 **TheLegend27:** labyrinthian

 **Questionable:** haha no unlike you two i have a sense of self preservation

 **Questionable:** have fun try not to die ill try and keep people from stupidly sacrificing themselves to buy more time

 **TheLegend27:** please do i can think of several people who would do that off the top of my head

 **Questionable:** good luck

 **< Questionable>** logged off

 **TheLegend27:** so jzargo where are you ill come find you and then we need to book it

 **meow:** hall of attainment grabbing some things and then lets gooo

 **TheLegend27:** sounds good

 **< TheLegend27>** logged off

 **< meow>** logged off

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TheLegend27** = Dragonborn
> 
>  **meow** = J'zargo
> 
>  **Questionable** = Enthir
> 
>  **Mira-Bell** = Mirabelle Ervine


	37. Nightingales of Nocturnal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I think we've finally descended into crack... if we hadn't already. You'll see why. (But seriously, if it wasn't crack already it is now. It definitely is now.) Also, this kind of feels like the last Thieves Guild chapter... you'll see what I've got planned once I've finished up all the faction questlines. :) You shall see. And it shall be glorious... hopefully.

**_Nightingales of Nocturnal_ **

**< TheLegend27>** logged on

 **Chatroom renamed to** **_[THE KEY IS RETURNED AND MERCER CAN GO FUCK HIMSELF]_ **

**TheLegend27:** _@all_ get in here plz i have a long ride back home and my horse isnt very good company

 **< nighteyes>** logged on

 **< redhead>** logged on

 **redhead:** sorry lass, I’ve got important things to do. we’ll speak another time

 **TheLegend27:** what

 **redhead:** what

 **< redhead>** logged off

 **TheLegend27:** that was the most confusing exchange of my life and im in a group chat with a jester an underage vampire a murdery ghost and another assassin

 **TheLegend27:** also my horse

 **nighteyes:** um

 **TheLegend27:** yes my horse is in a group chat her names shadowmere and she has glowing red eyes

 **nighteyes:** be honest with me here

 **TheLegend27:** ok

 **nighteyes:** what are you on

 **TheLegend27:** actually nothing right now

 **TheLegend27:** i might have been on skooma when we were fighting mercer but thats irrelevant

 **nighteyes:** maybe but it explains a lot

 **TheLegend27:** anyway are you doing ok

 **nighteyes:** i think so

 **nighteyes:** why

 **TheLegend27:** i think id be pretty messed up after running into the ghost of my significant other so

 **nighteyes:** oh

 **nighteyes:** yes im fine but thanks for asking

 **TheLegend27:** aight

 **TheLegend27:** brb my horse is being stubborn and were both hungry

 **< TheLegend27>** logged off

 **nighteyes:** honestly thats the most normal sentence youve said all day

 **nighteyes:** well maybe not the most normal but

 **nighteyes:** never mind

 **< ProfessionalThief> **logged on

 **nighteyes:**!!!

 **ProfessionalThief:** By the Shadows, it worked!

 **ProfessionalThief:** Karliah, is that you?

 **nighteyes:** um

 **nighteyes:** yes

 **< TheLegend27>** logged on

 **TheLegend27:** horse is fed and less likely to trample me to death in my sleep now

 **TheLegend27:** wait whos this douchebag

 **ProfessionalThief:** Clearly, I’m Mercer.

 **ProfessionalThief:** Apparently, there's reception in Evergloam.

 **TheLegend27:** what the fuck karliah said she removed you

 **nighteyes:** um about that

 **TheLegend27:** you didnt remove mercer

 **TheLegend27:** i thought we were friends

 **nighteyes:** no not that

 **TheLegend27:** true you cant change your username

 **nighteyes:** do you remember when i said gallus obviously wouldnt be logging in

 **TheLegend27:** ye

 **TheLegend27:** why

 **ProfessionalThief:** ...

 **TheLegend27:** wait

 **TheLegend27:** what

 **TheLegend27:** what the fuck

 **TheLegend27:** you know what imma take my chances with the demon horse

 **< TheLegend27>** logged off

 **ProfessionalThief:** I like her.

* * *

_**WE PUT THE SASS IN ASSASSINATION (AND ALSO THE ASS)** _

**< TheLegend27>** logged on

 **TheLegend27:** anything new

 **Shadowmere:** NEIGH.

 **death_comes:** That's a no.

 **TheLegend27:** ok but seriously how can you understand shadowmere

 **death_comes:** It's... complicated.

 **Shadowmere:** NEIGH.

 **death_comes:** Agreed.

 **TheLegend27:** teach me teach me

 **Shadowmere:** NEIGH.

 **death_comes:** Well, unless you want to be sent to the Void prematurely... and that can be arranged...

 **TheLegend27:** tbh ive sold my soul to so many things at this point idk where ill be going when i die so not today sithis

 **death_comes:** Good choice. Dying is... painful.

 **Shadowmere:** NEIGH.

 **death_comes:** Fuck off, you couldn't die if you tried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TheLegend27** = Dragonborn
> 
>  **nighteyes** = Karliah
> 
>  **redhead** = Brynjolf
> 
>  **ProfessionalThief** = Gallus Desidenius
> 
>  **Shadowmere** = Shadowmere
> 
>  **death_comes** = Spectral Assassin (Lucien Lachance)


	38. Embrace the Void

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I know, you're all going to freak out and be like "WHERE'S THE COMPANIONS CHAPTER???" Just chill, and listen up. I feel like the Companions storyline is pretty much done. The Thieves Guild one... possibly. I might do another chapter where TheLegend27 becomes the Guildmaster. I might not. The Dark Brotherhood questline's pretty much done, so this'll be the last exclusively Dark Brotherhood chapter. I'll finish up the College questline, and then...
> 
> Then, we'll get to all the special requests. I need to actually finish playing through the Dawnguard questline, and it's probably about time our Dragonborn actually got her butt up to High Hrothgar... because she hasn't. She heard the call, was like "ok cool" and proceeded to do everything but get her butt to High Hrothgar. She's killed a bunch of dragons, learned a bunch of Shouts through random dungeon-delving, but has she actually gotten to High Hrothgar? Nah.
> 
> Needless to say, things are about to get very interesting very soon...
> 
> (In other news: TES VI IS GOING TO BE A THING AND I AM HYPED! ~~Watch it be _Skyrim 2: Electric Boogaloo._~~ But in all seriousness, I'm hoping for Elsweyr. I want a game where a biological family can be a housecat, an anthropomorphic cat or two, a couple of furries, and a _literal flippin tiger._ )

**_Embrace the Void_ **

**< death_comes>** logged on

 **death_comes:** _@all_ By any chance do any of you want to be a spectral assassin for a few days? I need a break.

 **FutureVision:** I’ll do it, I miss everyone.

 **death_comes:** Wait, hang on.

 **death_comes:** That’s a thing you can do? You can be a spectral assassin while the people you knew in life are still alive?

 **FutureVision:** as far as I know, ye

 **death_comes:** Well, I missed a golden opportunity to rant at the surviving members of my Sanctuary for thinking I was the traitor for some odd reason…

 **death_comes:** Damn it.

 **FutureVision:** I mean, I might be wrong?

 **death_comes:** _@DreadFather_ Can Gabriella take my place for a bit? The current Listener is… honestly rather annoying.

 **death_comes:** _@DreadFather_ Are you there?

 **DreadFather:** I am always here.

 **death_comes:** ...oh.

 **DreadFather:** I see no reason why not, although Lucien, I must warn you that if you remain in the Void for any period of time, you may have a visitor.

 **death_comes:** What.

 **DreadFather:** An… old friend of yours, I believe.

 **death_comes:** I have literally no idea what you’re talking about.

 **DreadFather:** Oh, you will.

 **DreadFather:** ;)

 **death_comes:** ...I’m so confused right now. All my friends are dead, this has been established. Most of them are here.

 **DreadFather:** Depends on your definition of death… but you shall see. Do remind our mutual friend that the Void is still waiting for her. :)

 **death_comes:** Sure. Alright. I still don’t know who you mean…

 **DreadFather:** You will. In any case, Gabriella.

 **FutureVision:** ye?

 **DreadFather:** Do you wish to temporarily take Lucien’s place as the Spectral Assassin of the Dawnstar Sanctuary?

 **FutureVision:** ye sure

 **DreadFather:** It is done. Let me or Lucien know when you’re ready to switch back.

 **FutureVision:** got it!

 **FutureVision:** wait hold on what is this

 **< FutureVision>** logged off

 **death_comes:** That would be the Listener summoning you, although she probably won't notice the difference for a bit. She's a little oblivious.

 **DreadFather:** Now, down to business.

 **DreadFather:** Good luck.

 **death_comes:** Wait, with what?

 **< death_comes>** logged off

* * *

**_Private Conversation between <MAD_CHEESE> and <death_comes>_ **

**< death_comes>** logged on

 **MAD_CHEESE:** AAAAAAAAAA LUCI IT’S BEEN TOO LONG

 **death_comes:** Who the fuck is this is this.

 **MAD_CHEESE:** LUCIENNNN ITS ME

 **death_comes:** The above question still stands.

 **MAD_CHEESE:** the last one you recruited before That Bastard Matheiu Bellamont happened

 **MAD_CHEESE:** the one who you tried to recruit in the middle of the night and nearly didn't because I was lying butt-naked on top of the sheets

 **death_comes:** !!!

 **MAD_CHEESE:** yeah it’s me! GOOD TO SEE YOU LUCI!

 **death_comes:** 1) Just because we’re friends doesn’t mean you or anyone gets to call me Luci.

 **MAD_CHEESE:** awww fiiiiiiine

 **death_comes:** 2) How the fuck did you change your username, and why cheese.

 **MAD_CHEESE:** short version, I mantled SHEOGORATH! inherited the account, lol, jyggalag had to make a new one. or maybe he died im not sure. so call me momma sheo now idk. or daddy sheo that whole gender thing is complicated and idk anymore~!

 **death_comes:** I am NOT calling you Daddy Sheo.

 **MAD_CHEESE:** momma sheo then?

 **death_comes:** NO!

 **MAD_CHEESE:** awww~

 **death_comes:** Still no, and here I was thinking you were crazy before you mantled the Madgod...

* * *

**_Fuck the World_ **

**< FutureVision>** logged on

 **FutureVision:** I don’t know who named the chat but I applaud you whoever you are

 **BABS:** GABRIELLA???

 **FutureVision:** oh yeah I’m filling in for Lucien, he needed a break.

 **FutureVision:** how’s life?

 **BABS:** Gabriella

 **BABS:** Gabriella I am an undead vampire child I haven’t been alive for a long time

 **FutureVision:** touche

 **FutureVision:** how's death?

 **BABS:** great, actually! you?

 **FutureVision:** void's pretty sweet, although I miss going on contracts. and you guys. so I'm back for a bit. might be able to convince Festus to take a turn at some point.

 **BABS:** YES I MISS THAT OLD FART

 **FutureVision:** I can tell him you said that if you want

 **BABS:** NO

 **< TheLegend27>** logged on

 **TheLegend27:** wtf why are dead people logging onto everything now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **death_comes** = Spectral Assassin (Lucien Lachance)
> 
>  **FutureVision** = Gabriella
> 
>  **DreadFather** = Sithis
> 
>  **MAD_CHEESE** = Sheogorath (Hero of Kvatch/Champion of Cyrodiil)
> 
>  **BABS** = Babette
> 
>  **TheLegend27** = Dragonborn


	39. THE SQUAD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I made myself cry. Hope y'all will at least laugh a little first.

**_THE SQUAD_ **

**< mmmmmagic>** logged on

 **Chatroom renamed to** **_[Mage Rage]_ **

**ilikemagic:** savos why

 **mmmmmagic:** You have to admit it’s better than the last one!

 **ilikemagic:** marginally

 **ilikemagic:** but fine ill leave it until were back from labyrinthian since it rhymes

 **mmmmmagic:** _@all_ Come ON guys!

 **< LightLizard>** logged on

 **LightLizard:** what’s going on

 **mmmmmagic:** Atmah and I are waiting for the rest of you to get here so we can actually go to Labyrinthian already.

 **LightLizard:** oh fuck that’s today

 **LightLizard:** fuck alright give me a minute

 **< LightLizard>** logged off

 **< IcyFists>** logged on

 **IcyFists:** someone should prob tell her what fuck actually means

 **mmmmmagic:** I mean, we should…

 **IcyFists:** but youre not going to

 **ilikemagic:** but were not going to

 **mmmmmagic:** What she said.

 **IcyFists:** remind me why i still hang out with you lot

 **ilikemagic:** bc you dont exactly have other options

 **mmmmmagic:** Because we’re your friends.

 **mmmmmagic:** Atmah…

 **ilikemagic:** i mean its true

 **IcyFists:** its both although im reconsidering your friend status atmah

 **ilikemagic:** aww you know you love me  <3

 **IcyFists:** look are you lot going to get here anytime soon or what

 **< VALENWOOD_PRIDE!>** logged on

 **VALENWOOD_PRIDE!:** yo what

 **VALENWOOD_PRIDE!:** where

 **mmmmmagic:** Other side of the College bridge.

 **ilikemagic:** other side of the college bridge

 **IcyFists:** labyrinthian

 **mmmmmagic:** Wait, what?

 **IcyFists:** ive been waiting for hours whats taking you lot so long

 **ilikemagic:** hafnar

 **IcyFists:** what

 **ilikemagic:** hafnar we said to meet outside of the college

 **IcyFists:** oh

 **IcyFists:** fuck

 **< LightLizard>** logged on>

 **LightLizard:** hey should I grab Elvali she’s still sleeping

 **ilikemagic:** ya sure

 **LightLizard:** fucking sweet see you soon

 **< LightLizard>** logged off

 **IcyFists:** we really should tell her what that means

 **VALENWOOD_PRIDE!:** NO

 **VALENWOOD_PRIDE!:** let Takes-In-Light say fuck 4K whatever year it is now

 **mmmmmagic:** Girduin, really?

 **VALENWOOD_PRIDE!:** no but seriously what year is it

 **ilikemagic:** are you kidding me right now

 **VALENWOOD_PRIDE!:** no I’m bosmering you

 **mmmmmagic:** ...

 **VALENWOOD_PRIDE!:** wait, is that not how it works

 **ilikemagic:** no

 **IcyFists:** no

 **mmmmmagic:** No.

 **VALENWOOD_PRIDE!:** oh

 **VALENWOOD_PRIDE!:** ok :(

 **mmmmmagic:** Wait a minute…

 **VALENWOOD_PRIDE!:** wait it doesn’t work like that? :D

 **mmmmmagic:** No!

 **mmmmmagic:** Well, maybe, I’m not sure either but I’m not talking about that.

 **mmmmmagic:** Atmah, are you seeing what I’m seeing?

 **ilikemagic:** hOLY SHIT

 **IcyFists:** what are you lot seeing

 **mmmmmagic:** …

 **mmmmmagic:** _@LightLizard_ When I said to grab Elvali, I did NOT mean it literally.

 **< LightLizard>** logged on

 **LightLizard:** wait, you didn’t

 **LightLizard:** fuck Tamrielic is so confusing

 **< aaaaaaaaaaa>** logged on

 **aaaaaaaaaaa:** WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW

 **IcyFists:** for once your username is appropriate

 **mmmmmagic:** _@LightLizard_ Do us all a favor and stop typing until you’re across the bridge.

 **LightLizard:** why the fuck should I though

 **mmmmmagic:** BECAUSE YOU’RE WALKING ACROSS A NARROW BRIDGE WITH ELVALI THROWN OVER YOUR SHOULDER FOR SOME REASON AND NOT LOOKING WHERE YOU’RE GOING. THAT’S WHY.

 **ilikemagic:** damn dad friend much

 **mmmmmagic:** Shut up.

* * *

**_Mage Rage_ **

**< mmmmmagic>** logged on

 **mmmmmagic:** FUCK.

 **mmmmmagic:** _@all_ I know there’s no way you can hear me, but…

 **mmmmmagic:** I’m sorry. This was a terrible idea, we never… we never should have come here. We should have known better, but… we didn’t, and now…

 **mmmmmagic:** Now I’m the only one left.

 **mmmmmagic:** I’m sorry.

 **mmmmmagic:** I’m so, so sorry.

 **mmmmmagic:** I know I can never make things right, but I can make sure this never happens again.

 **mmmmmagic:** Without the torc, it’s impossible to get inside where we did.

 **mmmmmagic:** I’ll take it to my grave if I have to.

 **mmmmmagic:** I’m so sorry…

 **Chatroom name changed to** **_[The Squad]_ **

**< mmmmmagic>** left **[The Squad]**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **mmmmmagic** = Savos Aren
> 
>  **ilikemagic** = Atmah
> 
>  **LightLizard** = Takes-In-Light
> 
>  **IcyFists** = Hafnar Ice-Fist
> 
>  **VALENWOOD_PRIDE!** = Girduin
> 
>  **aaaaaaaaaaa** = Elvali Veren


	40. College Main Chat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was also inspired by the comments section, as well as my own personal desires for Ancano to have a much, _much_ more painful death. No hard feelings, but he _murdered both halves of one of my favorite ships ~~that also is one heck of a rarepair but shhh~~_ , he's gonna die. Slowly. And painfully. _No hard feelings, indeed._

**_College Main Chat_ **

**< TheLegend27>** logged on

 **TheLegend27:** so how fucked are we on a scale of one to both dibella and sanguine taking an interest

 **myalembic:** yes.

 **TheLegend27:** fuck that bad

 **myalembic:** the Arch-Mage and Mirabelle are dead, so I’d say so.

 **TheLegend27:** nooooo i liked mirabelle

 **myalembic:** did you at least get the Staff of Magnus? because if not, Dibella won’t be able to compare to the amount of fucked we’ll be.

 **TheLegend27:** holy shit you cursed

 **myalembic:** in case you haven’t noticed we’re having a bit of a disaster here.

 **myalembic:** did you get it or didn’t you?

 **TheLegend27:** ya i got it

 **TheLegend27:** where is everyone

 **myalembic:** fighting for their lives, most likely. if nothing else, I can join you in retaking the College. I’m not certain anyone else can.

 **TheLegend27:** great meet me by the bridge

 **TheLegend27:** and actually hang on

 **myalembic:** what now?

 **TheLegend27:** you mind if i call in a friend of mine to help deal with ancano

 **TheLegend27:** hes no mage but hes fucking deadly and we probably are going to need fucking deadly

 **TheLegend27:** also fucking crazy but i can live with him for a bit

 **myalembic:** he certainly can’t mess things up any more. go ahead.

 **TheLegend27:** great ill get him to meet us by the bridge in a few min

 **myalembic:** he’s… that close by?

 **TheLegend27:** that and hes really fast when assassination is involved he probably gets a hard on from it

 **myalembic:** I… did not need to know that but alright.

 **TheLegend27:** brb

 **< TheLegend27>** logged off

* * *

**_Private Conversation between <TheLegend27> and <stabbystab>_ **

**TheLegend27:** hey cicero you wanna stab someone

 **stabbystab:** oh YES, Listener! {:^D

 **TheLegend27:** alright meet me at the bridge to the college of winterhold

 **TheLegend27:** dont stab anyone other than the person i tell you to please i dont want to explain that

 **stabbystab:** aww… {:^(

 **TheLegend27:** i mean it cicero

 **TheLegend27:** i want you to stab one person and i want you to make his death as painful as possible

 **TheLegend27:** me and an old man will be helping

 **TheLegend27:** i do not want this old man dead and i do not want this old man to know im involved in the dark brotherhood rn so no calling me listener when hes around aight

 **stabbystab:** oh, Cicero can do that~ { >:^D

 **TheLegend27:** great see you soon

* * *

**_Private Conversation between <myalembic> and <TheLegend27>_ **

**myalembic:** well, I can’t say that Ancano didn’t deserve it but I could have done without seeing that…

 **TheLegend27:** what the psijic or cicero

 **myalembic:** the crazed jester you brought in to kill Ancano.

 **TheLegend27:** thats cicero

 **myalembic:** he has a name???

 **TheLegend27:** well of course he does

 **TheLegend27:** and while i wont deny hes batshit crazy hes undeniably useful and id rather keep him from joining the dark brotherhood or something idk

 **TheLegend27:** wouldnt want that to happen now would we

 **< mother-of-night>** logged on

 **mother-of-night:** no, of course not ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TheLegend27** = Dragonborn
> 
>  **myalembic** = Tolfdir
> 
>  **stabbystab** = Cicero
> 
>  **mother-of-night** = Night Mother


	41. TALOS YO!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Could I resist having Talos pop into the Stormcloak group chat? No, no I could not, and I regret none of this.

**_TALOS YO!_ **

**stone-fist:** Can we all agree that my brother is a prick

**Fearless:** yeee

**FUSRODIE:** I mean, he’s a prick but he pays his taxes…

**stone-fist:** He’s still a prick.

**Fearless:** ok but what I want to know is

**Fearless:** why am I still the only one on besides you two

**FUSRODIE:** I don’t know, I gave everyone instructions on how to log in…

**< StormCrown>** logged on

**FUSRODIE:** FINALLY! Welcome, Stormcloak! Good to see a new face around here! What’s your name, son?

**StormCrown:** ummmm

**StormCrown:** Hjalti

**stone-fist:** Bit of a Talos fan, aye? Don’t worry, we’re all dirty Talos worshippers here.

**StormCrown:** you could say that, yeah

**StormCrown:** speaking of Talos, though…

**Fearless:** what about him

**StormCrown:** wouldn’t he be pissed off at the way the Dunmer are treated here? I mean, there are stories about an aspect of him meeting their Nerevarine on his way to fight Dagoth Ur, and I mean… 

**stone-fist:** I never heard those stories…

**Fearless:** yeah me either

**FUSRODIE:** Look, Hjalti. We’re here to discuss battle tactics, not economic issues. I’ll gladly deal with that once the war’s over. In the meantime, Talos would want us to fight the Aldmeri Dominion. If you want to do something on your own, feel free.

**stone-fist:** Aye, please beat up my brother. He has it coming.

**stone-fist:** And wait, talking about your lack of a love life since the Great War is battle tactics?

**FUSRODIE:** GALMAR.

**StormCrown:** you’re right, Talos would want you to fight the Aldmeri Dominion, but he wouldn’t want you to do it at the cost of your own people. all of your own people. Dunmer, Nord, Argonian... everyone  


**StormCrown:** that, Ulfric, is why your war is doomed to fail if you don’t begin changing things right now

**StormCrown:** and while I’d rather you not fail, the Thalmor are doomed to collapse eventually. I can wait. it’s up to you whether you’re around for their destruction or not.

**FUSRODIE:** EXCUSE YOU JUST WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE???

**FUSRODIE:** THAT’S JARL ULFRIC TO YOU!

**StormCrown:** maybe you should get your head out of your arse and start acting like one, then

**stone-fist:** I like this kid.

**< StormCrown>** was removed from  **_[TALOS YO!]_ **

**stone-fist:** Awww…

**Fearless:** …

**stone-fist:** Well I think we know why nobody else is joining the chat now…

**FUSRODIE:** Galmar.

**stone-fist:** Ulfric.

**FUSRODIE:** You’re lucky I couldn’t do this without you.

**stone-fist:** You’re lucky I haven’t brought up Rikke yet. :)

**FUSRODIE:** OKAY THAT WAS UNCALLED FOR.

**< StormCrown>** logged on

**stone-fist:** Lol what the fuck?

**StormCrown:** removing me from the chat certainly was. I am trying to help you, Ulfric. don’t blow this for yourself

**< StormCrown>** was removed from  **_[TALOS YO!]_ **

**< StormCrown>** logged on

**< StormCrown>** was removed from  **_[TALOS YO!]_ **

**< StormCrown>** logged on

**StormCrown:** fine, fine, I’ll leave. I think you’ll be regretting that later, but fine.

**StormCrown:** I said my name was Hjalti? it was, long ago. Hjalti Early-Beard.

**< StormCrown>** logged off

**Fearless:** HOLY SHIT

**FUSRODIE:** WHAT IS IT NOW???

**Fearless:** DO NEITHER OF YOU KNOW WHO HJALTI EARLY-BEARD WAS???

**FUSRODIE:** WHO THE FUCK WAS HJALTI EARLY-BEARD???

**stone-fist:** ULFRIC ARE YOU KIDDING ME???

**stone-fist:** HJALTI EARLY-BEARD WAS TALOS YOU DAFT BUGGER

**FUSRODIE:** WAIT WHAT

**FUSRODIE:** WHAT THE FUCK I THOUGHT THAT WAS JUST A LEGEND  


**stone-fist:** THE DRAGONBORN WAS JUST A LEGEND A FEW MONTHS AGO

* * *

**_Private Conversation between <StormCrown>_** **_and <SKYnareth>_**

**StormCrown:** I still can’t believe you made your username a pun

**SKYnareth:** i did this ages ago bitch and im still not sure what i was thinking tbh

**SKYnareth:** like if i was gonna do anything i should have done skyne

**StormCrown:** that’s worse

**SKYnareth:** ya true

**SKYnareth:** so howd the talk with your champions go

**StormCrown:** well I’m hoping I freaked out Stormcloak enough to get him to be at least a little more concerned about how everyone not a Nord is treated in Windhelm :/

**SKYnareth:** u r in no position to talk bitch u were the same way

**StormCrown:** ...okay listen everyone makes mistakes and I grew from them

**SKYnareth:** >:)

**StormCrown:** if I’d known that Kyne was  ** __** __like this I would never have wanted to become a god tbh

**SKYnareth:** too late now u r stuck with us

**SKYnareth:** forever

**StormCrown:** way to be creepy, but you’re not wrong.

**StormCrown:** anyway, I’m gonna go back and see what happens

**SKYnareth:** lol aight

* * *

**_TALOS YO!_ **

**< StormCrown>** logged on

**stone-fist:** So Ulfric’s still having an existential crisis right now but otherwise alright.  


**stone-fist:** Wait fuck you’re not Ralof.

**StormCrown:** no, I believe he’s also having an existential crisis, although a lesser one

**stone-fist:** Oh. Okay.

**stone-fist:** I just… are you actually, you know…?

**StormCrown:** Talos?

**stone-fist:** Aye.

**StormCrown:** the short answer is yes

**stone-fist:** ...I’ll see what I can do to get Ulfric to be less of a general and more of a Jarl, I’m the one person he can’t replace.

**StormCrown:** too right

**StormCrown:** but I do believe the Stormcloaks can win, and drive out the Thalmor. nothing against the Empire, but… well, it’s kind of been dying since my line ended

**stone-fist:** You know, for a god you’re really reasonable.

**StormCrown:** it gets better with age

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **stone-fist** = Galmar Stone-Fist
> 
> **Fearless** = Ralof
> 
> **FUSRODIE** = Ulfric Stormcloak
> 
> **StormCrown** = Talos (Tiber Septim) (Hjalti Early-Beard)
> 
> **SKYnareth** = Kynareth (Kyne)


	42. FUCK THE STORMCLOAKS

**_FUCK THE STORMCLOAKS_ **

**< GENERAL>** logged on

 **GENERAL:** i dont know who renamed the chatroom but i approve

 **honor:** me, who else?

 **GENERAL:** touche

 **Just-a-Nord:** Um… Legate, can I ask you something?

 **honor:** why wouldn’t you be able to, this is a public chatroom for the entire Legion, you're supposed to be asking questions

 **Just-a-Nord:** Right.

 **Just-a-Nord:** So… I heard from a friend of a friend that his cousin is a Stormcloak.

 **GENERAL:** traitor

 **Just-a-Nord:** I’m… not done yet.

 **GENERAL:** continue please im curious

 **Just-a-Nord:** Got it.

 **Just-a-Nord:** In any case this Stormcloak cousin apparently swears up and down that, uh…

 **honor:** what is it, soldier?

 **Just-a-Nord:** I’m not sure this is a good idea…

 **honor:** oh no

 **honor:** please tell me this isn’t what I think it is

 **GENERAL:** if it embarasses rikke im all ears she has far too much blackmail on me already

 **< titties>** logged on

 **titties:** she was fucking ulfric stormcloak during the great war ;)

 **< titties>** logged off

 **honor:** who the fuck was that

 **GENERAL:** rikke

 **GENERAL:** were you and ulfric stormcloak really

 **honor:** yes. everyone makes mistakes.

 **Just-a-Nord:** HOLY SHIT!

 **GENERAL:** damn that was colder than atmora in winter

 **honor:** I meant what I said.

 **honor:** now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to find whoever ‘titties’ is.

 **< honor>** logged off

* * *

**_Private Conversation between <titties> and <LoveYourself>_ **

**titties:** so i tried

 **LoveYourself:** Any luck?

 **titties:** luck had nothing to do with it

 **titties:** my tits mara that romance is completely frigid by now

 **LoveYourself:** But they’re both so ALONE!

 **titties:** theyre also on opposite sides of a war

 **titties:** and mara dear this particular war will most certainly end with one or both of them dead

 **LoveYourself:** :’(

 **titties:** mara you are not doing this to me

 **titties:** if you want to fan the flames of a love that hasnt been there in decades be my guest

 **titties:** youd be much better off picking one side of the war or the other

 **titties:** or you could just stay out of it entirely thats the smart thing to do

 **LoveYourself:** It’s still SAD!

 **titties:** mara i know trust me

 **titties:** if it makes you feel any better theyre both nords and theyll most likely meet again in sovngarde eventually and possibly fall in love again there assuming the dragonborn actually does her fucking job

 **LoveYourself:**!!!

 **titties:** mara did that not occur to you

 **LoveYourself:** Um.

 **titties:** things like this are why we need two goddesses of love

 **titties:** one like you to be altogether too sappy and oblivious

 **LoveYourself:** This is true.

 **titties:** and one like me to handle the other side of things

 **titties:** we balance each other out

 **titties:** but anyway

 **titties:** trying to set up ulfric and rikke is a terrible idea mara

 **LoveYourself:** :’(

 **titties:** at least wait until theyre both dead and cant fuck up the world any more

 **titties:** in the meantime you should try making the dragonborn fall in love with someone

 **LoveYourself:** But then it wouldn’t be genuine!

 **titties:** my fucking tits mara

 **titties:** if you pay attention its quite clear who has feelings for her and unless shes a really good actress she reciprocates them

 **LoveYourself:** So you’re saying…

 **titties:** go for it mara

 **titties:** make love happen its what youre best at

 **LoveYourself:** :D

 **LoveYourself:** Be right back!

 **< LoveYourself>** logged off

 **titties:** yep seeya in a month or so

 **titties:** lets be honest we both know when you get invested in the love lives of mortals you cant get uninvested for a while

 **titties:** then again im in no position to judge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **GENERAL** = General Tullius
> 
>  **honor** = Legate Rikke
> 
>  **Just-a-Nord** = Hadvar
> 
>  **titties** = Dibella
> 
>  **LoveYourself** = Mara


	43. Nightingales of Nocturnal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember how I said that last Thieves Guild chapter was going to be the last Thieves Guild chapter? I lied. I may have poured some of my own frustration at a certain line of Brynjolf's into this chapter, as well... not to mention things escalated very quickly. Also, whoops. My hand slipped and I might have put some actual plot into this. I might actually need to give TheLegend27 a legit name at some point... any ideas? :) I'm open to suggestions.

**_Nightingales of Nocturnal_ **

**< redhead>** logged on

 **TheLegend27:** oh hi bryn did you finally get done with your important things

 **< redhead>** logged off

 **TheLegend27:** told you karliah

 **TheLegend27:** hes ignoring me

 **nighteyes:** you should ignore him then  >:)

 **TheLegend27:** karliah you are a fucking genius  >:)

 **nighteyes:** i try  >:)

 **< ProfessionalThief>** logged on

 **ProfessionalThief:** What did I miss?

 **nighteyes:** brynjolf

 **nighteyes:** again

 **ProfessionalThief:** I’m kind of surprised he hasn’t read up yet, to be honest.

 **ProfessionalThief:** I bet his reaction when he finds out will be amazing.

 **TheLegend27:** coughimstillnotusedtothefactthattheresadeadguyinourchatcough

 **ProfessionalThief:** You’re a member of the Dark Brotherhood and I know they utilize Spectral Assassins. This is no different.

 **nighteyes:** wait what

 **TheLegend27:** how the fuck do you know that only delvin knows

 **TheLegend27:** i think

 **ProfessionalThief:** I have my ways. :)

 **ProfessionalThief:** Speaking of which, I’m almost tempted to log into the main chat just to see everyone’s reactions.

 **TheLegend27:** dont

 **nighteyes:** gallus please dont i dont think that would go well

 **nighteyes:** how would we even explain that

 **TheLegend27:** i was going to say that im still questioning basically everything about this myself but yeah listen to karliah

 **TheLegend27:** what do i know about ghosts ahaha

 **< redhead>** logged on

 **ProfessionalThief:** And that, I believe, is my cue to leave. :)

 **< ProfessionalThief> **logged off

 **redhead:** wait what THE FUCK

 **redhead:** GALLUS???

 **nighteyes:** well would you look at the time i suddenly have a very important job i have to do in

 **nighteyes:** windhelm

 **nighteyes:** yeah windhelm i definitely didnt just get it from delvin two seconds ago nope

 **TheLegend27:** if a couple of angry nords start yelling at you and calling you names by all means punch them i always do at least once when im there

 **nighteyes:** they cant yell at me if they cant see me ;)

 **< nighteyes>** logged off

 **redhead:** what the fuck is going on???

 **TheLegend27:** sorry lad ive got important things to do well speak another time

 **< TheLegend27>** logged off

 **redhead:** ...really?

 **< TheLegend27>** logged on

 **TheLegend27:** yep

 **< TheLegend27> **logged off

 **redhead:** ok look lass, I’ve actually been busy lately. Really busy.

 **< TheLegend27>** logged on

 **TheLegend27:**  ……………...../´¯/)  
………………....……………....,/¯../  
……………………………...…./…./  
……………………..……..../´¯/’…’/´¯¯`·¸  
…………………………../’/…/…./……./¨¯\  
………………………....(‘(…´…´…. ¯~/’…’)  
…………………….……\……………..’…../  
………………………...….”…\………. _.·´  
…………………………..…\…………..(  
……………………………...\………….\…

 **< TheLegend27>** logged off

 **redhead:** that’s… actually really impressive lass

 **< TheLegend27>** logged on

 **TheLegend27:** thanks

 **TheLegend27:** i got it from sapphire

 **redhead:** why am I not surprised?

 **TheLegend27:** ……………......./´¯/)  
………………....…………….....,/¯../  
……………………………...…../…./  
……………………..………./´¯/’…’/´¯¯`·¸  
…………………………../’/…/…./……./¨¯\  
………………………....(‘(…´…´…. ¯~/’…’)  
…………………….……\……………..’…../  
………………………...….”…\………. _.·´  
…………………………..…\…………..(  
……………………………....\………….\…

 **< TheLegend27>** logged off

 **redhead:** lass…

* * *

**_Private Conversation between <LoveYourself> and <redhead>_ **

**LoveYourself:** Try Nightingale Hall. :)

 **redhead:** ok…?

 **redhead:** wait who the fuck are you and how the fuck do you know about Nightingale Hall

 **LoveYourself:** I don’t actually know where it is or what it is, although I can guess. :)

 **LoveYourself:** You’d have much better chances, of course, if you stopped brushing her off every time she tried to talk to you.

 **redhead:** i don’t…

 **redhead:** oh

 **redhead:** oh SHIT

 **LoveYourself:** :) Another loving romance saved, courtesy of Mara~

 **< LoveYourself>** logged off

 **redhead:** WAIT WHAT

* * *

**_Private Conversation between <ProfessionalThief> and <nighteyes>_ **

**nighteyes:** lol they remind me of us

 **ProfessionalThief:** Well, as far as I’m aware, you never resorted to copy-pasting middle finger emojis into the chat to get my attention.

 **nighteyes:** t(^-^t)

 **ProfessionalThief:** I stand corrected.

 **ProfessionalThief:** Did you just… make that up on the spot?

 **nighteyes:** yee t(^-^t)

 **ProfessionalThief:** I love you so much.

* * *

_**Private Conversation between <redhead> and** **< TheLegend27>**_

**redhead:** lass I can see you up there. you literally look like you're about to fall six feet and break your head open on the ground.

 **redhead:** I for one would much rather you didn't fall six feet and break your head open on the ground.

 **TheLegend27:** go fuck yourself

 **redhead:** I'll consider it if you get down from there.

 **TheLegend27:** no

 **redhead:** you're going to fall.

 **TheLegend27:** im the motherfucking dragonborn im not going to fall

 **redhead:** what does that have to do with anything

 **TheLegend27:** idk what does you not giving a shit about me in the least these days have to do with anything

 **redhead:** lass, you don't really think that.

 **TheLegend27:** oh yeah

 **TheLegend27:** bitch please

 **TheLegend27:** youve never given a shit about me its always been the guild this and the guild that

 **TheLegend27:** well fuck the guild

 **TheLegend27:** i thought you actually gave a shit about me once but no

 **TheLegend27:** the instant the guilds back on its feet you suddenly dont have time to even so much as say hello

 **TheLegend27:** instead its always sorry lass ive got important things to do well speak another time

 **redhead:** lass... the Guild is important to me, yes, but that doesn't mean you're not

 **TheLegend27:** bullshit ive never meant anything to you

 **TheLegend27:** so go fuck yourse

 **< TheLegend27>** logged off

* * *

_**Nightingales of Nocturnal** _

**< redhead>** logged on

 **redhead:** _@nighteyes_ KARLIAH I KNOW YOU SAID YOU HAD A JOB IN WINDHELM BUT PLEASE I NEED YOU NOW

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **redhead** = Brynjolf
> 
>  **TheLegend27** = Dragonborn
> 
>  **nighteyes** = Karliah
> 
>  **ProfessionalThief** = Gallus Desidenius
> 
>  **LoveYourself** = Mara


	44. We Are Number One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brynjolf talking to people? In _my_ fanfiction? It's more likely than you'd think!

**_We Are Number One_ **

**redhead:** I’m such a fucking idiot

 **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** no offense Bryn but you kind of are…

 **redhead:** I know

 **dontvexme:** in his defense it was kinda her own fault

 **dontvexme:** as far as im aware anyway

 **nighteyes:** it kind of was but brynjolf you really werent helping

 **redhead:** I FUCKING KNOW OK

 **redhead:** not like I haven’t been beating myself up over this since it happened or anything

 **nighteyes:** hey if you thought this was bad you should have seen her after snow veil sanctum

 **nighteyes:** lets just say she was badly wounded enough that mercer thought she was dead and leave it at that

 **dontvexme:** yet another reason why mercer fkn needed to die

 **nighteyes:** well lets just say someone might have posthumously stabbed him like thirty seven times in the chest and leave it at that

 **nighteyes:** not naming names

 **redhead:** Karliah

 **redhead:** that was you and we all know it

 **nighteyes:** he murdered gallus and framed me for it

 **nighteyes:** my only regret is that i didnt get to kill him myself

 **dontvexme:** hey good on u girl

 **dontvexme:** my respect for u just went up dramatically anyway

 **nighteyes:** :)

 **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** but really, Bryn, are you doing alright?

 **redhead:** hmmm let’s see

 **redhead:** how about a solid

 **redhead:** FUCK NO

 **dontvexme:** lol is this the same person who used to tell us all off for language

 **redhead:** OK THAT WAS YEARS AGO

 **nighteyes:** mmmm no

 **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** nice try, lad.

 **nighteyes:** anyway just calm down and idk go steal something

 **nighteyes:** shell be fine i promise

 **nighteyes:** weve all survived much worse than this

 **redhead:** you know what? Sure

 **redhead:** I’ll go steal something

 **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx:** well there’s still that Windhelm job that Karliah was supposed to be doing…

 **nighteyes:** one of my best friends fell off a rock

 **redhead:** it doesn’t sound as bad when you put it like that…

 **dontvexme:** but srsly bryn get ur head out of ur ass and go steal something

 **dontvexme:** always works for clearing my head

 **redhead:** fine I’ll be back

* * *

**_Private Conversation between <redhead> and <TheLegend27>_ **

**< TheLegend27> ** logged on

 **TheLegend27:** ok so you were right that was a dumb place to sit

 **TheLegend27:** bryn

 **TheLegend27:** fuck are you still ignoring me

 **TheLegend27:** i mean you said it yourself im apparently at least somewhat important to you

 **TheLegend27:** clearly not as much as the guild tho

 **TheLegend27:** ……………......./´¯/)  
………………....…………….....,/¯../  
……………………………...…../…./  
……………………..………./´¯/’…’/´¯¯`·¸  
…………………………../’/…/…./……./¨¯\  
………………………....(‘(…´…´…. ¯~/’…’)  
…………………….……\……………..’…../  
………………………...….”…\………. _.·´  
…………………………..…\…………..(  
……………………………....\………….\…

 **TheLegend27:** you cant ignore me forever im gonna find you and when i find you we are going to fucking talk

 **< TheLegend27>** logged off

 **< TheLegend27>** logged on

 **TheLegend27:** ok youre nowhere in the guild and karliah says you left on a job hours ago

 **TheLegend27:** so i guess if youre sneaking around its ok to ignore me

 **TheLegend27:** but we are going to fucking talk when you get back

 **TheLegend27:** face to fucking face

 **< TheLegend27>** logged off

* * *

**_Private Conversation between <nighteyes> and <TheLegend27>_ **

**nighteyes:** lass, this is Brynjolf, I might have lost my phone...

 **nighteyes:** and by that I mean I dropped it when I was running from the guards

 **TheLegend27:** of fucking course you did

 **nighteyes:** I’m pretty sure it broke so no guards are going to be reading our conversations…

 **TheLegend27:** well thats good at least

 **TheLegend27:** what i want to know is how the fuck did you convince karliah to let you borrow her phone

 **nighteyes:** um…

 **TheLegend27:** you didnt

 **nighteyes:** that’s not important I’ll worry about her murdering me on the spot later

 **TheLegend27:** thats damn fucking important you idiot

 **TheLegend27:** if youre allowed to get on my case for sitting somewhere i shouldnt so i dont break my head open

 **TheLegend27:** which i didnt by the way

 **TheLegend27:** then im damn well allowed to get on your case for pissing off someone who will probably make you wish she did kill you

 **nighteyes:** you’re probably riasdfkjgf

 **TheLegend27:** and i called it

 **nighteyes:** damn brynjolf was that desperate to talk to you huh

 **TheLegend27:** he dropped his phone

 **nighteyes:** i figured that much

 **nighteyes:** do me a favor tell him when you see him that if he steals my phone again delvin wont be the only one with threats of a pick in the dick

 **nighteyes:** and unlike vex ill actually get around to it

 **< nighteyes>** logged off

 **TheLegend27:** ok but how would that actually work

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **redhead** = Brynjolf
> 
>  **xX_MasterOfStealth_Xx** = Delvin Mallory
> 
>  **dontvexme** = Vex
> 
>  **nighteyes** = Karliah
> 
>  **TheLegend27** = Dragonborn


	45. Sky Above, Voice Within

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Question: how does Paarthurnax type?
> 
> Answer: with the Way of the Voice-To-Text.

**_Sky Above, Voice Within_ **

**< Greybeard>** logged on

**Greybeard:** I’m back from the peak, guessing the Dragonborn still hasn’t shown up?

**BeardOfGrey:** lol what do you think

**Greybeard:** ...that’s a no.

**shavingisforposers:** yeee

**BEARDBOY:** we’ve been checking

**BEARDBOY:** not that we have to, the dragonborn’s the only one who would actually come in without thinking we were going to shout them to pieces :)

**Greybeard:** I hate to admit it, but you’re absolutely right.

**Greybeard:** Remind me why we haven’t corrected those rumors yet?

**BeardOfGrey:** bc we dont talk to people

**BeardOfGrey:** ever

**shavingisforposers:** well except for Arngeir

**BeardOfGrey:** tru

**Greybeard:** In all honesty, I’m… concerned.

**Greybeard:** She hasn’t been back since she learned the final word of Unrelenting Force.

**Greybeard:** I fear… she may be straying from the path of wisdom.

**shavingisforposers:** Arngeir she’s a baby compared to us let her live her life

**Greybeard:** There’s living her life, and then there’s associating with the Blades.

**BeardOfGrey:** they still exist

**BEARDBOY:** idk

**BEARDBOY:** we should ask the dragonborn

**Greybeard:** She’ll take it the wrong way, so absolutely not.

**shavingisforposers:** Arngeir calm down

**shavingisforposers:** she’ll be back eventually

**Greybeard:** Yes, but…

**< Wuth-Dovah>** logged on

**Wuth-Dovah:** Arngeir

**Greybeard:** Hello, Paarthurnax. Do we need to…

**Wuth-Dovah:** No you don’t need to come back up I know the trek is hard on you all

**Greybeard:** That's... good to know.

**Wuth-Dovah:** However I thought you might like to know that the Dragonborn is in fact coming back up the mountain

**shavingisforposers:** told you Arngeir

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Greybeard** = Arngeir
> 
>  **BeardOfGrey** = Wulfgar
> 
>  **BEARDBOY** = Borri
> 
>  **shavingisforposers** = Einarth
> 
>  **Wuth-Dovah** = Paarthurnax


	46. Nightingales of Nocturnal

**_Nightingales of Nocturnal_ **

**< TheLegend27>** logged on

 **TheLegend27:** _@all_ by any chance do any of you know where i could find an elder scroll

 **TheLegend27:** im fine with stealing it

 **< redhead>** logged on

 **redhead:** that’s kind of a given in our line of work, lass.

 **TheLegend27:** true that

 **< ProfessionalThief>** logged on

 **< nighteyes>** logged on

 **ProfessionalThief:** An Elder Scroll? The last one I know of was stolen by the Gray Fox around the time of the Oblivion Crisis. Regrettably, it was lost to history after the theft.

 **nighteyes:** why do you need an elder scroll

 **TheLegend27:** so i can travel back in time and learn a certain shout to fuck over alduin before he fucks over the world and eats everyone

 **ProfessionalThief:** You’re the… Dragonborn?

 **TheLegend27:** shit i keep forgetting to mention that dont i

 **TheLegend27:** yeeee i know im disappointing

 **ProfessionalThief:** Quite the opposite, actually, and even if I thought you disappointing, I know someone here doesn’t. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 **nighteyes:** cough _@redhead_ cough

 **redhead:** um

 **redhead:** this would probably be a bad time to say I have important things to do, wouldn’t it?

 **TheLegend27:** yes it would

 **TheLegend27:** but fortunately for you i actually do have important things to do

 **TheLegend27:** ill let you guys know if i find an elder scroll anytime soon or not

 **< TheLegend27>** logged off

* * *

**_Two Werewolves, an Idiot, and Farkas_ **

**< TheLegend27>** logged on

 **TheLegend27:** ha vilkas is an idiot

 **badass:** Hey fuck you I’m not an idiot

 **badass:** I’m a drama queen, get it right

 **Chatroom renamed to** **_[Two Werewolves, a Drama Queen, and Farkas]_ **

**TheLegend27:** what the fuck did I miss

 **FARKLE:** hes accepted his new title

 **badass:** Yes

 **TheLegend27:** seems legit

 **TheLegend27:** anyway _@all_ anyone know where to find an elder scroll by any chance

 **badass:** If I did I wouldn’t tell anyone, those are dangerous

 **< The_Huntress>** logged on

 **The_Huntress:** so he doesn’t know anything bc if he did he’d be blind from trying to read it

 **badass:** I won’t even try and deny that one

 **The_Huntress:** idk anything either sorry

 **TheLegend27:** its fine im just asking everywhere

 **TheLegend27:** farkas

 **FARKLE:** nope

 **TheLegend27:** aight

 **TheLegend27:** thanks anyway

 **< TheLegend27>** logged off

* * *

**_DIE DIE DIE_ **

**< TheLegend27>** logged on

 **TheLegend27:** i feel like thats either a reference to some obscure thing i dont know shit about or cicero

 **TheLegend27:** or both

 **BABS:** it’s Cicero

 **TheLegend27:** lol im not surprised

 **TheLegend27:** anyway _@all_ anyone know where to find an elder scroll by any chance

 **< x_WIZARD_x>** logged on

 **TheLegend27:** hi festus

 **x_WIZARD_x:** Hello.

 **TheLegend27:** i just realized it probably says something about my life that im kinda used to dead people popping into chatrooms by now

 **x_WIZARD_x:** Death is an illusion, let’s be honest.

 **TheLegend27:** i dont follow but ok

 **x_WIZARD_x:** And as for an Elder Scroll… perhaps the College of Winterhold?

 **TheLegend27:** holy fuck youre right thanks festus

 **< TheLegend27>** logged off

* * *

**_Graduating Class of ‘201_ **

**< TheLegend27>** logged on

 **TheLegend27:** _@all_ do any of you know where to find an elder scroll its important

 **ConjurationYes:** Try Urag

 **TheLegend27:** aight imma do that thanks

 **< TheLegend27>** logged off

* * *

**_Private Conversation between <TheLegend27> and <The_Librarian>_ **

**TheLegend27:** please tell me you have an elder scroll

 **< The_Librarian>** logged on

 **The_Librarian:** If I had one, I wouldn’t let you near it.

 **TheLegend27:** but im the arch-mage

 **The_Librarian:** Because everyone remotely qualified for the job either didn’t want it, like me, or died, like Mirabelle.

 **TheLegend27:** look if she showed up alive id gladly give her the job after giving her a hug i miss her :(

 **TheLegend27:** but anyway

 **TheLegend27:** i desperately need to find an elder scroll im the dragonborn and i need to read it at the throat of the world to go back in time and learn a shout to defeat alduin

 **The_Librarian:** Most of that made no sense to me, but that’s more explanation than I’ve gotten from you in the past on anything.

 **The_Librarian:** Fine.

 **The_Librarian:** If you come down to my Arcaneum, I’ll let you read what I have on Elder Scrolls, although I don’t have one myself.

 **TheLegend27:** of course not its never easy

 **TheLegend27:** thanks anyway urag

 **The_Librarian:** Just make sure none of my books go missing or I’ll know exactly where to look.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TheLegend27** = Dragonborn
> 
>  **redhead** = Brynjolf
> 
>  **ProfessionalThief** = Gallus Desidenius
> 
>  **nighteyes** = Karliah
> 
>  **badass** = Vilkas
> 
>  **FARKLE** = Farkas
> 
>  **The_Huntress** = Aela the Huntress
> 
>  **BABS** = Babette
> 
>  **x_WIZARD_x** = Festus Krex
> 
>  **ConjurationYes** = Brelyna Maryon
> 
>  **The_Librarian** = Urag gro-Shub


	47. Brothers of Darkness

**_Brothers of Darkness_ **

**< TheLegend27>** logged on

**TheLegend27:** did i mention how much i hate dwemer ruins

**BABS:** that’s literally ALL you’ve been talking about lately

**x_WIZARD_x:** Babette, my girl, you’ll understand when you get your first contract for someone in a Dwemer ruin.

**BABS:** what makes you think I’ve never had one in there?

**x_WIZARD_x:** Because you don’t know how, pardon my Daedric, exceptionally shitty Dwemer ruins are. If the machinery doesn’t kill you, the Falmer will.

**< Sands_of_the_Alik’r>** logged on

**Sands_of_the_Alik’r:** Babette if you want jobs in Dwemer ruins, I’ve got one right here. Have fun and don’t die.

**BABS:** ya sure alright it can’t be that bad…

**TheLegend27:** um

**x_WIZARD_x:** Makes me glad I don’t have to deal with those anymore. :)

**x_WIZARD_x:** Almost.

**x_WIZARD_x:** And then I remember I’m dead and I’m sad.

**TheLegend27:** festus im so sorry i should have gotten there in time

**x_WIZARD_x:** Eh, I’m not that sad. Death is just another journey, one that we all must take.

**x_WIZARD_x:** We’ll all be waiting for you in the Void. :)


	48. Nightingales of Nocturnal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is Season Unending, and it's going to be great. Mainly because it's over chat instead of in person, which is our first and (probably) only bit of canon divergence. I wanted to give it its own chapter ~~and I'm not writing a different chapter because it's 1 AM and my nieces are getting here soon and I want to sleep nope what do you mean~~.
> 
> So, next chapter: Season Unending over chat, ft. Nightingale Tech Tricks.
> 
> Also, let's be honest: TheLegend27 _would_ throw the leadership of two opposing sides of a war into a chatroom together for shits and giggles.

**_Nightingales of Nocturnal_ **

**< TheLegend27>** logged on

**TheLegend27:** hey  _ @redhead @nighteyes _ i need a favor

**redhead:** lass, with all due respect, you’re the Guildmaster.

**TheLegend27:** well this isnt guild related sooo

**redhead:** lass, with all due respect, you know I’m going to help you regardless.

**TheLegend27:** true

**TheLegend27:** i need the usernames of a bunch of people for reasons

**redhead:** I’m listening

**TheLegend27:** general tullius and legate rikke of the imperial legion

**TheLegend27:** jarl ulfric stormcloak and galmar stone-fist of the stormcloaks

**TheLegend27:** and jarl balgruuf the greater of whiterun

**redhead:** that’s not going to be easy and it’ll take some time

**TheLegend27:** can you do it tho

**redhead:** lass. this is me you’re talking about.

**redhead:** so, yes.

**TheLegend27:** thank you so much  <3

**redhead:** no problem  


**redhead:** ...  <3

**< redhead>** logged off

**nighteyes:** you two are so cute wow

**nighteyes:** so anyway what do you need me for

**TheLegend27:** nightingale tech tricks i know you know them

**nighteyes:** like what exactly

**TheLegend27:** adding a bunch of people to a chatroom and preventing them from logging off

**nighteyes:** so youre throwing the leadership of both sides of a civil war into a chatroom together for shits and giggles

**TheLegend27:** no although i might leave them there afterwards for shits and giggles

**TheLegend27:** im negotiating a temporary peace treaty

**nighteyes:** sounds exhausting and also more like something gallus could help you with

**nighteyes:** _@ProfessionalThief_

**< ProfessionalThief>** logged on

**ProfessionalThief:** Well, I can’t say I envy you. Try not to start any wars.

**TheLegend27:** theres already a war going on

**ProfessionalThief:** ...oh.

**ProfessionalThief:** I knew that.

**nighteyes:** no you didnt

**ProfessionalThief:** In my defense, I’m dead. :’)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TheLegend27** = Dragonborn
> 
>  **redhead** = Brynjolf
> 
>  **nighteyes** = Karliah
> 
>  **ProfessionalThief** = Gallus Desidenius


	49. Peace the Fuck Out

**_Peace The Fuck Out_ **

**< TheLegend27>** logged on

 **TheLegend27:** _@Greybeard_ ive got everyones usernames are you ready for this

 **Greybeard:** Of course not, and the profanity is highly unneccessary…

 **TheLegend27:** pssh itll be fine

 **Greybeard:** No, it won’t.

 **TheLegend27:** i mean other than the profanity

 **Greybeard:** Then I suppose it will do. Are you certain you want me to be here?

 **TheLegend27:** yee i need someone neutral whos actually sane

 **Greybeard:** I’m… going to ignore the implications of that.

 **TheLegend27:** also you have moderator powers btw just letting you know

 **Greybeard:** And what exactly am I supposed to do with those?

 **TheLegend27:** idk i just thought you might enjoy them

 **TheLegend27:** anyway time to open the floodgates

 **Greybeard:** Why are you like this.

 **TheLegend27:** probably the skooma

 **TheLegend27:** oh yeah btw do you mind if i invite delphine and esbern

 **Greybeard:** The Blades? Why would you possibly want them here.

 **TheLegend27:** because delphine will pitch a fit if i dont invite her and esberns actually cool

 **Greybeard:** Very well.

 **< TheLegend27>** added **< GENERAL>, <honor>, <FUSRODIE>, <stone-fist>, <The_Greater>, <NobodyImportant>, <dragondance>**

 **TheLegend27:** woo thanks karliah

 **Greybeard:** Who’s Karliah?

 **TheLegend27:** friend of mine who helped me figure out how to keep all these people who despise each other in the same chatroom for more than five seconds

 **TheLegend27:** _/lock @all_

 **< GENERAL>** logged on

 **< honor>** logged on

 **< FUSRODIE>** logged on

 **< stone-fist>** logged on

 **< The_Greater>** logged on

 **< NobodyImportant>** logged on

 **< dragondance>** logged on

 **TheLegend27:** hi everyone this is the dragonborn you remember when i said invited you all to a peace conference and you all refused unless the other was attending :)

 **FUSRODIE:** fuck this shit, I’m out

 **< FUSRODIE>** logged off

 **< FUSRODIE>** logged on

 **FUSRODIE:** what the fuck

 **TheLegend27:** also you all are stuck here until we get some sort of peace treaty for long enough that our friendly neighborhood jarl of whiterun can let me use his keep to catch a dragon to save the world

 **TheLegend27:** any questions

 **The_Greater:** Is this really necessary?

 **TheLegend27:** yes

 **GENERAL:** so let me get this straight rikke and i are in a chatroom with who exactly

 **honor:** the leadership of the stormcloaks for one thing

 **FUSRODIE:** ...Rikke.

 **honor:** ulfric.

 **stone-fist:** By the Nine, I can feel the sexual tension from here.

 **FUSRODIE:** GALMAR FOR THE LOVE OF TALOS

 **NobodyImportant:** Well this is interesting if nothing else.

 **The_Greater:** Hold on. I can guess at who everyone else is, but who are you?

 **NobodyImportant:** See my username. It’s there for a reason.

 **dragondance:** she’s Delphine, I’m Esbern, we’re Blades!

 **NobodyImportant:** ...Esbern, why.

 **The_Greater:** Well, I’m Balgruuf, and it’s an honor to meet you both.

 **GENERAL:** well the blades are supposed to be disbanded

 **GENERAL:** but we dont have any thalmor agents here and i dont feel like inviting any so i dont really give a shit

 **honor:** yeah, please don’t invite any of them.

 **FUSRODIE:** seconded

 **stone-fist:** Thirded.

 **honor:** actually, on second thought, please do invite them.

 **< FUSRODIE>** logged off

 **< FUSRODIE>** logged on

 **FUSRODIE:** _@TheLegend27_ LET’S JUST GET THIS OVER WITH DAMMIT I HAVE A WAR TO WIN

 **stone-fist:** And what am I, chopped liver?

 **GENERAL:** lets be honest the only reason your little rebellion hasnt fizzled out already is because that dragon attacked when it did

 **TheLegend27:** that dragon was alduin the motherfucking world eater and i hate to break it to you general but i would also be dead if he hadnt attacked when he did

 **TheLegend27:** ironically enough

 **GENERAL:** the captain in charge at helgen was convinced you were a stormcloak spy had she survived she would have been courtmartialed

 **TheLegend27:** tell that to the guy who tried to run and was shot in the back for also being a stormcloak spy apparently

 **TheLegend27:** which he wasnt

 **FUSRODIE:** that man was a thief and a disgrace to all Nords.

 **TheLegend27:** fuck you some of my best friends are thieves and i know quite a few people who would consider you a disgrace to all nords

 **TheLegend27:** and anyway

 **TheLegend27:** i dont care how it happens but i need a truce until i can defeat alduin

 **TheLegend27:** unless of course you want him to eat us all :)

 **honor:** look, I don’t like this anymore than you do and I would have much rather done this in person, but she’s right. it won’t matter who wins if alduin eats us all in the end.

 **GENERAL:** very well

 **GENERAL:** im willing to order all troops to stand down until the dragon crisis is resolved

 **FUSRODIE:** I want Markarth

 **The_Greater:** ...seriously?

 **stone-fist:** Ulfric, if we actually do negotiating we’re going to be here all night, and I don’t know about you but I need my beauty sleep.

 **GENERAL:** no way

 **honor:** actually, how about markarth for riften? a large city for a large city. or, you know, we could not trade away holds without consulting their jarls first.

 **GENERAL:** rikke

 **honor:** I’ll explain later.

 **FUSRODIE:** fine. you can have riften, we’ll have it back within the week of the truce’s end anyway.

 **TheLegend27:** ummm guys i live in riften

 **TheLegend27:** could we all just please just agree to stand down and not attack whiterun until im finished saving all your asses thanks

 **GENERAL:** ive been trying to say this the entire time

 **FUSRODIE:** no.

 **TheLegend27:** look im still undecided about what side to support and jarl ulfric with all due respect youre not making a good case for the stormcloaks

 **FUSRODIE:** you know what? fine. we’ll stand down until we receive word of Alduin’s defeat, but no longer. we’ll be ready.

 **GENERAL:** oh believe me so will we

 **GENERAL:** i look forward to lopping off your head in person

 **< GENERAL>** logged off

 **< GENERAL>** logged on

 **GENERAL:** can we go now

 **TheLegend27:** jarl balgruuf

 **The_Greater:** This is most likely the best I’ll get, so yes. You can use my keep to capture your damn dragon, and I sincerely hope you know what you’re doing.

 **TheLegend27:** ohhh so do i

 **TheLegend27:** _/unlock @all_

 **TheLegend27:** be free

 **< FUSRODIE>** logged off

 **< GENERAL>** logged off

 **< honor>** logged off

 **stone-fist:** Dragonborn, please don’t let Ulfric’s attitude ruin the Stormcloaks for you. He’s a decent leader when it really comes down to it.

 **< stone-fist>** logged off

 **< The_Greater>** logged off

 **TheLegend27:** sooo delphine esbern you know how i can catch that dragon

 **dragondance:** yes! we’ve found the name of the dragon believed to be Alduin’s second-in-command, and you’ll just need to Shout it to summon him.

 **dragondance:** his name is Odahviing. that’s pronounced, I believe, like Oh-dah-ving.

 **TheLegend27:** great thanks esbern knew i could count on you

 **dragondance:** :)

 **< dragondance>** logged off

 **TheLegend27:** that went surprisingly well

 **NobodyImportant:** That it did.

 **TheLegend27:** like almost too well theres got to be a catch somewhere

 **NobodyImportant:** Actually, there is something we need you to do.

 **TheLegend27:** aight what

 **NobodyImportant:** Kill Paarthurnax.

 **TheLegend27:** what

 **TheLegend27:** youre kidding right

 **NobodyImportant:** No, I am not. He is a dragon, and he is a dragon that has served Alduin in the past. He needs to be put down.

 **Greybeard:** Truly a pity that the Thalmor didn’t finish their job, and that you weren’t among the Blades that were purged.

 **NobodyImportant:** Have you been here the whole time?

 **Greybeard:** Yes, actually.

 **Greybeard:** Now, Dragonborn. You’re not going to listen to her, are you?

 **TheLegend27:** of course the fuck not paarthurnax is my friend i dont murder my friends

 **Greybeard:** There. She said it. Now, kindly fuck off.

 **< Greybeard>** removed **< NobodyImportant>**

 **TheLegend27:** holy shit arngeir you cursed

 **Greybeard:** Did I? Hm.

 **Greybeard:** I suppose a situation like this one does call for profanity.

 **TheLegend27:** my respect for you just shot up through the fucking roof just so you know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TheLegend27** = Dragonborn
> 
>  **Greybeard** = Arngeir
> 
>  **GENERAL** = General Tullius
> 
>  **honor** = Legate Rikke
> 
>  **FUSRODIE** = Ulfric Stormcloak
> 
>  **stone-fist** = Galmar Stone-Fist
> 
>  **The_Greater** = Balgruuf the Greater
> 
>  **NobodyImportant** = Delphine
> 
>  **dragondance** = Esbern


	50. The Last Bladicorn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Does Dovahzul have a word for sex? IT DOES NOW!

**_The Last Bladicorn_ **

**< TheLegend27>** logged on

**TheLegend27:** ok i know delphine didnt rename the chat so  _ @dragondance _ you have my respect even if it's not the best joke  


**< dragondance>** logged on

**dragondance:** I’m surprised Delphine hasn’t removed you yet! and also very glad, she’s got a bit of a one-track mind.

**TheLegend27:** oh she did remove me i just have some awesome tech tricks from my friend karliah

**dragondance:** I don’t know who that is but she sounds interesting

**TheLegend27:** oh yeah she was framed for the murder of her boyfriend and i helped prove her innocence and we avenged him

**dragondance:** ...oh. is she okay?

**TheLegend27:** yeah weve got a group chat with his ghost

**TheLegend27:** i promise it makes sense in context

**dragondance:** ...okay.

**dragondance:** but yes, the chatroom name was my idea! seeing as Delphine decided to drop her ultimatum on you before we could get any actual recruits…

**TheLegend27:** esbern youd make a way better leader than her you should lead a revolution

**dragondance:** it’s not a revolution if there’s two people… and in all honesty, her heart’s in the right place. she just… really despises the Greybeards a bit much.

**TheLegend27:** wait you dont

**dragondance:** they’re a bit too pacifistic for my liking, but they are wise and I think there might be a reason they’re still around and the Blades… aren’t really

**TheLegend27:** hang on esbern i have an idea brb

**< TheLegend27>** logged off

**dragondance:** ...okay?

* * *

**_Private Conversation between <TheLegend27> and <Wuth-Dovah>_ **

**TheLegend27:** so delphines a bitch and i think esbern would begin fanboying the instant you logged in im pretty sure he knows more dovahzul than i do and im the actual dragonborn

**Wuth-Dovah:** Dovahkiin are you certain this is a good idea

**TheLegend27:** not really but im the only person alive who can kill you and i would kill myself before that

**Wuth-Dovah:** Nid krii laan no killing is necessary although I can see this Delphine’s point

**TheLegend27:** yeah well shes a bitch so her point is irrelevant

**Wuth-Dovah:** L O L

**TheLegend27:** did you just say the letters for lol out loud

**Wuth-Dovah:** Is that not what I am supposed to do

**TheLegend27:** nope i love it please continue

**Wuth-Dovah:** Very well 

**Wuth-Dovah:** I am ready to do this

**TheLegend27:** great so ill lock your account in so she cant kick you and just let me know when youre done

**Wuth-Dovah:** This is going to be strange

**TheLegend27:** not for me lol i have mead and sweetrolls im so fucking ready for this like you dont even know  


**Wuth-Dovah:** What are sweetrolls

**TheLegend27:** um

**TheLegend27:** ill bring some up for you next time i visit theyre the fucking best

* * *

**_The Last Bladicorn_ **

**< TheLegend27>** logged in

**< TheLegend27>** added  **< Wuth-Dovah>**

**TheLegend27:** _/lock @all_

**< NobodyImportant>** logged on

**< dragondance>** logged on

**< Wuth-Dovah>** logged on

**NobodyImportant:** Dragonborn, I am still not changing my mind and I never will.

**TheLegend27:** your loss

**TheLegend27:** because youre now in a chatroom with my buddy grandpa paarthurnax

**Wuth-Dovah:** Drem yol lok tuzze

**NobodyImportant:** NO.

**< NobodyImportant>** logged off

**< NobodyImportant>** logged on

**dragondance:** drem yol lok, Paarthurnax! it’s an honor to meet you!

**NobodyImportant:** ESBERN.

**dragondance:** but history! just imagine everything he’s witnessed!

**NobodyImportant:** ESBERN NO.

**dragondance:** ESBERN YES!

**dragondance:** _@Wuth-Dovah_ my previous greeting still stands!

**Wuth-Dovah:** The  zin is mine and a relief to learn that not all tuzze are like your Delphine

**NobodyImportant:** UM???

**TheLegend27:** theres only two of them so its not like weve got much to go by but yeah delphines a bitch

**NobodyImportant:** EXCUSE ME???

**TheLegend27:** youre excused

**TheLegend27:** _/mute @NobodyImportant_

**< NobodyImportant>** is muted

**< NobodyImportant>** is muted

**< NobodyImportant>** is muted

**< NobodyImportant>** is muted

**< NobodyImportant>** is muted

**TheLegend27:** my work here is done

**< NobodyImportant>** is muted

**TheLegend27:** yo esbern paarthurnax @ me when youre done nerding out

**Wuth-Dovah:** Geh we will

**< NobodyImportant>** is muted

**dragondance:** yes we definitely will!

**TheLegend27:** well that or when you get tired of torturing delphine

**< NobodyImportant>** is muted

**< NobodyImportant>** is muted

**dragondance:** sorry what’s that Delphine, I can’t hear you from the other side of this room

**< NobodyImportant>** is muted

**TheLegend27:** as i said

**TheLegend27:** my work here is done

**< NobodyImportant>** is muted

**TheLegend27:** love ya too delphine

**< TheLegend27>** logged off

**Wuth-Dovah:** Do you know why the Dovahkiin keeps talking about  joor fron

**dragondance:** I don't know what that means

**Wuth-Dovah:** Why does she say everything is

**Wuth-Dovah:** What's the word

**Wuth-Dovah:** fucking everything

**< NobodyImportant>** is muted

**dragondance:** honestly I'm not sure I didn't know Dovahzul had a word for sex but I'm definitely using it now

**< NobodyImportant>** is muted

**< NobodyImportant>** is muted

**< NobodyImportant>** is muted

**dragondance:** joor fron... brilliant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TheLegend27** = Dragonborn
> 
> **dragondance** = Esbern
> 
> **Wuth-Dovah** = Paarthurnax
> 
> **NobodyImportant** = Delphine


	51. Fin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is not a chapter, and it'll make sense when you actually read this.

So, I'm sure you're all wondering, why in Oblivion am I stopping writing this?

Well, it's simple. As I haven't played very far in Dawnguard, and haven't even touched Dragonborn yet, I don't feel like I could do the DLCs justice at this time. So, for the time being, this story is going on hiatus, until I've finished playing through both sides of Dawnguard. Which... might be a while. But I'm definitely not done with the Chatrooms universe, or the Dragonborn from it. Oh no. Both the Dawnguard and Dragonborn DLCs are coming, although they'll probably be in different fics so I can leave this one as completed. Once I start either story, I'll update this one again so you can find it more easily. :)

In the meantime, if you liked this, why not write your own Skyrim chatfic? If you do, you should definitely put it down as inspired by this one so I can find it and enjoy it and possibly get more ideas for the eventual continuation of this one, and so everyone who enjoyed this fic can find it and enjoy yours!

Of course, if you liked this, why not read more of my writing? At the moment, I'm currently working on three other fics, all in the Skyrim fandom, although if you're interested in my work for other fandoms feel free to check out my profile.

[From the Journal of Lora Jorius](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13555209) follows the Thieves Guild questline as well as the main quest, and features an Altmer Dragonborn who likes fire a little too much, has a slight fear of the dark (at least to begin with), and really, _really_ hates the Thalmor. The story does eventually go on past the main quest into an arc that involves the titular character finally fighting back against the Thalmor, and she's got the Thieves Guild at her back by then, so what could possibly go wrong? ~~Lots of things.~~ I try to update this story daily.

[Tail of the Dragonborn](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13366152) follows the main quest and the Companions questline and a very, very socially awkward Khajiit Dragonborn going through them. He also becomes a werewolf at some point, and I'm still not sure how that works. This story typically updates on Sundays.

[Ziist Grozein](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13588743) is probably the story I've been putting the most work into. Like, if you read nothing else by me, read this. It's a story where Alduin's about to return, and the Dragonborn's coming is imminent.. except he's already dead, because his name was Gallus Desidenius and he was murdered. So, Akatosh pulls a few strings. If you ship Gallus and Karliah as much as I do, or if you like reading stories where the main character has amnesia, or if you're just curious, this fic's for you. Currently, it updates on Saturdays, although I'm hoping to finish writing the rough draft before summer's end. If I can do that, updates will definitely increase to at least somewhat more often.

That's probably enough self-promotion on my part, but in any case, I won't be able to play Skyrim again until... I think Wednesday. And even then, I'm about midway through the Dawnguard questline and I haven't even started the Volkihar side of things. So it might be a while.

In the meantime, if you need to read about Skyrim characters chatting each other up in chatrooms, feel free to write it yourself! In fact, _please_ do, I want to read it and the Skyrim fandom seems to be the one fandom without an abundance of chatfics. Let's fix that.

Until then, I wish you all the best. :)

~SoulStealer1987

(And yes, that Daedric Princes chat will be happening in either the Dawnguard story or the Dragonborn story. Probably Dragonborn, to be honest, because I kind of want to have Hermaeus Mora complaining about Miraak. If you need it now, though.. chatfics, as it happens, aren't that hard to write. All you need is to have a distinct typing style for each character and stick to it... that, and a pretty good grasp on the characters' personalities. Which, admittedly, is a lot harder than it sounds.)

(Seeya!)

**Author's Note:**

> I do have a Tumblr! It's [Crazy Fic Lady](http://soulstealer1987.tumblr.com/), so hit me up if you want. I might post extra stuff there.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [The Cat's Chatroom](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15246240) by [Siha_Shepard](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Siha_Shepard/pseuds/Siha_Shepard)




End file.
